CHAPTER TWELVE-GOING BACK TO CALLIE

Tavin went to Sandy and John's house. He parked around the corner and walked to the neighbor's house, then through their yard and into the back entrance. A good night's sleep and then what? Maybe Julia had been right? May he should go home to Pittsburgh? How did she know the details of that night that occurred with Arnold? He hadn't uttered those words to anyone, sober or under the influence. No one had that knowledge. He'd called into work on his drive back to the house, saying that he had to go home, there was a family issue he needed to take care of. There were a million family issues he needed to take care of.  He was one of them to Sandy and John. Tavin had nothing to do with Jayson's decisions. He'd been hours away at a meeting when Jay wreaked havoc in their small town. It was all he thought about and being at Sandy and John's only made it worse. It was so fresh and so new.

Sandy was awake when Tavin came in. She was surprised at his sudden return. She asked about Julia, how she was doing. Tavin answered, 'awake and wants to go home'. Home to a house where she and Jay shared their last moments together. He thought about that so many times. She must have been so scared. He must have been so scared. How does one person do that to another and then turn a gun on himself? She wanted to go home. Did she expect to find peace there? He'd been there after the police were finished with their work, used Jay's key and went inside to see the place his brother had died. There was blood, a lot of it staining the carpet, the furniture, the walls. Jay's self inflicted wound exploded his head, so what did Julia expect to find at home? He shuddered at the thought, his skin crawling. Had anyone cleaned that yet? Had anyone washed the remnants away of his brother?

Sandy pretended that she was glad Julia was ok and wanted to go home. She pretended she wasn't jealous and angry that Julia had survived and Chess was at eternal rest in a cemetery. Tavin could sense her emptiness, her sadness. It hung around her like a black cloud. Tavin sat down with her on the sofa and told her he was going home over the weekend. He had a couple things he needed to take care of, but he'd return home for good once he got his pay check on Friday. She didn't ask him for reasons. He had a feeling she understood, but his life was never tied down to a house and a family. He'd always been a loner.

"Of all people to do such a thing, I never thought it would be him. I always thought it would be you." Sandy said. She walked away from him and head back toward her bedroom. She couldn't hurt Jay, but she sure could hurt him. 

So I guess now wouldn't be a good time to say that Julia wants to see the kids...Tavin thought. He went upstairs and entered the kids' room. He undressed and laid in what had been Jay's bed. He'd sleep and then...what? Go home? He had his errands to run. Julia expected him to walk away and go home. It wasn't that easy. When he was done paying for the remains, he'd just have enough gas money to get back to Pittsburgh. The car: I'm gonna have to sell the car, take the bus back home.

The old farm house was as cold on the inside as it was on the outside. Her little feet were soaked and she said they were starting to hurt. Always something with her. She had way too much to say and had caused so many problems with him and Callie that he was not interested in taking care of her or her needs. When she cried, though, he felt like he had no choice. He looked at her sitting on the table. All those red curls with flakes of snow speckled through out. She looked like a little angel. Pale skin, bundled up and sitting there like a little kid waiting for her parent to take care of her. Fuck, will you stop crying, he muttered to himself, but he didn't dare say it aloud. Whenever he was angry with her he held it in. He still loved this girl, like it or not. He couldn't deny it as he pulled off her wet shoes and socks and rubbed her tiny red and aching feet to get her warm. Touching any part of her made him happy. As he undressed her feet, he wanted to continue undressing her and ...Cold, focus on the cold.

He started a fire and made sure Red was comfortable in front of the flames that grew larger and stronger in the fire place. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she watched the flames. He looked out the window, the barren and snow blanketed field. There wasn't anything outside, but what was he looking for? She loved the fireplace and watching the flames flicker, listening to the crackle and snap of the wood. He had never been so relieved that she asked him to sit with her. They talked a while, then he felt like he had to tell her. He liked that he could talk to her, bounce the moods in his head off her and receive real and unconditional listening with no judgment. Where did she come from that she could comfort him and hold him and make him feel better? How did she manage to make him feel like he could share what he normally wouldn't share with anyone?

He woke up suddenly, laying in the same position in the same spot. He smelled the odor of a burning fire and it scared him to death. He got up, looking around the room. The kids lay asleep. He'd had that dream before. He swore he had that dream before. Then he reached for his cell. A text message from her: Do you smell it too? Tavin looked at the phone and started crying. He sat back on the bed, looking around the room. The odor of the fire had disappeared. He opened the contacts list and hit Callie's name. Her phone began to ring and her voice, sleepy and distant said, 'hello.'

"Callie. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I am. How's things there?"

"I-uh-I need to know if you're ok."

"Yes, I was asleep." She answered. From the sound of her voice, she was waking up. "What's wrong?"

"I love you and I'll be home soon. This weekend."

"Why? I thought-"

"Callie, I'll be home this weekend. I have a couple things to do and I will be there."

"Great. I want you here. I need you here. I miss you."

"It's good to hear your voice. Go back to sleep. I'll call you in the morning."

He needed to hear her voice. He needed to know she was alive. The dream of Julia's and the dream he'd just had, the information Julia had given him, he needed to know he was not too late. He couldn't save anyone here, but Callie's future wasn't written in stone. He couldn't shake the odor of the campfire though. Even though it was long gone, its odor lingered in his brain.

He spent a horrible night sleeping on and off, tossing and turning. He avoided doing it all night long, but he had to. Each time he dozed off he was back there. Back in that room, fireside, bawling like a little kid, with her.

He dialed Julia's number. She answered. "Can't sleep?" She asked.

"No."

"You went there, but you were supposed to go home."

"This weekend. I have things I need to take care of here, Julia. It's not that simple."

"I know. Nothing ever is simple. Go back to sleep. Close your eyes. I'll stop it, ok."

"Stop what?"

"I'll stop it, I said."

Tavin woke in the morning and dressed, packed his stuff in a couple bags. He'd seen the kids before they left in the morning for school and daycare. He'd given Alex his cell number on a piece of paper and tacked it to the wall. He also wrote Julia's beneath his. Alex was distant, sad, but strong like the rest of the Keller brood. Tavin didn't dare think about what this would begin to do to his brother and sister. All the memories and hardships he'd lived through didn't begin to compare with the weight of this tragedy Jay inflicted on them.

Tavin went to work, the bank and then felt all the weight on his mind again. He drove to the church in town and parked in the lot. He lit a cigarette before heading inside. "Can I bum one?" A man asked. Tavin opened his near empty pack and gave the older gentleman a smoke. "Times are hard, man. Thanks."

"No problem." Tavin replied. "Times are hard."

"Thinking of heading in?"

"Smoking first."

"Need a drink?"

"Need more than that." Tavin answered. "Not a drinker."

"I am. I been laid off. When I look for work, I take a meeting or two. It helps."

"How long you got?"

"A couple decades." He answered. "You?"

"A couple years almost." Tavin answered. He looked at the man beside him. Older, graying, heavy set. "Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar."

"From here I would guess." He laughed.

"No, not here." Tavin thought. "You ever been sick? I mean recently. I'm an EMT, maybe in Pittsburgh?"

"Nope. Never been to Pittsburgh." He said, stubbing the cigarette out. "Ready to head inside?"

"Yeah. I need this."

The basement rec room of the church was bright. Tavin studied the man he'd spoken to closely to the point he couldn't concentrate on the actual meeting. He focused on the man. His time to speak.

"I'm Tom."

"Hello, Tom."

Tavin felt a sense of relief. Tom. He did know Tom from somewhere. This was all too weird. Weird to the point he almost left. Tom shared being out of work...again. The contracting business was slow. His last finished a job in early fall working had been working with a company called T&J Vision, a fairly new and modern company that built solar powered next generation homes. All green. Tavin pulled his phone from his jacket pocket, he looked at the screen and pretended to text as he snapped a picture of Tom, the builder with T&J Vision. He had no idea why and he violated the whole spirit of anonymity, but it was something he felt he had to do.

"I'm Tavin. I'm a heroin addict."

"Hi, Tavin."

"I'm going home this weekend. Back to my life and my girlfriend. Today I'm going to sell my car, settle a debt and say good bye to a good friend."

Tavin went to the scrap yard and handed over the title to the junk car he'd bought in Pittsburgh to get to Maverick. He junked it for as much as he paid for it, so he broke even. The money he earned from the car combined with his check he'd have enough money for his brother and his ticket home. Another long bus ride to a life he left behind. Stick with the plan, he thought. He took the bus across town from the scrap yard to the Manganelli Funeral home. He met with the owner, Dominic Manganelli. He settled the debt, leaving with a bag and condolences.

"Thanks for working with me. It was kind of you under the circumstances." Tavin told the director, extending his hand. The director shook it.

"Mr Keller, good luck to you. I am truly sorry for your loss."

"Thanks again." Tavin nodded as he tucked the box into his back pack. He lifted his bags off the floor of the funeral entrance and slung them over his shoulders.

