Julia spent weeks watching as the group dissolved around her. No one spoke. No one interacted. It was as if there were lines dividing everyone in the house. There was no laughter or fun anymore. Julia hid away in the upstairs with her girls. Hannah had started finally to sleep through the night. Tatia had disembarked the kids' room and permanently roomed in with Julia. Once she settled the girls into bed, Julia changed into her shorts and tee and head downstairs. Julia had never felt the need to have fun more than when she descended the stairs.
"Hannah's asleep." She mentioned as she passed Jayson's room.
"Thanks, Jules."
She walked to Chess's room, watched as he read a book and Jess painted her toe nails. "Hey," She said.
They looked at her then looked away.
"You wanna hang out, Jess?"
"Nope." She answered, not even looking at her.
"I thought we could start a fire and hang out like we-"
"Good bye, Julia." Jess said.
"Chess?" She asked. He glanced at her and shrugged.
Julia suddenly wished that the air in the addition was as cool as their moods. She head outside anyway, despite their chill toward her. She walked the path back to the still and looked at the bottles lined up on the wall. Chess's still had halted production, but there was plenty left over. She pulled a bottle off the wall shelf and head back to the house. Julia hadn't had a drink in months. The liquid tasted familiar and gross at the same time. She stood by Chess's door and when he looked up at her with the bottle of hooch his eyes brightened. Julia cocked her head to the side and motioned to him to come out, which he didn't hesitate doing.
"What's up with you?" He asked, popping the lid off his own bottle.
Julia sat on a blanket from the barn and started a fire in the pit.
"Falling off the wagon. Thought you'd want to fall with me."
"No one falls like we do."
"Haven't had much spare time with Hannah up all night. But she's sleeping really good now."
"And you're gonna get drunk? And then what?"
"I thought maybe get laid. I'm horny. It's been awhile."
"I am of service, Boss." He offered with a snicker.
Julia and Chess talked and laughed, got high and sucked down 1/2 a bottle between them. She knew she'd started in the right place with the right person. They let the fire burn down to red coals. They fooled around a little, kissing a little, touching here and there. Julia had her hand inside Chess's shorts, jerking him off. Jess poked her head out the door, saw the fire, Julia and Chess talking. Julia seriously had wanted to hang out. "Chess, are you fucking around with her?"
"You don't fuck with me anymore. What do you care?" He yelled at her as he added another wood chunk to the coals.
"Why don't you come outside, Jess?" Julia called.
Jess stomped down the steps and made her way to the fire pit. "You fucked with my heart, Julia."
"I explained that to you." Julia said. "A long time ago. I had reasons. Do you want to stay or not?"
"Did you work through what he did to you?" Jess asked.
"He didn't do anything to me, Jess."
"Whatever...he hurt you..."
"We worked it out."
"You hurt me. I fucking love you."
"I still love you. It wasn't about you. It was about me."
"What did you work out exactly? Cause I don't see it right now."
"You said you'd give me the time and space I needed. So fuck you."
"Fuck me?" She sighed. "Fuck you, Julia. Fuck you, too, Chess."
Jess walked away from them, leaving them drunk and high in the yard on their blanket.
"I guess it's just us?" Julia suggested, kissing him.
"I guess so." He agreed, laying down with Julia, letting hands explore her little body. Their clothes gradually came off, Chess gradually lay between her legs and wedged inside of her.
Alex and Frankie stood quiet by the kitchen door, peering out the window. "Shit, they're gonna do it." Alex whispered.
"Oh, my God. He took her shirt off." Frankie whispered.
"Are they drunk you think?"
"I think so." Frankie said, nodding as they watched Julia and Chess move beneath the blanket.
"She's hot isn't she?"
"For sure." Frankie answered, watching as Chess kissed on Julia's chest.
"I'm glad you woke me up, Frank. I thought we were just gonna see another fight."
"He's doing it to her."
"She likes it."
Both boys watched as the blanket fell off Chess's butt and they could see Julia completely naked. They listened as she moaned and groaned and gasped.
"Is it hurting her you think?"
"Doesn't sound like it."
"I didn't know that Julia and Chess did it. Did you?"
"No. Think Jay will be mad?"
"Oh, Jess, will be. They'll fight again when she finds out."
"Wow, she's really loud out there."
Jess stepped inside Jay's room and complained to him. "They're out there fooling around, Jay."
"So what, Jess." Jay mumbled.
"What do you mean, so what?"
"She asked you to go out there. I heard her and you said no. So, like I said, so what. Do you care?"
"Jay, it's fucked up."
"Jesslyn, they want to get some. Leave them alone. Leave me alone."
"I love her, Jayson. She has me all fucked up. Why does she hurt me?"
"Ask her, Jess. Not me. She didn't even ask me to go out."
"This is your fault, Jay."
"So what else is new? It's all on me? How is your girlfriend breaking up with you my fault? You two were completely separate from me."
"Jay-"
"I'm sorry, Jess. I'm not even sure for what, but I am. You want someone to say sorry, so there. Jess, I am sorry your girlfriend broke up with you."
"She broke my heart."
"Jess, you had Chess. It's not like she just cut your ass off like she did with me."