Tavin took the bus to the hospital, dropping his bags on the floor in Julia's room. She wasn't there, but the nurse advised him to wait. Cal was waiting in the room for his daughter.

"Leaving?" Cal asked.

"I just came to say goodbye, Mr Fry. That's all." Tavin went to the nurse's station. "Where's the therapy department?"

He followed the nurse's directions and went to the therapy room. He watched as Julia worked with the therapist. She'd be ok once she got stronger. He heard her arguing with the man. A friendly disagreement. Why couldn't she just do as the man asked?

"No, I want you to show me again." She demanded. "Work with me here."

"You need patience. You can't expect to do everything all in one day. It takes time." The therapist informed her.

"I got nothing but time." She argued. Tavin was glad he wasn't her therapist as he watched her. "All you're doing is showing me how to move around in bed. I can do that already. I am small. It's not a struggle. I want you to show me how to get from this bed to that chair."

"In time. One thing at a time."

"Get me someone who knows what they're doing."

"I do know what I'm doing."

"Julia, listen to the man." Tavin said. Tavin approached the set up the therapist had in the room. "Julia, from this moment on, I want you to do everything they say. No arguments, no telling people what to do. You are not in charge here."

"Huh, what did you say to me?"

"I said, you are not in charge here."

"I'm not."

"Let these people take care of you."

Julia processed what Tavin told her. He understood. From the dreams? She understood him. "I am sorry. I'm not in charge."

"You're not in charge anymore. You don't have to be scared anymore, Julia. They have a plan."

"What's the plan? I need to know the plan."

Tavin looked at the therapist. "She needs to know the plan. You need to write the plan down for her."

"I can print out the plan. I can give you anything you need to improve and heal."

"Do it. Do it now, please. Everything you have I want it now. All the information. I need to know. I need-"

"Julia, calm down. You'll get it." Tavin assured her. "You can't come up with this plan. You're not in charge here. Do you understand?"

"Understood."

Tavin stepped back and watched the rest of her therapy session. She was at ease, cooperative and she asked questions. Before she left the therapist gave her paperwork. A lot of paperwork. Print outs of therapeutic exercises and information on strengthening and most of all safety. She needed to learn how to do it all safely so she wouldn't get hurt. The session ended and they sat together looking out the window of the therapy room over the back of the hospital.

"You understand now?" Julia asked, taking his hand.

"I think so. I'm confused for sure, but yes." He answered. "I got something to show you. I don't want you to freak out though." He told her as he reached into his pocket. He pulled out his cellphone and opened up the photo gallery. He told her about his day, all his errands. He omitted the funeral home for now for a reason. He didn't want to upset her and she already knew where Jayson was. He told her that he'd spoken to a man. "On a hunch I got something that might be interesting."

"What's that?"

Tavin opened the photo gallery and clicked on the picture of the man from the meeting. "Who's this man?" Tavin turned the phone to her so she could take in the characteristics of the man he'd met, felt a connection to.

She smiled, teared up and let the moisture roll down her cheeks. "That's Tom." She said, taking the phone from him. "Oh, God. That's my friend, Tom."

"What did he do for a living?"

"He's a carpenter." She replied, touching the screen of the phone.

"How do we know him?"

"He nearly died. We took care of him. The farmhouse I told you about, that was his vision, Tavin."

Tavin whispered to her. "He worked for a company called T&J Vision."

"Tom's vision was the farmhouse. We came up with a plan to get it up and running, solar power and building the addition for us to live. The farm was Julia's vision, like the stuff we grew...the fields."

"He built houses that were green."

"Yeah I know. That's how he knew how to hook us up, to run our fridges and charge the lap top and iPads for the kids." Julia said, crying softly. "He's a wonderful man. A smart man. A caring man. You were close to him."

"I'm going home now, Julia."

"Good. I told you to go home yesterday. Tavin, you don't understand and the less you know-"

"Are you in control of them, the dreams? Like can you pull us all together?"

"All of us?"

"Yes, all of us. Like you pulled me there last night. Can you do it again?"

"I can try."

"I want to see him, Julia."

"I don't think-I don't know if it's a good idea."

"Why?"

"Cause I miss him and I love him. Isn't that enough?" She cried thinking of her husband. "The others don't know what happened. The others...are living there. And Hayley is dead."

"Hayley's dead? What do you mean she died? She died there too?"

"This is going to open up something I don't know if I can control. I had all my questions answered, but the others..."

"You have your questions answered. I don't. It's not fair."

"I can try, but what good can come of it. I told him goodbye, Tavin.  I made peace with that. Knowing what I know. How everything happened. How he left me."

"Hey, like I said. I'm going home." Tavin told her. "I love you and I'll wait for you, when you're ready."

"Send me the picture, Tavin."

CHAPTER ELEVEN-AWAKENING

Beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...Damn it, that's annoying.

He told me I would be awake.  He told me when I wake up, I would be home. I would open my eyes and I would be able to fucking...open my eyes...

Open them...open...open...open.

Julia opened her eyes. The room was dark, but her eyes were definitely open. She stared directly at the drop ceiling. A small water stain was on the drop ceiling panel in the corner. There was an aseptic smell.

What the hell is in my mouth? There's something in my mouth. In my throat.

An alarm sounded in the left ear. She took a deep breath over whatever was lodged in her mouth. She moved her hands. She was tied down. The 'beep' sped up. She'd been tethered to a bed before, so getting out of the soft restraints on her wrists were no obstacle. Whoever had applied it was a poor Caleb Downing copy cat. Her hands slipped out easily. The 'beep' slowed as her heart slowed, no longer racing.  She reached up to her mouth, feeling the plastic tube that was lodged in her mouth.

What on earth did Tavin do to me?

She grasped the tubing and wiggled it around a little. It was stuck? She coughed as hard as she could muster and pulled the tube as she coughed. Out. Pain ripped through her chest. Her ribs were healing. She could barely move her right leg. It was then she decided she was in some trouble. She turned her head to the left and saw the source of that annoying beep. A heart monitor. Fantastic set up he had going here. Where did he get all the equipment and the electricity to run that equipment? Generator maybe? She was confused, disoriented to her surroundings. She reached around her chest, removing the monitor leads, her abdomen and her thigh, her arm. Once the leads were removed, the monitor went crazy sounding a steady and monotonous 'beeeeeeeeeeep'.

"Oh, my. Hello. Look who's awake." A nurse smiled. She attempted to reattach the leads and Julia punched her in her nose. She left out a little squeal and backed off. "Ok. Ok. Calm down, Julia.  I'm Kendall. I'm your nurse. I'm trying to help you."

"Get the fuck away from me and turn that the hell off. " Julia demanded, her voice hoarse from the tubing that had been in her throat. The nurse silenced the monitor and urged her to allow her to reapply the leads. "Get all this stuff off me now. And get me my doctor."

"I'll get him now, Julia." The nurse scurried off, disappearing a few minutes, then returned with a kid not much older than Julia was herself.

The nurse was relieved to have the doc standing at her side as she took Julia's vitals. The kid couldn't have been more than 25 and he looked younger than that. Dark brown hair cropped short. Brown eyes and a chubby face to match his chubby body. The doctor whipped a stethoscope off his neck and started placing it on her chest with his chubby, sausage fingers. "Get off me. Where's Tavin Keller?"

"He's not here right now, Julia. He'll be here in the morning." Kendall answered. "Julia, please let him assess you."

"Where's Jayson Keller?"

The nurse touched Julia's hand.  "Julia," She said.

"Never mind. I know where he is." Julia said, cutting the nurse off.

"Do you remember what happened to you?"

Nurse Kendall stayed by Julia's side and answered any questions she had, though Julia kept her mouth shut and didn't have much to say. She watched as Kendall removed the monitors and the IV, but she declined to remove the catheter that had been placed in her bladder. Once Kendall had turned on the lights in the room, Julia was awed by the display of flowers and cards and handmade well wishes. Balloons. Julia hated balloons.

"Who sent all this stuff here? Everyone I know is dead." Julia stated more as matter of fact than anything. "Where's my cell phone? Can I have the remote? I'm thirsty too. Can I have some soda?"

"Anything else?" Kendall asked.

"A notebook and a pen. I need to write this all down."

Kendall did her best to promptly meet all her needs. Julia apologized for punching her in the nose. Kendall set a note pad and a pen in front of Julia on her over bedside table. Kendall looked at her with the sad nurse face.

Julia looked at the clock on the wall. 500am. This was the time she and Chess would make love. Morning wood, Julia thought. It was time to fill the stoves and make coffee. Julia looked at her fingers. No ring. No marriage. No husband.

Her father was first to arrive. He arrived solo. He was overjoyed that Julia was awake. He met her with a hug, tears and didn't want to let go of her. He had many questions, which Julia refused to answer. She was caught in between two worlds. He knew everything, every detail of her life from the moment she met Jay till the moment he tried to kill his daughter. It was a miracle she was alive. Who takes a shot to the head like that and lives through it? Julia. Just her luck.

A head shot. She reached to her head and felt the bandage.

"He shot me in my head and in my back." Julia said softly.

"Do you remember it, Julia?"

"Yes and no, dad. Yes and no."

"I'm glad he's dead. Or I would have killed him with my bare hands."

"Dad, really, can we not do this?"

"I know you won't sit here and defend his actions."

"I can't judge him by his actions on one day out of many days." Julia informed him.

"Julia Jillian-"

"I don't expect you to understand this. You never will."

"Why? Why did he do it?"

"I had a long time to make peace with Jayson. I have my answers. He wrote you a letter. What did it say?"

"How do you know about the letters?"

"I know a lot of things, dad. There were five letters."

"There were four, Julia."

"There were five, dad. One was for his mom. One was for the kids, who I want to see by the way. One was for Officer Ripkin, his confession. The other was to you, John, Sandy and Hayley's parents."

"Were you aware of this? Beforehand?"

"No, dad. I wasn't."

"The last letter. Who was that for?"

Julia thought a moment, choosing to keep the contents of that letter to herself, "His brother." Julia looked at the clock. Almost 7am. "Listen, find me a real doctor. Someone who can explain my injuries and the expectations. You know. Who operated on me? Not that little sausage finger intern from this morning. Lifted my gown all up and acted like he never saw boobs before." Julia complained. "Go. Find. Me. A. Doctor."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be back, Julia."

"And breakfast. Some coffee. Do you know what I have had to eat lately?"

Julia flipped on the news. She discovered she was only out four weeks. In that four weeks, she'd had a hell of a dream, lived a different life, led a group of people through unspeakable acts and horrors. She'd resolved every last issue she had with Jay, except the one that put her in a hospital bed. She never expected to wake up like this. Another challenge to over come. She needed the internet. If she had learned anything in the time she spent in her head, it was research. She needed to research her condition, the recovery and how long it would take to get back on her feet. What were the odds of a complete recovery? She suddenly felt she had a long road ahead of her.

Julia's legs were just shot, literally. Very little feeling, mostly a numbness like when your leg falls asleep. Julia felt that was a good sign rather than a bad one. She tried to wiggle her toes, tried to bend her leg. She needed to get stronger. If she got stronger, then she may be able to move them. Move them, she decided. Julia pulled the pillow case off her pillow and looped it around her foot, beneath the arch. She pulled the case with one hand and then lifted her knee with the other. Ten times. Her legs were heavy.  She needed to know if she could stand. She lifted her right leg, holding each end of the pillow case. She pulled it till it dropped over the side of the bed. She followed suit with her left.

"You're gonna fall if you do that, genius." Tavin said from the doorway to her room. "Where are you going?" He asked as he entered, setting a cup of coffee on the table.

"I want to stand up. Help me."

"Julia, you cannot stand up."

"Look, Tavin." She pointed, trying to wiggle her toes. They didn't move.

"Look, Colombian black. Get back in bed."

"I need to get out of here, Tavin. I don't want to be here."

"You just woke up, like 2 hours ago. Chill. Get in and drink your coffee."

"How are the kids?"

"Not gonna lie, they're fucked up. Sandy put Alex in therapy. Tatia doesn't understand."

"It was my job to protect them, Tavin, from stuff like this."

"I don't know what he was thinking, Julia, I am so sorry any of this happened."

"There's so much we need to talk about."

Tavin helped her back into bed and settled her in with her cup of coffee. Julia detailed bits and pieces of her dream. It took 2 hours. She gave him names and dates and addresses, locations. She swore it had been so vivid, so real, so unbearably wonderful and real.

"Zombies, Julia?"

"The zombie apocalypse. For real."

"You died." He said. "You were gone for forty five minutes."

"I'm aware. That was the best part, Tavin.  It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make, deciding whether to go with her or stay here. I chose to stay."

"Julia, it had to be the drugs they gave you. Maybe you were tripping? Or the lack of oxygen when you coded?"

"I am not trying to figure it out, Tavin. I know what it meant for me."

"You saw him. Before you woke up? What did he say?"

"That he was sorry. He only wanted us to be together. All of us. He never meant for any of this to happen."

"He's sorry? Sorry. You don't see what it's like out there, Julia. Do you realize what he did?"

"I realize that. I understand and I forgave him. I am alive. Everyone else has to do it in their own time."

"It's just not that easy, so watch what you say to people. People are still hurting."

"Understood. I didn't say I was over it, but I am sensitive, Tavin. It can't be easy for you either."

"Thank God you did not mail that letter."

"I mailed the letters that needed to be mailed. The truth was supposed to come out. I didn't know he was going this far. I didn't know he still had the gun and the knife. I didn't know he was going to do this. I would have stopped him. I thought we were going to get in trouble, go to jail, not to the grave. He was pissed off and made a desperate decision."

"The cops are coming to question you. They have all our phones, the letters, everything."

"You didn't get in trouble? For anything you did with me?"

"No. We were both underage. Didn't break any laws, Julia."

When the detectives showed up, they informed her she was being interviewed as a witness. To Julia, the interview felt like an interrogation and they questioned her for a couple hours, asking the same questions in different ways, trying to trick her into a response they wanted to hear. They questioned her about her interactions with Caleb Downing, his murder and the arson that followed perpetrated by Jayson Keller. Julia knew the contents of the letters by heart. She didn't need to read them, she didn't need to look at photo copies of them. In fact she could recite them. Jay claimed complete responsibility for every action. He had written them to clean up the mess. He had fixed everything like he said he would. He did not reveal the fact she'd been sexually assaulted, rather that he'd discovered Caleb Downing's whereabouts, he'd gone into the house on Green Street and he had executed him. He then had burned the house down to cover up any evidence. They had to clarify a lot and Julia answered every single solitary question they had honestly. They knew everything anyway, so hiding the details of her life wouldn't matter at all. "Have I answered all your questions?"

"All except for one, Miss Fry." Detective George replied.  "Where are Caleb Downing's books?"

"You'd need to ask him that, Detective."

"In his letter to Officer Daniel Ripkin, Mr Keller stated you were in possession of those books."

"Well, I'm not." Julia replied.

"So you never had possession of them?"

"Look, you have knowledge of every part of my life. You've got my phone and no doubt the last  month while I have been here, you left no stone unturned. You have met every skeleton in my closet. If you haven't found them, then you will not find them. I do not have them."

"This is starting to sound like an interrogation, not an interview." Cal said, stepping into the conversation. "Do we need a lawyer?"

"No, Mr Fry."

"You come in here and question my kid about a murder that he admitted to. You come in here after he tried to assassinate my daughter in her own home and treat her like a criminal. She is a victim here."

"Mr Fry, my apologies. Miss Fry, if you have anything you are willing to add to this, then please feel free to contact me."

The detective set a card on the table in front of Julia. Cal took it from her and placed it in his pocket. "I'll get a lawyer. If they come back, you can hand them his card."

"Whose card? The lawyer you're gonna get?"

"Yes. No more question answer sessions. They have what they need." Cal said.

"It must have been hard to listen to all that." Julia told him. "You didn't have to stay through it."

"I'm glad you're alive. That's what I care about."

Tavin visited Julia again before work, after visiting hours had ended. Cal and Tavin hadn't been on the best terms, so they tried to visit at different times. Tavin roomed at Sandy's since the shooting and had picked up a part time job for a local ambulance company in Maverick. He left school and decided to pick up paramedic school in the spring back in Pittsburgh. He needed to be with his family and close to Julia. If she had woken up in a different mental place, she'd need some reminding and some coaxing. He didn't need her confessing their sins as well. Jay had already caused enough trouble in a Percocet vodka driven depression. He'd told them both to stay separated and neither listened. In Jay's fragile state, he'd only have killed himself. Instead, that fragility carried into the lives of many other people. Those he'd killed and those who loved them.

Being in the middle of the media frenzy was just mind boggling. They stood outside the school and they stood outside the hospital and they held their news bites in their front yards. Not only had this taken hold of the local news media, but the national news media as well. The first couple weeks they were headline and front page news. Social media was hot in the way of debates over gun laws and mental illness. Jay was not mentally ill according to friends and family, stressed maybe, but mentally ill? No one wanted to believe that the boy they all had known so well and loved so much was a cold blooded killer. He'd taken three lives, his own in addition to attempting to take Julia's.

Julia learned of her awakening on the evening news as well as her condition. She was baffled that they could hold a press conference in reference to her and her condition. They withheld specifics and asked that the family's privacy be respected. Tavin made sure she was comfortable, had what she needed and then set a cell phone on her table.

"How's Callie?" Julia asked.

"Callie? Uh-she's ok. Why?"

"Just asking."

"Julia, we don't talk about Callie. What's up?"

"You left her there alone."

"I did. To be here. With my family."

"I'm awake. I'll survive. Go home to your girlfriend, Tavin. Leave this behind you. This all wasn't part of your plan. What was your plan?"

"Julia, I can't leave."

"You can't take over for him out of guilt. Go back to Pittsburgh. Go back to school."

"And go back to Callie. That's what you want after all of this?"