"You had Hayley."
"I wasn't fucking with Hayley like that. It was a couple times. I didn't want Hayley like that. She had Kevin. We fucked a couple times and it wasn't that good."
"Hannah-"
"Don't bring my daughter into this."
"Ok, Jayson. I'm sorry."
"Whatever went on, it's between you and Julia."
Jess finally went back to her room, leaving him alone. He had the feeling she wanted more from him. He was tired of the girls flipping out on him, their mood swings, their fights. He rose from bed, thirsty. In the kitchen, he found the boys by the door.
"What are you two up to?" Jay asked, scaring them to death, taking a water bottle from the countertop.
"Nothing." Alex said as he and Frankie jumped and turned to face Jay.
"What are you doing?" Jay repeated, stepping toward the door. He peeked around the shade and saw exactly what they were watching. "Go to bed." He sighed.
"Jay, we-"
"Go, now." He said sternly as the boys passed him.
They stood behind Jay, though, not leaving the room. Jay opened the door. "Jay, are you mad? What are you going to do, Jay?"
"Nothing, God. I told y'all to go to bed." He answered. "You two! What the hell?"
When they moved and stood up before Chess covered them up, they got a view of Julia's entire anatomy in the light from the fire.
"Red hair. Did you see her pussy?" Frank asked.
"SShh, dude that's like my mom."
"She ain't your fucking mom, Alex." Frankie whispered.
Jay snatched the boys by their arms and pulled them into the doorway with him. Julia and Chess stood by the fire pit, wrapped in the blanket. The boys stood with Jay.
"You two have company here!" Jay yelled.
"Shit, shit, shit." Julia mumbled. "Where were they?"
"In the kitchen." Jay told them. Jay shoved the boys gently away from him, back into the kitchen. They scrambled away and up stairs.
"There's an empty room across from me. Julia, you have your own room."
"We didn't mean for them to see anything." Chess said. "I'll talk to them first thing in the morning."
"We're sorry, it just happened. We thought-." Julia apologized.
"You thought? You didn't think at all." Jay yelled, slamming the kitchen door shut.
Julia and Chess took the rest of the one bottle of hooch and went inside. They bypassed Jess's closed door with their clothes and their blanket and Julia led Chess upstairs. She hushed him as they got into bed, past the kids that lay sleeping in the corner in their beds. She laid down with Chess between her legs and they finished what they started outside.
In the morning after breakfast Jay pulled Tavin side and informed Tavin of what the boys had seen the night before.
"How much did they see exactly?"
"A lot." Jay answered, shaking his head. "They got an eye full."
Tavin thought it was more funny than anything. He understood the boys' curiosity and he wasn't surprised that Julia and Chess had done what they did either.
"I would have watched too if I was their age. Jay, they're boys. Want me to talk to them?"
"No. Chess said he'd take care of it this morning on checks."
"I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that." Tavin said. "Should be an interesting chat."
Chess led Alex and Frankie through the yard after breakfast and back to the first post where checks started. The boys followed quietly.
"Boys, I think we should have a talk about things that boys and girls do together."
"Like sex, Chess." Alex asked.
"Yes. Like sex." Chess replied letting the boys walk ahead of him. He watched as they did their rounds. They were good enough that they didn't need a lot of hands on assistance any more. "One day, you'll both be able to talk more about this, but for right now-."
"Can you get us some girls?" Frankie asked.
"We'd like some girls, Chess." Alex announced.
"Like I said, you saw two people doing something you shouldn't have been seeing."
"Did you hear us? We want some girls, too, Chess."
"You're not ready for that."
"We think we are. You just put it in there and-"
"Wait right here." Chess told them. "Don't move from that spot."
Chess traveled across the yard to the house and he climbed the stairs to the first person he saw.
"I need your help with the boys." He told Tavin.
"You got yourself into this." Tavin said as he dressed Tarin for the day.
"Please, I tried, but-"
"But what, Chess. Are you having trouble explaining this?"
"I am not having trouble. They asked me for girls of their own. The boy literally just said 'you stick it in her and she moans all naked'. How am I supposed to tell them it's not like that? That they won't totally be into that?"
"They're 12."
"How old were you?"
"Not 16 maybe. Carmen...shit, she was so fine..."
"Ok, I was 14 with Hayley getting hand jobs ok. It's fucking amazing. I am not the poster boy for decent human behavior."
"If you want a poster boy, then you came to the wrong man. You want Jay. He did it the right way. Kinda fell apart there, but he's the one who went and fell in love and all." Chess turned and left, heading downstairs where he brought the same subject to his cousin.
"I'm not saying go do it for me. I don't know what to tell them."
"How bout 'Alex, I'm sorry I fucked the only mom you have in front of you'?"
"They want me to get them their own girls."
"Where are you getting them from? Cause if you can get them, get me a new one too. I've had enough of these bitchy women for one apocalypse."
"Ok, I can work with that idea. Thanks."
Chess crossed the yard to the boys who waited as they were told.