"It is what you want." Julia said, eyes tearing up. "Look, she's a sensitive, sweet and caring girl. But you can't leave her alone like this."

"You act like you know her, Julia."

"She doesn't know anything about you, does she?"

"She knows enough."

"Leave it that way. Don't say a word about your past. You cannot say a word."

"Julia, I don't for a reason."

"You have to please trust me when I say to stay a mystery to her. Tell me you'll do that."

"I will." He nodded. "But I have been here sitting next to this bed since it happened. I'm supposed to get up and leave?"

"Yes. I appreciate you sitting here and talking to me and keeping me entertained."

"I watched you die and I watched them-"

"Bring me back. I know. I was there." She told him. "I watched over you watching over me. I remember all those secrets you told me."

"Secrets? Julia, you were out."

"But I was there. I can hear. We may have been in this place, but we spent a really interesting night together in zombie land. You were so mad at me. Christ, it was a disagreement over what direction we were headed. We disagreed a lot. So, anyway, we spent the night in the farmhouse, before we'd repaired it. You spent a long time telling me things that I didn't know."

"Like what?"

"His name was Arnold. And I know what you did, what you let him do." Tavin stared at her. He hadn't expected that from her. "You may have been sitting here, telling me about it when you thought I wasn't listening, but I heard every word you said. I remember every word you said."

"Julia, I never told anyone that. Anyone."

"It's safe with me."

"No, you don't get it. I never told you that. Ever. I never admitted that to anyone." Tavin leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands, trying to process what she just told him. "How much detail did I give you?"

"All of it. What do you mean you never told me? You sat beside me. You fucking cried."

"Julia, no. I never did. I spent time holding your hand. I spent time telling you things, but never that."

Tavin got out of his chair and sat on the edge of the bed. "What exactly do you think happened?"

"I don't think, I know." She answered. She leaned very close to him, placed her head on his shoulder. "You want me to repeat the awful things? Bottom?"

"I need to know if you're right or whether you're wrong. Is this place bugged or something?"

"No." Julia answered. She whispered in his ear the details of his rock bottom. The 20's on the desk, his lack of an erection, the sex.

Tavin hung his head. He got off the bed and stood away from her. "How'd you know that? Tell me now."

"Tavin, you told me."

"Well, damn. Do you know the lottery numbers too?"

"I wish, Tav. Hindsight is 20/20." She laughed. "Go home. If you care about her at all, go home. Sit by her bed for awhile."

"Ok. " He said. He leaned over her and gave her a kiss on her forehead. "Love you. Call me. My number's in your cell."

"Love you too. I'll call you. Text you. Keep in touch."

Tavin walked to the door, then turned to Julia. "Hey, what happened to Callie? In your dream."

"Are you sure you'd like to know?"

"I'd like to know why you're so insistent on getting me back to her."

"Suicide." Julia answered. "Call me. Let me know she's ok."

CHAPTER TEN-DELIRIUM

Julia strolled past the busses and started walking. It was warm out, so she didn't need a jacket. She adjusted the back pack on her shoulders and she only stopped for the cell phone that beeped its message tone. She reached around into the side pocket of her back pack, then pulled out the android, looking at the screen. Image: a gun she'd seen before. That's crazy, that gun's at the bottom of Shade's Lake. Another message tone. Image: That's the knife that's with the gun in the bottom of Shade's Lake. Julia looked around her. The messages had come from Jay's phone. She dialed it, he answered.

"Are you seriously fucking with my head right now, Jayson Keller, because that is not funny."

"I want you to know that I love you, Julia. And I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what, Jay?"

"For what I am about to do."

She heard the phone as he set it down, but the line didn't disconnect.

First gun shot. Second gun shot. Third gun shot.

"Jayson! This isn't funny, Jayson Keller. Talk to me! Where are you?"

The phone picked up again. "It's done. I'm coming for you next." Click.

Julia woke up, panic stricken, sitting straight up in bed and scaring Chess half to death. "Every fuckin morning, Julia. Jesus Christ just sleep with the light on."

"I can't wake up from this, Chess. I can't."

"You are awake."

"Ugh, this is a nightmare." Julia cursed. She got out of bed and turned on her lamp.

"Why?"

"I don't know. As soon as I go to sleep it starts. It like loops around, bits and pieces of different dreams where he...he didn't shoot me this time though."

"Who did he shoot?"

"I don't know. It was over the phone. I heard it like pop, pop, pop." Julia said, haunted by the sounds of gunfire. "I can't go back to sleep right now."

"Where are you going?"

"Out there. I'll take my books."

 "No, Julia. You feel hot. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Jayson. Fuck. Leave me alone." She spat angrily and left him in bed.

Chess eyed her strangely. He got up and pulled on some shorts and he watched her from the addition entrance. She walked around the room talking to herself. She didn't even notice he was standing there. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He knew something was wrong as soon as she called him Jayson. He hated himself for doing it, but he went to get Tavin.

"There's something wrong with her, Tavin. Please go see for yourself and look at her." He called through the shut door. He heard him moving around, getting dressed. Then he led him to the living room where Julia was. They both watched her. "What's going on with her?"

"I have no idea."

"She called me Jayson. She snapped at me and called me Jayson. She keeps having dreams that wake her up every night, but tonight was different."

Julia head into the table and sat down with her books. She heard the beeping sounds. Steady, rhythmic. Beep...beep...beep...beep...beep... What the hell? Where is that coming from? Julia spent at least an hour pacing around the first floor of the house, listening in corners, listening in the different rooms.  She got on the floor, ear against the floor boards. I'm losing my mind. I finally lost it.

"Julia, what's up?"

She jumped, startled by Tavin in the living room. "Huh?" She asked confused.

"What are you fuckin' doing?" He asked, watching over her.

"I'm -uh- do you hear that noise? The beeping, Tavin.  I hear it."

"I hear you, but that's all." He crouched next to her, placed his hand on her back. "I think you're hearing things, Julia."

"I hear it, Tavin. Listen." She whispered.

"I need to look at  you, ok. Can I look at you? You look really, really off tonight."

"Off? I am not 'off'."

"You're burning up, Julia. I need to look at  you. Please. Here, let me help you."

"Tavin, I am ok."

"Get up. Come with me."  Tavin helped her off the cold wooden floor and took her to the table.

"There's nothing wrong with me. Tavin, I hear the noise and if you paid any attention you would hear it too."

Tavin assessed her, listening to her every word. "She's infected again. I think."

"No."

"Maybe. I can't be sure, but she's 100.4 and there's no other symptoms."

"We gotta get her in the room and keep her in there. I need to check you out too."

"I'm going with her." Chess said, but Tavin intervened.

"Chess, that's not a good idea."

"I go where Julia goes." He said, standing his ground. "Come on, Julia. Let's go back to the room. See if the noise is in there too."

"No. no, no, no, no...It's dark in there. I can't go back in that dark room."

"Julia, I have the lights on."

"You do?"

"Yes. Come see. I have lights on."

Tavin stood up and went to Jay's door. "Jay, I need you." He knocked. "Jayson, yo." He called, knocking again. When he got no response, he opened the door to Jay's room and he wasn't inside.

"Jay!" It was the middle of the night. "Where you at?"

Jess heard Tavin calling for Jay. She laid still, it was the middle of the night. "Jay, wake up. Tavin's calling you. Jay, wake up." She shook him.

Jess heard the knock on her door. It cracked a bit. "Jess, is he in here?"

"Yeah, I am." Jay mumbled sleepily. "What's up?"

"She's infected again."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what am I going to do? You're the doc."

"And I lost my fucking nurse. I got all these people to check."

"Now? Right now?" Jay whined.

Tavin kicked the door open and stepped inside. He pulled the blanket off him, which Jay grabbed and pulled back. "I'm up. I'll be right there. Let me get dressed."

"Is Jess ok?"

"I'm just fine. He gave me a full check up."

Jay reached and felt her forehead. "She'll live."

"She stays in here. No one out of the rooms till we come through and clear you. You need something, you call."

"I don't need anything. Can I go back to sleep?" Jess said. "Or can I help? I'll help."

"No, stay in here with the babies."

Jay gathered a cart and charts and anything else Tavin asked for out of the pantry. Jay had Chess in the hall in a chair outside his door. Julia lay in bed, talking to herself with 5 lamps around her. She was shivering, curled up on her side, complaining of stomach pain. Chess checked out fine.

"What's with all the lights, man?"

"She is paranoid and scared of the dark."

"Weird. Cause that's not how the infection works. It didn't happen last time." Jay said to Chess. "How long has she been bleeding?"

"Bleeding? She's not." Chess replied. Then he turned and saw the blood. He wanted to go in the room, but Jay grabbed him.

"No way, man. No way." Jay warned him. "Tavin, there's a problem here."

"Tavin, pay some attention. There's a problem here." Chess screamed, distracting him from Tom's assessment. He got out of the chair he sat in and walked to Chess and his brother.

"Shit." Tavin cursed. "Gloves. Mask. And do we still have gowns? Julia, do we have gowns?"

"This is bullshit. I don't think she's infected."

"Jay, can't take the chance."

"Pantry." She called, holding her stomach.

Tavin went off to the pantry and Jay went in her room. No gloves or mask or gown. "Hey, Jules. I wanna help you, babe." He said. "Did you come in contact with any walkers or anything lately?"

"No."

"Do you know where you are?"

"In my room."

"What's your name?"

"Julia Morgan."

"What's with the lights? Tell me about the lights."

"I'm scared to be in the dark cause of the dreams."

"Do you need the lights on now?"

"Not all of them."

"Why not?"

"Cause I am awake, duh. They put all these lights on. Not me."

"Oh, well. Can I turn them off a minute?"

"I don't care. Go ahead."

Jay turned off all the lights, except for one. He sat and took hold of her hand. "You are bleeding, you know. Are you gonna throw up?"

"No."

"Can you sit up for me? If I help you."

"My stomach hurts, Jayson."

"I know. Come on. Sit up." He assisted her to a seated position. Her skin was on fire. He put his thumbs beneath her eyes, pulled downward and looked for bleeding. "They tell me you're a bit paranoid, but you know what's going on here. Don't you?"

"I do, Jayson."

"They tell me you're infected, but I don't agree with that. Do you think you're infected again?"

"Yes and no."

"I'm going to turn this light off a minute, then turn it back on. You know why."

"Go ahead."

Jay flicked off the light, then flicked it on. Her eyes adjusted normally. "Did that hurt, babe?"

"No, why are you calling me babe like that?"

"Sorry. Habit. Listen, I took care of you a couple times when you were sick, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

"The last time wasn't anything like this. This is more like the first time, Julia."

"The first time."

"Do you know where you're bleeding from?"

"I do."

"So, it's where I think it's from and not the other places? I am going to leave and I want you to talk with Chess and Tavin and we're going to let them take care of you."

"It's happening again isn't it? Why's this happening to us?"

"I don't know."

"You shot me, Jayson. Why did you do that?"

"Julia, I didn't shoot you. You just told me where the blood's coming from."

"In my dream, Jayson."

"I'm sorry."

"You told me that too. When you shot the others."

"Julia, I am not shooting you."

"Cause you love me."

"I do. And I want Tavin to fix this and Chess will hold your hand and take care of you."

"No. I can't do this. Not without you."

"Yeah, I think you can. You're sick, but I am not your husband. Chess is."

Jay got up and started turning on her lights again. He met them in the hall way and took Chess and Tavin away from the room.  He gathered up the charts, placed them on the cart. "She is not infected. So take off your gown and your mask. Everyone go back to bed. We're through here." Jay stood unusually quiet as he wheeled their cart away from the hall and back to the pantry. He pulled Jess's chart and flipped through the pages, leaving it open on the table. He pulled Kelly's chart and did the same. He pulled Julia's chart from the pile and opened it on the table.  He started flipping through and read the last entry to Tavin and Chess.

"I can't believe you. I'll keep this to myself and maybe she won't remember or think about it. Hell, maybe it's even her own fault for not doing it."

"Doing what? Jay, what are you talking about?"

"I don't know if it's connected, the paranoid stuff or not. But when I was waiting for you to get done with Tom I was reading Julia's chart. The last entry-you wrote about putting in her birth control."

"So?  I did it right. Jay, I did it right."

"I realize that. What's different between hers and the other two?" He asked, shaking his head as he pointed out the obvious in writing.

"She does them. I thought she did one."

"Well, did she? It's not written down? Did you put that inside her and not ask if she was pregnant? How long was it out anyway?"

"A few hours. That's all."

"Any way to find out for sure? Cause I-it doesn't matter. Just go take care of her."

"There's a way to know for sure. Her journal." Chess answered. "No, I trust her. Completely. She wouldn't lie about it."

"Julia would never lie to someone she loves." Jay said sarcastically.

Jay jogged the steps upstairs, crawling back in the bed beside his leftovers.

"Everything alright?"

"Yes and no." Jay answered, turning away from her. " I feel bad for her is all."

"What's going on? Is she infected?"

"No. She's not, but yes. Just not going to turn into something horrible." He replied.

"What is it, then Jay?"

"It's personal is all. If she talks about it she talks about it."

"I wish you wouldn't be so closed off with me, Jayson."

"I wish you wouldn't ask so many questions, Jesslyn."

"I wish we could have a simple conversation that doesn't end up in an argument."

"I wish we could have a simple conversation."

"I think we're better at sex than we are anything else, Jay."

"It's how this works, cause you get on my nerves."

"Sorry I am not her, Jay."

"She gets on my nerves too. Don't feel like you're special."

"Why you so bitchy?"

"Why are you?"

"Truce. Before we say anything we might regret?"

"Truce then." Jess said, agreeing to disagree. "So there was no beeping?"

"Not one single beep that I could here."

Chess stayed by her side in the room waiting for her memory and behavior to resolve. He also kept her from ripping out the IV that Tavin had placed in her arm. He'd given her a dose of antibiotic. Chess nearly had to sit on her just to get the drip to infuse. She wouldn't stop moving and the more they approached her, the more angry she got. She swore they were stabbing her when the IV went in and then she swore they were against her and going to try to kill her. She was panicked and scared and came out swinging. Fortunately she was weak and couldn't hit hard. Plus the pain she felt subdued her.

She was a mess, physically and mentally. It was all the beeping. The beeping, she swore she was getting text messages. She ranted they stole her phone, they were holding her hostage. Why wouldn't they let her see Jayson? Was he infected? She came back and forth in reality and time between the days when she had a cell and a boyfriend named Jay and the time when she had a husband named Chess and walkers on the fence. She scratched and bit if they put their hands on her. She was a bloody mess, pants soaked with blood and she had blood on her hands and her face.

Chess couldn't take anymore. He'd said all he could think of saying. He pleaded with her, he begged her to just stop, he thought he was losing his mind. Then she went and got mean and gradually more loud.

When Jay and Jess came downstairs to start the walker checks and the wood run, they peeked in on the commotion Julia was causing. Anyone that roomed in the addition was in the dining room or the living room. "What the hell is going on?" Jay asked as he peered into the room around his brother. Jay pulled his hoodie over his head and stepped around them both. "I thought you were going to take care of her."

"Jay, she's an animal." Tavin said. "It's all we could do to keep her in there."

He tossed his hoodie to Jess and told Chess to go with Jess and do his job. "If you treat her like an animal, she'll act like one."

"Jay, we did everything." Chess argued, pulling Jay's hoodie on over his head. Jay tossed Chess's boots out the door to him.

"Jess knows what we do." Jay said. He pulled the door shut behind him.

Julia was crouched on the top of the bed. "Jules, you're a mess. Come here."

"Jayson, where were you?"

"I was asleep."

"Why did you shoot me? Am I that horrible? Am I that bad?" She whispered, looking around the room.

"No, you're not. Come down here, babe. Let me help you."

"You said you would come to me. After you fired the gun, on the cell. Now you're here. Where's your gun? Is it on you? The knife? From the box."

"Julia, I have no weapons on me. I came for you. I want you to come with me. I would never hurt you."

Julia's crouching stance loosened up a little. She looked at his waist. He saw that and he turned so she could see he had no gun and no knife.

"I remember the bullet. You shot me in my head, Jayson, then when I tried to leave, you shot me in my head. You stood over me and you shot me in my head."

"Julia, I am not here to shoot you."

She crawled onto the bed. "The blood. Look at all this blood, Jayson. It's everywhere."

"I'll clean it up."

"It hurts, Jay."

"I know it hurts, Julia. That's why I am here. I came for you. I came to help you."

"Did you do this cause of Tavin? Because of what I did with Tavin?"

"I hate him for that."

"You hate me too. That's why you did this to me."

"I loved you more than I hated you. That's why I came for you. That's why I am here with you right now."

"So you can be the one to take care of me. Because you're the only one who can take care of me."

"I should be taking care of you. I always should have been the one taking care of you, but you took that choice away from me. But it's ok. It doesn't matter now. Cause I want you to let me help you and make this all better."

"You want me to trust you? Come with you? I only go with my daughter and I don't hear her. I don't see her and I certainly don't feel her. I only go with Jayla."

"Are you sure about that?"

"You can try to kill me, Jayson. You can put two bullets in me, but I don't die that easily."

"I didn't kill you."

"I can take care of myself. No matter what you do to me, Jayson. I am a strong girl. I am a good person. I made mistakes, but I paid for them."

"I am sorry, Julia. I am so sorry. I never meant for anything to happen. I never meant for it all to come to this. I can clean this up. I can make this better. I can."

"I don't want you to do anything for me. I just want to wake up. That's all I want."

"Let me help you. Come on. Get down off there. I can clean you up and I can let you relax and fall asleep. No more dreams and no more nightmares."

"Is that all it'll take to let me wake up and go home?"

"Yeah, babe. I'll make sure of that." Jay helped Julia off the bed. He removed her clothes. He cleaned her and redressed her.