"You got no idea what girls are like. I'm here to tell you, they're straight up crazy. Sex is good, shit it's the best thing on this planet. But you're too young to be fucking with girls. Girls will fuck with your head. They'll tell you one thing then do the opposite. You see that house?" Chess asked, pointing toward their farm house. "You see it? It's full of girls. They're every where, it's hell. They'll smile in your face while they stab you in the back. They are not nice people. They are mean and manipulating and you're way too young to head into anything with any girls. You're not mentally strong enough to deal with them." Chess paused to make sure they paid him attention. "What we have between our legs drives them crazy. And I'm not talking about the moaning and the groaning. I'm talking crazy. Stay away from it as long as you possibly can, cause once you let them in your head, they'll control you with what they got between their legs."
"She has red hair there." Frankie said, completely ignoring Chess's speech.
"What's it feel like, Chess?"
"Are they all the same down there?"
"It feels good and no they're not."
"I thought Jesslyn was your girlfriend. Does she know about Aunt Julia?"
"Yes she does."
"Is she ok with you and Aunt Julia doing it?"
"Yes she is."
"Is Jayson?" Frankie asked.
"They're not together anymore cause he did it with Hayley and got the new baby from her pussy."
"Stop." Chess mumbled. "Ugh, don't say that."
The next hour passed in similar fashion with unending questions about girls, what they liked, what they didn't like and how girls thought. They talked about being virgins and they hadn't even been kissed yet. "How old were you, Chess, when you did it the first time?"
"13." He answered.
"And who with? Aunt Julia?"
"No. Hayley was my girlfriend back then."
"Was she a virgin too?"
"Yes."
"When did Aunt Julia do it?" Alex asked.
"Was it with you?" Frankie asked.
"No, it had to be my brother." Alex said.
"You would have to ask her guys." Chess answered thankful that they were back at the first post finally and all there questions could finally stop. "Listen, if you two ever get the chance and you want to do stuff I want you to be able to talk with me or Jay or Tavin. Even Tom or Bob. Any of us guys, alright?"
"Yeah, alright." Alex said.
"Old people have sex too? Like Tom is really old and Bob is even older." Alex said.
"I'm serious. No judgments ok. We've all been there and you can talk with us about things."
"Ok." They replied as they all head toward the house. "Oh, and one more thing, if you ever try watching us again, I'll kick your asses."
"Stop doing it outside." Alex said.
"Go, just get away from me with these questions."
"Jay!" Alex yelled. "Where are you? Jay!"
"I'm over here." Jay yelled from the clearing where he chopped wood. "What's up, brother?"
"Oh, we had this real long talk with Chess and he said if we have any questions we could just ask."
"Oh, ok." He answered, swinging the axe at the fallen tree. Sweat poured over him and the rag around his head wasn't quite doing its job keeping it out of his eyes and off his brow. "What do you wanna know? He didn't answer all your questions?"
"Can you get us girls?" Frankie asked.
"No," He laughed. "Got enough trouble with the ones we already got."
"Not now, but when we need them?" Frankie asked.
"When will you need them?"
"Anytime is fine."
"Uh, I'll see what we can do."
"When did you lose your virginity?"
"What? Why?"
"Chess said you would answer our questions."
"Some questions are personal, Alex."
"Did you do it to Julia the first time?" Frankie asked.
"Uh, like I said, some things are personal."
"Was she your first girlfriend?"
"No." Jay replied.
"Did you do it to your first girlfriend?"
"No, guys. It's not- it's none of your business."
"We'll tell you about our girls when we do it."
"No, no. Stop. This is stuff that is-"
"Personal, yeah."
"Well, personal means between you and the person that you do it with. It's something that is between two people."
"So what Chess and Julia did was personal?"
"Exactly." Jay answered.
"So why does he have a girlfriend that knows about their personal stuff? He says Jesslyn knows about him and Julia and you know too."
"Uh, um-"
"I thought you love Julia though."
"I do, Alex." Jay answered. "You can have sex without love and love without sex."
"The pussy is-"
"Hey, watch your damn mouth." Jay yelled.
"So you have sex and it feels the same no matter who you do it with?" Alex asked.
"Yes and no." Jay said. "Hey, start loading up that wheel barrow."
The boys did as they were asked, but the questions were firing at him one after the other. Jay was overwhelmed. "Hey, you know what?"
"What Jay?"
"Tavin has lots of sex. Go ask him all this stuff please. And take that wood back with you too. Carry it inside for Luz, please."
"Ok, Jay."
Tavin was there next intended target, but he had a heads up from Chess. He was in the yard with Tarin in the swing, pushing him back and forth in the baby swing.
"I've been expecting you." Tavin told them. "I hear you have questions about sex."
"We do. Chess and Jay said we could talk about it with you."
"And you still have questions after going through both of them?"
"Yes."
"Jay said you can have sex with a girl and not love her. It's the same sometimes."
"Sometimes. What do you think he meant by sometimes? Think about it. Want to know a secret about sex that they didn't tell you?"
"Yeah."
"They left out the love part."
"No, Jay said he loves Julia."
"I love Julia. You love Julia. There's different kinds of love."
Tavin explained. "Do you love Julia the same way Jay loves her?"
"Yes."
"Ok, nevermind. Sex is sex and sex feels good. Know when it feels better than good?"
"When?"
"When you love the girl. You gotta go through a lot of girls sometimes to get to the one that you love. Sometimes you find her the first time." Tavin said. "Which would you want? The one you love the first time? The one that's your equal, the one you can be friends with and share each other with or the good time girl? It's the difference between love and just sex. Think about it."
The boys questions halted right then and there because they didn't expect to be talking about love.
"Hey, wanna know what else sex gets you?"
"What?"
"This right here." Tavin said, pushing Tarin playfully. He giggled loudly, curled fist in his mouth as he laughed and drooled. "When you make love to a woman and you make a life. That's what it's about."
"Was Kelly your first love?"
"No."
"Because the baby came out of her pussy?"
"Hey, don't call it that."
"What? Pussy? You all call it pussy."
"It's pussy when-no, stop it. No pussy. Babies come out of the vagina."
"Ewww, so what's the pussy? The red hair?" Frankie asked.
"Yeah, cause Julia has red pussy. Does Kelly? She has yellow pu-"
"Hey, knock it off with the pussy. Christ. Girls don't wanna hear that."
"But we heard Aunt Julia say to chess she wanted it in her pussy."
"No,"
"Yes."
"No, don't tell that story to anyone. What you two saw was-you weren't supposed to see that. I'm sorry you ever saw that. No more questions."
"But Chess said if we have questions we can ask you guys. You all been there, he said."
"I have an idea. When you are about to touch one, look at one, kiss one, then you come to us and we'll answer anything you want."
"You kiss the pussy?" Alex asked.
"You put your mouth on it?"
"When you are old enough to put your mouth on it I will explain it all in detail, but now enough sex talk. And don't go bothering the girls with this either." Tavin paused, looking at the wheel barrow full of chopped wood. "Better take that inside to Luz." He said.
Evening meeting was simple and short, recapping the day's events. Most evening meetings were boring. As time passed there was less and less to talk about. Routines fell in place and day to day was monotonous. They discussed the crops, the harvest, the solar power. During the entire conversation, Chess's hand was beneath the table between Julia's thighs, massaging her and rubbing over her shorts to that place that made her moist against Chess's fingertips.
"Julia, are you even paying attention?"
"Not really." She answered. "Sorry. I was day dreaming. What did you say?"
"I said, I hear motors. I think your dad's back."
"Andy and Rey..." Julia said, running from the table and her notebooks. "Luz! Do you hear that?" Julia screamed.
"I do." Luz said, following Julia through the front door. They waited as the vehicles passed the house, parking in the grass across the street. Cal and John disembarked the largest vehicle and crossed the street to the yard, opening the fence for the vehicles that brought up the rear of the line. A minivan and a Ford escort pulled into the driveway and Cal and John left their gates open as the crew all emptied out of the vehicles.
Julia hugged her dad and John. "Where's my brother? Where's Rey?"
"With their family there. The people that were alive, they returned here with him."
Julia and Luz descended the steps to the side yard, watching the people exit the vans.
"Andy!" Julia yelled, jumping into his arms. "Oh my God, I'm so happy to see you. How are you? Are you ok? I can't wait to hear all about your trip!"
"I'm just fine, Julia. I'm glad to be home."
Julia hopped off him and hopped onto Rey, nearly knocking him over. "You! Are you ok? I'm so glad you're back, babe." She said, excited to see him.
The two boys had grown over the months. Taller, leaner, more muscled and looked more like men as opposed to the two kids that rolled out away from home in March with Cal's crew. Rey and Andy introduced the family to Julia. All ages and both sexes. She welcomed them inside and around the table, told Kelly to make them all comfortable and Julia welcomed her dad and Uncle John back to the farm.
"Where should we set up camp?" He asked.
"There's not a lot of space in the clearing, but you're welcome to set up out there." Julia said, looking at the amount of people on her land. Again. "Is Ansell with you?"
"He sure is." Cal answered. "Hey, I'd like to see the babies."
"Of course. Yes." Julia smiled. "You don't have to ask."
They spent hours mingling, getting reacquainted. Luz was thrilled her family was in her home and the boys home safe and sound.
Tavin was having an interesting conversation with the camp doc, explaining the birth of Hannah, the bleeding that Hayley had experienced. He wanted to know why Hayley had died, why she'd bled out instead of giving birth like Kelly did. His objective was to learn to prevent that again. He found out he couldn't. The doc seemed to think there had been a tear in the uterine lining and that she bled out from that. Any intervention short of emergency surgery would not have saved her. He was lucky the baby had survived that as well. Julia had questions for the doc as well. "Know anything about colic?" Julia asked when Tavin had finished discussing Hayley's death.
"Is the baby on formula?"
"No, breast milk. Bottle fed, but she expresses it into bottles for us."
"Same baby, different mother."
"Yes."
Julia had the doc check out Hannah and the doc gave her a clean bill of health. "Try just breast feeding her. It may be she's gassy from the air in the bottles."
"Kelly doesn't want to breast feed her. She's already breast feeding one and she'd constantly have a baby on her chest."
"I see." The doc nodded. "Have you increased mom's calories so she's healthy enough to breast feed 2 babies?"
"Yes. I have." Julia replied. "She eats six small meals a day."