"Jesslyn told me about your letters."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"How could you do that to Tavin?"

"I didn't do anything to my brother, Julia. I never mailed that letter."

"You still wrote that letter." She said. She watched Jay change the sheets on the bed. She let him lay her down and tuck her in. "Sit here with me a while longer. Even though I won't do as you ask, I do love you. I can't judge you by your actions on one day of our many."

"I wish I saw it that way."

"I wish you had seen it that way too."

"Go to sleep, Julia. When you wake up I won't be here."

"I know. But we'll see each other again sometime, right? You can stop by in another dream and we can hang out and talk."

"I would like that."

"Is she coming for you?"

"Close your eyes. Go to sleep."

"Is she coming for you?"

"No, Julia. She's not."

"Who's coming for you, Jayson? I don't want you to be alone."

"Well, Hayley and Chess and Andy."

"That's why you shot me."

"Shhh, enough. Close your eyes."

"I'm so tired and it hurts so much." She said. "When I wake up, will I be home?"

"Yeah, Julia."

CHAPTER NINE-LEFT OVERS

Jess sat speechless. She closed the gap between Jay and herself, sitting next to him. Jay had just doled out his deepest and darkest days to her, which she hadn't expected. At the most she thought she'd hear a pep talk or some words that would make her feel better just so he could get in her pants, but she hadn't expected his confession.

"She made you feel like that? Jay, I completely understand."

"Back then I would have said yes." Jay corrected her. "You know, I was thinking about this. After she found out about the baby when she like freaked out and left me alone,  I had a lot of time to think. When I look back now, it was me that made me feel like that. I should have left her alone then."

"Thanks, Jay."

"However angry or sad you are, just be happy it's over."

He picked himself up and he walked away, closing her bedroom door shut behind him.

Jay crossed the hall and turned the knob to get in the boys' room.  Daniel was sound asleep and the boys were sitting on the floor with the twins playing cards. He left the door open and told them to keep it that way from now on. "No more shut door here. I mean it. Have fun." Jay walked down the stairs and turned the left into his room. He lay down, closed his eyes for what he thought would be a  cat nap, but it turned into hours.

Julia woke in the morning like every morning, startled and relieved, in pitch darkness, complete stillness. Can I live like this forever?  If I close my eyes and then open them, maybe, poof!, I will be home again. I swear I would do it different. I swear... No more panic and no more fear. No more pitch black.  She reached for Jayson, everything a blur, screaming no. Holding her hands up at him as he waved the gun. The gun in his hand. She could feel moisture collecting on her scalp, in her hair, flowing into her eye. A sharp pain in her temple region and she struggled to stay on her feet. Her vision blurred, then went completely and devastatingly black. She struggled to stay awake, then the fear would take over, then the overwhelming relief and calm. She opened and closed her eyes and nothing.  No more sounds of gun shots to startle her awake and get her heart racing. Damn it... she cursed as she realigned herself in the bed, hearing the heart beat through Chess's rib cage. She lay beside him, as close as she could possibly get and dealt with the vacuum of her own anxiety.

"Another dream?" Chess asked, rousing from slumber.

"Yeah, they're getting harder to wake up from." Julia answered.

"He shot you again?"

"Yeah, in the head, always in the head. And it hurts and it all fades to black. A heavy black, like in here with the lights out."

"Well, you're fine. Go back to sleep."

"Don't want to go back to sleep. Wanna fool around?"

Jay woke from what he thought was a nap to realize that it was morning. Time for morning rounds. If I am lucky I can get outta here before they wake up. Jay threw the covers back and put his feet on the floor. The throw rug was bumpy beneath his feet. He'd grown accustomed to the dark in his space. Rooming alone, he knew exactly where everything was. He liked the dark, reaching for his clothes and getting ready in the morning without the assist of light, he felt blind. He heard the footsteps coming downstairs, hurried feet descended and rounded the way to the addition. She stopped in front of his door. "Hey, I caught you."

"Caught me doing what, Jess?" He asked as he laced up his boots. She shined a flash light in the room.

"Before you went out. I want to help you out."

"Well come in and help me then." He told her. He stopped lacing his boots and sat straight.

"No, I mean I wanna help you with the wood. You know, whatever you do in the morning."

"That's the wood I need the most help with, Jess."

"Oh, god." She sighed, shining the light on his pants. "Sure. I can help." She said, stepping inside and turning off her light. Jess kneeled in front of him, listening to him undoing his pants in the dark.

Jay leaned back against the wall and enjoyed Jess's mouth as she sucked him. He couldn't see a thing, no movement, no head bobbing on him, but he still closed his eyes. For some reason that just enhanced the whole act for him. He could feel her hands on his balls, touching him gently and then her tongue. He heard his own voice, 'Jess, that's nice.' It was all very good, the wet heat against his flesh, her lips as she moved over the head, then all the way down over him. He could hear Julia in the next room, her voice adding background music to Jess's action. Julia's moaning. Jess's suction. Julia coming. He had heard her come a million times. Jess's suction. Julia gasping. "Jess," He said, warning her. But she didn't take the hint. "Jess," He warned her he was near letting go. "Get off, Jess." She kept going. Julia calling out in the room next to his. Jess took him all the way in and he held her head. Jess always chose to pull off too late. He left her go when she pulled back, which spilled him all over the damn place. He grabbed her hand and kept it moving on him. "Jess." He groaned as his hand guided hers. "I wasn't done."

"I'm sorry-"

"I warned you, Jess. I told you to get off. Where's the light?" He felt Jess set the flashlight on the bed, but he got up and turned on the lamp on his dresser. "This light, Jess. This one." He said annoyed. He cleaned himself up and dabbed at the spots on his pant leg.

"Jay, that's really annoying. How do you listen to that?" Jess said, getting off the floor. She watched him lace his boots up.

"Let's get to work." He said, "Follow me."

Having company this early in the morning was similar to having a tooth ache. His mornings were his alone. His time to think and clear his head. She held his hand as they walked the perimeter. "Do you remember how to do this?" He asked, handing her the spear.

"Yes." She answered. She and Jay passed 45 minutes, killing the dead. "There's so many, Jay."

"Jess, they're still here. Everyday."

"I didn't think-"

"That there were this many? There are. They are still here and they are still a threat to everything we have here. You don't see this."

"This is why you keep us so close to the house. So guarded all the time. I almost forgot they exist."

"I do this every morning. I kill them, push them off, then in a couple hours the boys come out and do the rounds again. Every two hours there's people out here."

"All night too?"

"No. Just when we're awake."

"What about during the night?"

"We have to have faith that the fence does its job. There's not much time between last checks and first checks."

Jess held the bag for Jay as he loaded the wood, then he watched her try to pick up the bag for a minute till she gave up and let Jay carry it inside. He handed her a glove and she pulled open the door on the first wood stove. He handed over wood that she placed inside. They went from stove to stove, the fire place in the living room. Lastly they went to the kitchen and he showed Jess how to start the fire for Luz. The final task was the coffee.

"Cool. Now what?"

"Are you spending the whole day with me? Am I training you or something?"

"Jay, you said to find something to do. Find a reason to come out and focus on it. This is my idea."

"Hanging out with me is your big idea."

"Better than taking care of kids all day cause they get on my nerves. And better than cooking all day cause I am a horrible chef."

"Perks of fucking the boss."

"What?"

"Perks of fucking the boss, I said. She took care of you by keeping you inside. You said it, you thought they didn't exist anymore. She gave you a gift, Jess. She protects the people she loves." Jay started laughing. "She loves you more than the rest of us. She doesn't make you work. She doesn't make you do anything, except live."

"Like the kids."

"Cause she thinks you're hers."

"I'm not anymore."

"But if she asked you?"

They were interrupted by footsteps, Julia for her morning coffee. "Morning," She said to them.

"Morning." Jess answered.

Julia poured three cups of coffee, adding extra sugar to Jess's cup. "You're up and dressed early. Going somewhere?"

"I went out this morning with Jayson."

"On checks. Why? You're not supposed to be out there. It's dangerous." Julia said. "Jay, why would you let her do that?"

"Uh-she asked nicely." Jay answered. He looked at Jess, then saw how Jess had shaken up Julia. "She has a way with the dead, Jules." He watched as Julia thought a minute, processing that Jess had been on her fence. On the perimeter. Killing the dead. That was Julia's weakness with Jess, putting her in danger.

"Don't do it again, Jay."

"I didn't do anything wrong. What's the problem?"

"The problem is she hasn't been out there in a long time and-"

"I can do it, Julia. I was alright with Jayson." Jess announced.

Julia handed them their coffee. Jay thought, then said, "She doesn't do anything. Why is that?"

"Everything's already done, Jay. We're all covered. Thanks." Julia answered as she poured Chess his coffee. "Jess, there's plenty to do in here. I can find you something, ok." She walked away from them and head back to the addition.

"There you go, Jess." Jay said, walking to the table with his coffee.

"There I go what?" She asked, following him.