She continued to explain Kelly's augmented diet. The doctor was impressed.
Luz's family was welcomed into their home with open arms. Rey and Andy were back, so they assumed the empty room in the addition.
Ana, Luz's sister arrived with her 12 year old twins, Valentina and Carolina. They brought the neighbors that had lived with them in Delaware since the first day. Emilio, age 17. Diego, age 22.
Alex and Frankie were beyond thrilled at the arrival of Valentina and Carolina. It appeared that the gods of sex had heard their prayers and dropped these two 12 year olds into their lair. Chess alerted Jay and Tavin that the two boys were following the girls around, plying them with drinks and snacks. The girls, identical in every way possible, both had long braided brown hair, plain brown eyes and breasts that had burst braless beneath white tee shirts. These little Latinas were shapely and innocent and they boys were trying to get them into their clutches.
"Julia, we would like to offer up a couple bunks in our room to these new girls." Alex announced proudly.
"He's got game." Chess mumbled to Jay.
"Actually, the girls can have my room tonight." Jay announced.
"And me and Jess can move up with Julia. Emilio and Diego can bunk in there over night." Chess added.
"And I'll figure things out in the morning where we can put our guests." Julia smiled. "Why don't you guys show them to their rooms."
Tavin grabbed up the Alex and Frankie and escorted them upstairs to their room. Alex and Frankie were not enthusiastic about settling in for the night. "If I catch either of you trying to get to those little girls, I will tear your asses up. Got it?"
"Yeah," They replied. "But Tavin,"
"No. Keep it in your pants you little horn dogs. I mean it."
"Good night fellas."
Julia brought Tatia upstairs and made her go to bed in her own bed. She was pissed.
"Mama, no!" She screamed.
"Tati, I need your spot tonight. Just tonight baby girl. I promise."
"I sleep with baby Hannah, I watch her for Hayley."
Julia told her. "We watch her for Hayley."
"I want baby Hannah."
"You gonna let her sleep and not wake her up."
"I give baby Hannah my blanket, mama."
Julia rolled the bassinette into the kids' room and set the bed directly next to Tatia. Jay lay the baby in the bassinette when he brought her upstairs and Tatia sat watching over her. "Lay down, Miss." Julia whispered.
Tatia covered Hannah with her blankie and lay down beneath her own blanket quietly. Julia left the door ajar to peek in on them. Once Tatia fell asleep, she pulled the door shut the rest of the way.
Julia sat at her desk and started writing in her notebook, enjoying the quiet of her room. She added the list of new members to her book, names and ages, then wrote in the margins to rearrange the sleeping quarters.
She closed the notebook then opened her private journal, writing about her experience with Chess, her drinking. Private thoughts about herself and letting down her guard for one night and revisiting sex after a long few months of self imposed restriction. Although she hadn't rekindled anything with Jess, Chess had been a willing and comfortable return. Once in the bedroom, sobered up a little and beneath the sheets and quiet to avoid waking the kids, she and Chess shared a rather enjoyable night together.
Chess came in the room first, carrying his stuff in a back pack.
"You moving in or staying over night, Chess?"
"That's up to you, Julia." He said, leaning over her and looking at her book, which she closed fairly quick. "Writing about me?"
"I was. It's my own book. A journal."
"You want someone reading that after you die? You sure?"
"Burn it for me then." She replied.
"You alright?" He asked, rubbing her shoulders.
"I am. It's been a long day. I can't believe they're back."
"That was a surprise for sure."
"How was Jess with us spending the night together?"
"She hasn't said anything to me."
"Like mad or just doesn't care."
"Neither. We don't talk a lot anymore. Why? What's up?" He answered, moving her hair aside and kissing her neck.
"Chess, how long do you think they'll be here this time?"
"Who cares?"
"Should we think about going with them? Didn't we talk about this once?"
"We did, but you said you had to stay here."
"Think they'll be ok with Tavin? And Jay?"
"Julia, let's not make any big decisions right away. We have time, but if you go I will definitely go with you."
"You're right. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to run away."
"I know what you mean."
"Hey, Chess. Do you think we're capable of having a decent relationship in this house? Not us, but anyone. Is it possible?"
"We could try."
"I mean, being faithful to someone. Could you do that?"
"With you? No extra bodies in bed?"
"Just two people who get along and know what the other expects. Is it possible to do?"
"Julia, why you worried about this?"
"Because. Maybe it's just a phase, but wouldn't it be real nice to belong to someone again?" She asked. "It's been a long time since anybody did that here. Where love is private and between two people. Don't you miss making love? I mean we can fuck randomly and that's all well and good, but to be with someone and make love to someone. One person. It's kinda sexy." Julia explained. "That's what I think about when I'm alone."
"You want a relationship with no extra?"
"Chess, I'm not asking. Don't think I'm trying to reel you in. I'm just sayin, one day...Don't you get tired of this? Living like this?"
"Julia, I don't know any other way to live. I never had simple. They all been shitty."
"That's not true and you know it. You had Hay and you have Jess."
"Julia, you have issues. You want one thing and you do another. Can you live up to what you want? I think we're the same. We have no common decency and we get bored easy."