"You found her weakness. You can take advantage of it."

"I don't understand, Jay." She said.

"If you want her back or if you wanna hurt her or if you want revenge. She just handed you everything you need."

"How, Jayson?"

"Jess, Jesus Christ, use your pretty little head and think." Jay whined. "Do I have to explain this to you?"

"You think I am stupid, but I don't understand. God , I am stupid." She said.

"You are not. Jess, you just don't think like we do. You're not a mean person is all."

"I just want to make her cry, Jay. That's all."

"You gotta go to work. Just work. Outside."

"She said no."

"You are going to work with me today. Stick with me." Jay sighed. He picked up his coffee. "When she complains, you must stand up to her. You have to. Can you do that?"

Jess made rounds with Jay all day and afternoon, only stopping to eat. He enjoyed being outside despite the cold. Best part of his work on that farm was he could do it alone. To Jess's surprise he didn't have that much to actually do. He thoroughly enjoyed the horses, leading them out to the clearing and watching them run and walk around. He sat on one of the trees they'd cut down and watched them.

"Ok, now what?"

"Just sit, Jesslyn. That's all."

"I sit all day, Jay. Every day. This is what you do?"

"Yep."

"Do you like ride them or something?"

"No. I let them be horses. I like watching them run around."

"Jay, we're the only two left. Should we get together?" Jess asked.

"No."

"Not like there's a lot of options here for us. Not like we can go down to the Square and hang out or go to school and meet new people."

"There's two guys imported from Delaware right over there."

"No," She laughed. "No. I like the guy that's right here next to me."

"I Like you too. But that's kind of like taking left overs."

"Thanks a lot, Jay. That's so sweet. I wonder why you don't get laid more." Jess said. She got up and walked away. He watched the horses, then watched Jess, then watched the horses.

"Jess, come back!" He called. "I didn't mean it like that, Jess!"

God damn, girls.

"How did you mean it then, Jayson? Left overs? You're the one that said you'd have my back."

"I don't love you, Jess. I mean I am not in love with you like that."

"Ditto, Jay."

"Jess, what do you want from me? Just fucking say it ok. A couple days ago I had to beg you to spread em and today you're at my side and want to hook up? She rubbed off on you. Cause you're not making any sense to me and I need someone who's gonna make sense."

"I'm lonely and bored. I want your company and I want something to do all day. Does that make enough sense to you, Jayson Keller? You told me that story of yours for a reason.  I don't wanna marry you and have your fucking babies, you jerk."

"Jess, come back, sit down and watch the horses."

Jess trudged back to the tree, and she took her seat next to him.

"We are the left overs, Jesslyn. Like it or not. "

"But some leftovers are better the next day."

CHAPTER EIGHT- I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT

Let me preface this with I loved her more than I hated her.

Our life was a mess.

She'd busted my nose into pieces, twice. I was mixing my Percocet's with vodka in a lame attempt to off myself because I couldn't bring myself to go dig up the gun. I was in a really low place, alright.

I wrote letters.

The first to Tatia and Alex. I told them it wouldn't make sense because it didn't make much sense to me at the time either. I just felt that they would need to know that I loved them and how much I would never be able to put into words.

The second to Officer Ripkin. I detailed the events of the night that Caleb Downing was murdered. The truth. The whole truth. From when he'd taken her out of the snow to burning the clothes we wore. Names and dates and details. I told him where to find the books in Julia's house to the murder weapon itself, which I had planned on leaving in the lock box on my bed in my room. I killed Caleb Downing. Not Julia. Not Chess. Not Hayley. I put the knife to his throat. I have to live with that. I bear the responsibility for the decision. All that transpired from that winter night on Green Street in Maverick, I hold the sole responsibility and no one else. I made sure to include my brother in this because he got rid of the truck the night he came back to Maverick to bed my girl.

The third also to Officer Ripkin, detailing the second hand story that Tavin had told me of killing the man in Pittsburgh. His name, the store and the few important details of the storeroom he had killed him in. I wasn't going to kill my brother, but I was taking him down too. His confession to me to help me through whatever he thought I was going through was going to send him directly to a hell I swore I would never live through. Prison.

The fourth to Karen Keller. That's no one's business.

The fifth to Cal, my Aunt and Uncle and to Hay's parents. I apologized for what I had done. I spent my days and nights revolving my life around trying to keep it all together and separate at the same time. Me and her, me and the kids, school, work, and I juggled it all like a circus freak juggles knives. All I thought was one day this could all fall apart, if I dropped just one of those knives I was juggling. Add in a psychotic stalker and it was bound to explode the very thing I was trying to keep together.

Julia kept his books. A constant reminder, but she had her shit to work out like I did. She was raped by him and she dealt with the aftermath like no one else that was there that night could. He didn't violate us like he did to her. Yes, it made her crazy and inconsolable at times. Caleb made me drop the knives I juggled, cutting us all wide open.

I had nothing left. I took the kids to Julia's because somehow her pain was worth more than mine. I was on my way home and then I thought about the gun. I walked closer to that wooded area at the end of the block. I was going to do it. I had finally crossed that line that made it alright to me.

Then I got a text message. A damn text message. Why I looked at the message or even cared at the time is beyond me. Habit, maybe? Habits like answering a phone. I pulled the phone out of my pocket and it was her. Fucking Julia, was she reading my fucking mind? She has a way of being in the right fucking place at the right time. One text message made all the fucking difference in the craziness in my head. The texts, stupid...about the kids. But she was talking to me, not rejecting me or hating me. I turned around and I went home to take the last couple percs and just call it a night. The time wasn't right anymore.

When I got to my grandmom's house, she was having a little trouble breathing, but what else was new? The woman was never really healthy and she smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. I went in the house and said hi to her. She was sitting at the kitchen table like always with those circle a word books. She was real quiet, it was weird for her. She was usually real bitchy and grumpy. I did the usual things, turned on the TV and the fan in the living room, picked up some toys and put them away. She asked where the kids were. So I told her with Julia. It wasn't till I went to get a drink and take my Percocet's that I saw what she was doing at the table. I thought she had been doing puzzles, but she wasn't. She was reading those letters. All five letters I wrote. To mom, the kids, to the parents, the ones to Officer Ripkin. They were on the table. The truth was out.

My grandmother was never one to not say anything. She was just sitting there. Like in shock maybe. I waited by the counter with my Percocet bottle in my hand and my drink in the other. Just waiting. I mean what do you say to the person who had just confessed to his and his friends and his brothers sins in 5 small letters? She looked kinda scared. I have no idea why. I would not have hurt her. I wasn't going to kill her too. God, she wasn't part of the plan. She had created just about half the people involved in what she'd read and maybe she was feeling some responsibility for that? I don't know.

I put my letters back in the envelopes and put them in my back pocket. The whole time neither one of us was saying anything. I had been caught. I was just waiting for her to decide my fate. I accepted that. It had been up to her because, like I said, I wasn't going to kill her too. I'm not a killer, but I am a killer.

She got up and just walked away from the table. She went upstairs and closed herself in her room. Left me standing there waiting. I turned around to the sink, opened the bottle of Percocet to take the last two I had when I heard this noise upstairs. It was a weird noise, so I went to check on her. I didn't get an answer and I just broke in the door. Like what the hell had she done in there? I found her knocked out on the floor. There she was and I had a fucking choice to make. I hate the split second choices between right and fucking wrong. I chose to call 911 and thought of my fate every time I pushed on her chest. I don't know what I expected, her to wake right up? The paramedics to wake her right up? That she'd bounce right back and start talking like on television when they revived someone. It didn't happen that way, though and she wound up in the hospital, then the nursing home. She took the secrets to the grave with her.

The details of this night, I never talked about to anyone. Who could I explain it to? No one knew about my letters I wrote. No one knew about the thoughts I had. The one person who could really do me in was a vegetable and then she died.

No, I didn't get lucky. I didn't see it that way. Julia eventually brought the kids home and found the place all messed up. She tried getting hold of me when she got there, but not before that. I didn't tell her or the kids about my grandmother. Why ruin their time together? Plus we still didn't know what was really going on with the woman. Live, die, transfer. Take her off the machines. It was all so up in the air. So I get home and there she was with the kids and the house was clean and the kids were sleeping. For a split second, it was as if nothing had ever happened. I liked the way it felt. Us. Feelings, it was like I was sober for the first time in a long time and it was like I was happy for the first time in a long time. Cause she was there and not because of any other reason.

I should have left her go home. She wanted to leave a couple times and I told her to even call her dad once. Just have him swing by when he closed and grab her, take her back home and we could get started with this new us. The us that didn't sleep beside each other or hold hands. She didn't want to leave though. For all that anger she had like a month before and all that shit we said to each other and all those hard feelings, she did not want to leave. I am not strong like my cousin. When Chess and Hayley split, they split for good. He never looked at that again the same way, but I couldn't do that with her. We couldn't do that for whatever reason.

CHAPTER SEVEN- WOOD

"How may I serve you today, Chess?" Julia joked, crawling into their bed, kissing him good morning.