"Chess, I mean starting with someone completely new. A blank slate."
"I don't want to talk about shit like this. It's complicated and it's just...I'm allergic to normal."
"You're scared of getting hurt again."
"So are you. You're still carrying around this guilt from like two years ago."
"And you're not carrying shit around from like two years ago?"
"It's the first ones that fuck you up for the rest." Chess sighed. "The first one that fucks with your feelings, you carry that forever."
"So your feelings were fucked with and I did the feeling fucking, so we're still carrying this around with us now. Is that what you're saying to me?"
"Yes, it is."
"Well aren't you smart? I have to write this down."
"It's the person that went out on you. The first person that looked somewhere else. She fucked with my head like that."
"And I fucked with his head like that."
"Everything we do with every person that follows the first one is trying to fix what we did wrong."
"Until we get it right."
"Who knows, Julia?"
"And if you're stuck with the same people, then in just cycles around and around and around." Julia thought out loud. "I keep on hurting and you keep on getting hurt?"
"I'm not hurt though."
"I took Jess from you. She went out on you."
"That was so different."
"No, it wasn't. You two haven't been the same since."
"Julia, I was only interested in her cause she had a fucking pool."
"I knew it. You're such a dick." She yelled, pushing him away from her. "But she was more than a pool after a while. You know it."
"She fell in love, Julia. I mean I do love her, but that-" Chess stopped mid sentence.
"But that what, Chess?"
"Nothing, really." He said, changing from his clothes into his shorts for bed.
"Chess, come on." She urged, turning her chair. "What? Just say it."
"It's stupid."
"No it's not."
"Passion? The desire? I don't know...when you need someone. Wanting to nut and wanting someone is just so different."
"That's all you had to say, Chess. What did you think I was gonna do? Laugh at you?" Julia asked, climbing onto her bed. She sat in front of him Indian style, wanting to talk to him more. She'd been gradually chipping away at him over the months since the library.
When no one else would talk to her, Chess was there. When she didn't feel like talking to anyone, Chess was there. They'd bonded at the library in March. When they had to lean on someone, each sought the other. "You can tell me stuff. I don't keep stuff from you. If you have something to say, then say it."
"Did you come to me last night just to get off?"
"I came to you last night cause I knew you'd come with me."
"Any one of us would have come with you."
"No, Chess."
"Did you sleep with Jay? When I found you two in the kitchen that morning after Hannah was born? Did you-"
"No, Chess. I didn't." She answered. "Why?"
"You looked awful close."
"We were." Julia said. "Hannah had me all fucked up. Not the baby herself, but the whole situation. She had me thinking about Jayla, she had me remembering Tatia when she was a baby. All of it just brought up a lot of feelings I had to work out, feelings we had to work out. Jealousy, Chess. That was a big thing with me. Jealous she had that baby and shared that with him. I felt wronged by nature."
"Hayley had an abortion." He said, looking away from her. "A couple weeks before we killed Caleb."
"Chess, I didn't know."
"Because we didn't tell anyone." He said.
"I thought you were always careful."
"Not always. No. Were you?"
"Yes, we were. There was the occasional break, but that's why I went on the pill." Julia said. "Chess, babe, I'm sorry you two made that choice."
"I didn't make that choice, she did. I had no choice in it and I wasn't upset about it. Do you think that had anything to do with what happened to her with Hannah?"
"I could ask Cal's doc, but I don't think so."
"It was on my mind, especially after Hannah was born. What you guys had to do to save Hannah."
"Chess, it was the only thing we could do. We would have done anything to save her if we could have."
"I know. It's just ironic that she killed our kid and then died having one."
"Chess, we couldn't do anything. She was bleeding out. It was horrible. Even if we'd had Dr G, it would have been nearly impossible-"
"I know that, Julia. Was she in pain?"
"Initially, yes. It's painful, but she was in and out when she lost all the blood. We overdosed her with morphine and we took the baby."
"You cut her?"
"She was gone, Chess. We saved Hannah." Julia said, eyes filling with tears. She held Chess's hand. "Chess, I almost died too. It's not a hospital here."
"I know you can save some, and some you can't. It's just the way we live now."
"It doesn't hurt any less. I know." She said, moving closer to him. She pulled Chess's head to her chest and held him. "I hate losing people too, Chess."
"I hate losing people we don't have to lose. I hate this, Julia. You never know what's gonna happen."
Julia lay with Chess, holding him and talking with him till the emotions eventually dried up. She'd only seen him emotional a couple times. When Chess let go, he didn't hold back. It was a side of him she wasn't used to, but welcomed.
Jay and Jess came up and made themselves comfortable. Jay gave Jess the mattress and he took the floor by Julia's desk. The four of them hadn't shared a room together in ages. It felt weird being together and no one talking. Jay checked on Hannah and the kids and returned to his bed that he made on the floor. He flicked off the lamp on the desk. He lay listening to Chess and Julia talk in whispers. Jess listened as well, feeling uncomfortable sharing the same space with them, but none of them wanting to leave.
"What are you talking about?" Jess asked, hearing their whispers from the bed.
Julia and Chess lay on their sides, facing each other. Chess had been telling her of the conversation with the boys. "Alex and Frankie." Julia answered.
"She doesn't know." Chess whispered. "About the girls. That's all." Chess replied.
Julia moved closer and kissed Chess's cheek, then rolled onto her side, settling herself back against him. She fixed the sheet over them and got comfortable. Chess's hand settled on her hip and he kissed and sucked on her neck. She tried moving his hand downward, but he swatted her hand away. She reached back to touch him and he pushed her hand away.
"They're asleep, Chess." She said, covering his hand that rested on her stomach.
"Ok." He said, kissing her shoulder again.
"Chess," She urged, wiggling back against him.
"Not with them in here. No. Not like that anymore."
"But I ache there." She whispered, pushing his hand down. He pushed her hand away.
"You'll wait for it." He said, kissing her neck again.
Within a couple days the new sleeping arrangements had been completed. It took a couple meetings and some bickering among those at the table, but with a new cast of characters from lower Delaware, they had no choice but to make some necessary changes. Tavin and Kelly had reservations about giving up their room, especially Kelly. They were very comfortable in there and had been there since the additions had completed. Being the leader, Tavin thought he should have first choice. Evening meeting was horrendous. Julia threw her book at him and told him and Kelly to sit down and arrange 'the whole fucking thing!'.
"Don't be like that."
"I pass this to you. You sit down tonight and think seriously. You can include her or not, but come up with something. Keep within the boundary of all kids upstairs. You let us all know by lunch meal tomorrow."
Julia looked around the table. "Vote." All agreed Tavin would rearrange the sleeping quarters. Half the people wouldn't move, but it was imperative that certain persons relocate to make room for others.
"You choose some petty shit to fight about." Tavin told her fuming mad.
"She's not the queen of the castle. Remember that, Tavin."
"And you are, bitch?"
Julia slapped him. Once. A stinging slap across his handsome, stubbled face. She left the table crying.
"What's wrong?" Chess asked as she made her way to the still where he also sat alone.
"I'm just pissed off is all. I need a drink. God." Julia complained. She pulled a bottle off the shelf and sat on the crate with him. "Chess, make some more. Just start making it. Please."
"Yeah. Yeah, ok." He nodded. "Can I do anything?"
"No. Thanks, but no. I'm gonna get the boys and do checks. I think we need to have another talk. Little fucking jerks were playing grab ass with the twins today. And the little whores were letting them."
"You tell Ana?"
"Fuck me, Chess. The crazy chica doesn't speak much ingles and she just said 'they kids, Let them have their fun'. This is our fault. They had to watch us, why did we do it outside?"
"Julia, some of it's our fault, but they know better."
"Who was the one that told them how good the pussy was? I think that was you. And your cousins. All three of you should have shut them down with their nonsense questions. God dammit." Julia muttered.
"Period much, Julia?"
"Yeah, it's coming. I can fucking feel it."
"You know, I did educate them on that too. It wasn't all about your tight, red snatch."
"I'm like his fucking mom, Chess."
"Not naked next to the fire. He didn't see it that way, Julia."
Julia walked the perimeter with Alex and Frankie, they had the spears and they checked the fence. The boys from her spot looked all sweet and innocent, polite and having important fence checking conversation. Julia wondered whether to approach the subject or have the guys give it another go?
"Boys, I think we need to talk about your behavior." She said.
Neither boy said anything, stayed quiet and listened for her to start yelling. But she didn't. "I understand that you're curious about girls. You're at that age when I guess it starts."
"When what starts?" Alex asked.
"You know, the feelings." Julia replied. "You follow me?"
"Yeah, we'll follow you."
"No, no, you understand what I mean? The feelings?"
"No."
"Boners, guys."
Now they were embarrassed.
"What's the problem? You have a problem talking about boners with Julia?"
"Well, yeah. You're a girl."
"Fine, then. How about we talk about personal space? And keeping your hands to yourself? Do you see the boys walking around here grabbing our asses and talking nasty to us?" They were quiet. "Well do you?"
"No, but we saw-"
"I am aware you were where you weren't supposed to be watching me and Chess do something that was not your business." Julia scolded them. "Other than that one time, do you ever see the boys treating us disrespectfully? Touching us in places or saying things to us that is totally inappropriate?"
"No."
"Then why would you think that you can run around and do that?"
"The girls were laughing and we were having fun."
"That is not the way you treat girls. Touching them in their private areas and acting like fools. Your brothers don't do that. What if you saw Tom do that to Kelly?"
"Eww,"
"Would that make you upset? Mad even?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Cause Tom doesn't touch Kelly like that."
"What if some of the men from Cal's group came over here right now and started touching me in places on my body?"
"Aunt Julia we'd kill them with our spears." Alex said, getting mad.
"What if a stranger came and took me and tied me up and started touching me? Doing it with me? Then what would you think? What would you do?"
"We'd get Tavin and Jay and we'd kill that person."
"Why?"
"Because it's not right."
"Now how you were treating those two little girls isn't as bad , but it's still wrong isn't it?"
"Yes, Julia." Alex said. Frankie agreed.
"There's something called inappropriate touching. I expect you both to apologize to those little girls. When you're old enough to touch them, when they want you to touch them, then you can talk to anyone in this house about feelings about girls. Anyone. If you're embarrassed to talk with girls about girls, then you shouldn't be touching on them. Got it?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure you understand me?"
"Yes."
"If you're ever confused about this, ask."
"OK."
"If you treat any girl in any way that you wouldn't want someone treating me, then you cannot do it."
"God, ok. We get it." Frankie said.
They were nearly done checks, nearly made it back to the first pole when Alex spoke up. "Are you talking to us about this cause of what that guy did to you?"
"What guy, sweetheart?"
"That guy that kidnapped you and raped you."
"What? I-"
"I heard Hayley telling Kevin about you and that guy and what Jay did to him."
"Alex, that man did some really bad things to me. He hurt me, yes." Julia answered. "But you two are not that man. You are good kids. I want you to think before you act is all."
"We would never hurt girls like that, Julia." Alex said.
"No, we would not." Frankie added.
"Because you protect your girls. Like Jayson did for me."
"And Chess too. He protected you too. Hayley was crying. And you were the ones that burned that house down where we used to live."
"Uh, yes. Maybe Jay could help you understand why it is so important to protect our girls."
"Ok." Alex said. "But sex is different from what that guy did to you."
"Oh, yes. It's so very different."
Julia sat in her room, at her desk, holding Hannah against her chest and thinking. She'd long fallen asleep. She breathed so peacefully and was so light in her arms. Laying with her little mouth open, reeking of breast milk breath. Tavin stepped inside and watched her for a long while before she even noticed he was there.
"Tavin, I'm sorry about earlier. I was out of line."
"Me too. I'm sorry I called you a bitch."
"Well, if the shoe fits..."
"She looks good on you." He smiled, touching the baby's back and rubbing her.
"Hey, thanks." She said, eyes welling with tears.
"For what, Red?"
"For taking care of us. We need you. I appreciate everything you go through and put up with."
"Hey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just thinking is all. How lucky we are that our biggest fight is over a bedroom. You guys do whatever makes you happy. Ok, you deserve it."
"Wanna talk?"
"No. I'm trying something new. So, no. Thanks."
Tavin handed her the paper with his chicken scratch handwriting on it. "The rooms, queen."
"Take it. I don't want it. Make sure it's right and hand it down tomorrow. It's your job, we voted."
"Shut up and look at it."
Julia wiped her tears on the Tatia's blankie and looked at what Tavin had written. "You sure about this?"
"It's what's best for everyone."
"Julia, seriously. What's the matter?"
"Geeze, post partum depression." She laughed through her steady stream of tears.
"Want me to take Hannah?"
"No." Julia answered. "Hey, I talked with the boys for you. I doubt they'll be bothering you three with more questions."
"What did you talk about?"
"Personal space. Inappropriate touching. Protecting our women. I got the point across."
"What do we do if they choose to ignore us again?"
"I suggest an old fashioned ass kicking from their brothers. But I don't think it'll come to that."
"Thanks. Let me know if they're a problem again." Tavin said, stepping toward the door and Kelly's summoning voice.
Julia listened as Jay climbed the stairs and brought the kids up for bed. Tatia had demanded the baby and he came to get her and lay her down. "You ok?" He asked, taking Hannah off her chest.
"I am. Thanks for dealing with bath night."
"Sure. No problem. You got enough to do, right?" he smiled. Tatia came in and gave her kisses good night and ran back just as fast to watch over Hannah. Jay tucked them in for the night and came in the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed across from her.
"Had an interesting talk with the boys this evening, Julia. Are you ok?" He asked.
"Yeah, I am." She replied. "I'm sorry about that, but I couldn't do it with them. We talked, but I couldn't-they were going there with questions. They knew details and-"
"Fucking Hayley."
"It's not her fault. She was explaining it to Kev. They were snooping around and heard what was again supposed to be private." Julia said, still crying. "They know in graphic detail what that man did to me. They know you killed him for me. They know we burned the house down."
"Julia, I think they understand more than you think. I was very-um-sensitive with the subject matter."
"I knew you would be. You always were sensitive when it came to that with me." Julia said, wiping her tears. "Did I ever thank you? For killing him? Cause if I didn't I should have. It should have been the first thing out of my mouth."
"You didn't have to, Julia."
"But-"
"I'd still do it again. We were right. You were right all along about how we should feel on that subject."
"It's why I stayed with you. I felt like I owed you because how does a girl leave a guy that killed someone for her? I put you through hell cause I was selfish and stupid. I'm sorry, Jayson. I mean it."
"You don't owe me an apology. Julia, you think I don't realize I had that hanging over you. Fuck. It was so fucked up."
"It's not like we hated each other though. We had fun and we have a good little family. And we're still friends. We're such better friends because of all of this."
"I love you, Julia. That's it. After all this, you're still taking care of Hannah. And Tatia. And me. All of this was for us. Not you. Even though you feel like you're this bad person, you're really not."
"Are you going to be ok, Jayson? It's all I ever worried about."
"I'm going to be ok. Yeah."
Julia stood up from her chair, touched Jay's face. "I love you, too. Where's Chess?"
"Outside. You want him?"
"We're trying something new."