"Mrs. Morgan, I have an idea." He grinned,  pulling the sheets off to allow her to slither beneath them. She sat atop him, settling down on him, slowly taking him inside of her. "When he said service you took him seriously, didn't you?" He said moving his hips, rocking her above him.

"It is my lot in life." She giggled.

"I like this service idea. If I had only known, I would have forced your hand a long time ago."

"Hmmm, it's such a turn on servicing my husband."

"You doing all the work this morning?"

"Oh, yes, you just lay there. I got this."

Jay yawned as he started the morning coffee for Luz. He then placed the wood on the hearth for her, then added more wood to the wood stove in the dining room, then moved onto the fireplace in the living room, then climbed the steps to the second floor and added more wood in that wood stove. He spent the first waking moments starting fires and listening to people either snore or fuck around him. If you got morning wood, it was more than unpleasant.

He knocked on the door, then entered the room with Jess and the girls. The sun hadn't even come up yet. The girls slept. He shook Jess awake. "Hey. Hey. Jesslyn." She was a beast in the morning. The misery oozed off her ever since that damn wedding. Jay hated to do it. "Jess, I can't take it anymore. Can I please get in with you? Please."

"Jay, god, do I look like a hooker."

"There's no one else. Please. You help me out. I help you out. I got blue balls for Christ sake."

Fucking Jesslyn was like fucking dry wall, but pussy was pussy. It beat jerking off listening to his ex fuck his cousin. Sitting on the edge of his bed, dick in hand, jerking it to the girl he used to love calling someone else's name was just too humiliating even for him. Jess only spread her legs enough for him to get inside. No kissing, no tits, nothing extra. She barely even moved for him. At the most she might squeeze her muscles so he could come faster. Jay didn't bother undressing. He pulled out, put it in and got off. That was the long and short of it.

"That was just amazing, Jay."

"You could move. You used to."

"Did you light the stove?"  She sighed, covering back up with the blankets.

"Yeah, it'll warm up in here soon."

"K. You start the coffee?"

"Yes." He paused. "Can we do it again?"

"Get out, Jay."

Jay got out as requested and went to the room next door to wake Alex and Frankie. These two boys slept like rocks and were difficult to wake up, especially in the winter. He poked his head in and there they were. Again. He'd told them. He'd warned them. He'd begged them. He slapped Alex in the head. Then his partner in crime, Frankie. "They better have fucking clothes on."

"We're dressed, Jay." Alex whispered.

"Fuck. Get them outta here before anyone wakes up." Jay urged them.

"Jay, we will." Frankie answered.

"Did you get laid?" He asked them.

"No." Frankie said.

 Alex grinned. "She put it in her mouth."

"Get them out and get up. We got work to do."

Jay hated to do it, but he had to tell Julia again. He'd covered their asses already a couple times and even though they were honest with him, the fools ran the risk of going too far. They'd already gone too far.

He knocked on Julia's door. "You up yet?" He asked even though he knew she already was.

"Yeah. Hold on." Julia called. He heard her feet on the floor, heard her drawer open. Like he hadn't spent years staring at her nude body, but Mrs. Morgan had standards all of a sudden. "What's up? Is Hannah awake?"

"Not yet." He shook his head. "They're back."

"The girls are in their room? I talked to their mom. Tavin talked to her in her native tongue. Is she fucking retarded, Jayson?"

"Alex got a blow job from twin one." Jay complained. "They're getting more pussy than I am."

"What do you want me to do?"

"They're going to do it anyway." Chess called.

"It's your call, Jules." Jay said, turning to go get some coffee. "Let me know."

"Wait, Jayson." Julia called after him. She pursued him to the kitchen. He poured her a cup of coffee. "Why is this my call? Jay, I don't know what to do." She asked, taking the cup off him.

"Your dad knew we were screwing around is all I'm saying."

"We were older. We made informed decisions."

"Julia," He laughed, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "Our informed decision was Chess giving us condoms." He paused. "We were two seconds from doing it in a basement full of people."

"No, we-"

"Julia, we did everything but that on the love seat in Chess's basement."

"This is different."

"How? Cause it's not us, it's them?"

"We do nothing? Jayson, is that your big plan?"

"Your dad did nothing. The only person that did anything for us was Chess."

"It's going to happen. Whether you like it or not." Chess told them, coming in the kitchen. "All we can do is tell them."

"I think so, too. Nothing is happening that those twins don't want to happen and they don't seem to mind."

"This is going to lead to a twin orgy." Julia said, shaking her head.

"Lucky them." Jay muttered, sipping his coffee. "Know what we need in this fucking house?"

Julia poured a cup of coffee for Chess who stood beside her. Chess swept her hair aside and kissed her neck. "What's that, Jay?"

"Fresh pussy. New pussy. Hell, any pussy over the age of 16 and under the age of 25."

"What's wrong with the old pussy?" Julia asked, handing the cup to Chess.

"Seriously? Did you seriously just ask me that question. Tell me what's wrong with the old pussy in this house, Jules." He demanded. "Half the old pussy is married. The other old pussy is still depressed as hell that the old married pussy won't suck her pussy any more. So what old pussy would you be talking about?"

"The depressed pussy still needs to be licked, Jay."

"Julia, let me know what we're doing with the boys."

She and Chess watched Jay walk out the back door.

"Chess? What do I do?"

"Nothing. They're your boys not your girls."

"Is this really what it comes to? The old way of thinking? That boys will be boys. What about our girls though? If that was Tatia I'd be all over her to keep her away from boys like that."

"Julia, you are that girl. No offense, and I love you. But you and Hayley were those girls."

"Oh my God, Chess." Chess quietly drank his coffee while he let that sink into her brain, realize that the shoe was on the other foot. "They don't have the decency to even sneak around. They just put it in our faces like that?"

"We're all hypocrites."

"Chess, I-"

"Listen, we hid nothing from our parents. They knew what was going on. No one talked about it. We lived the same way we live now, no rules just our rules. We loved people, we had some sick times and we had a lot of fun. We made our choices and those choices brought us here today, me and you." He said. He put his arms around her waist and kissed her on the spot on her neck that he loved to kiss. "We've known each other a long time, Julia. Every experience we had brought us one step closer to here. Why do you think this worked? Because we spent our time making our own rules. We formed this group before the before the first night." Chess spoke without thinking and without the guard he had up half the time. "We're going to be together a long time. Some dead, some alive. We didn't start the group knowing every little detail of each other, doing everything and anything possible for each other. Its gotta start somewhere. Some of us started out in bed, Julia. Remember that. We're only as strong as our connections to people. Those connections make us willing to protect each other and willing to die for each other." Chess left her go and started walking away to get dressed for the day.

"They watched us outside." She said, following him to their room.

"They didn't just watch us outside, one night. Julia, think about it. They been watching us and listening to us for years. It's not just from our sex one night last summer." He told her as he pulled jeans on over his shorts, then a tee over his head. "Julia, don't you think it's strange how they saw that, then asked us to bring them their own girls, and then your brother shows up all of a sudden with the very fucking chicks they asked for? That's like the universe is listening shit."

"The universe, Chess. The fucking universe is listening."

"It's all just random, then."

"Chess, this is why I love your skinny butt so much." She said, happily. "Chess, you have a way of explaining things to me."

"What are you going to do, then?"

"You gave me the answer. You don't know?"

"No, so tell me."

"We bring them in the room, Chess."

He stared at her, because there was no room, bringing people in the room was a thing of the past. "Not literally."

"No, Chess, not literally." She kissed his cheek.

Julia bundled up and went outside. She'd heard the rifle shot an hour prior and knew Jay had bagged a deer. He and Tavin were in the barn, cleaning and gutting the buck. After all the time that had passed, all the killing and the disposing of the infected they'd done, the slaughtering of an animal turned her stomach. An innocent animal.

She took a seat across from them and their kill and watched as they cleaned him, the blood dripping from its cut throat. "Which one of you cut its throat?" Julia asked.

They kept working, "Are you ready to do this yet?"

"No, I can't bring myself to do that."

"What's up, Red? What's with the visit?"

"I figured out what to, with the boys. Thought I would run it past their brothers."

"Ok, so what's the plan?"

"There is no plan." Julia replied.

"We do nothing is your big plan."

"That's not true. We do the opposite of nothing. We bring them in the room. No more sneaking, no more talks, no more bullshit. We bring them in the room and let them do whatever they like."

"The room? Like the room, the room?" Tavin asked baffled.

"Not the room. The door's locked on the room." She said, looking at her ring. She slipped it on and off her finger, then spun it around above her top knuckle. "Tavin, when can we fix the girls?"

"I can read the instructions and find out for you."

"Do that and then go tell their mother. If she won't deal with them, then we will. Responsibility is the key here. Not running interference."

"You're giving them pussy."

"And I am giving the girls wood. Equal opportunity here. It's equal opportunity."

Julia and Chess sat at the table with Alex and Frankie. Each had a boy and each taught the boy how to play poker. The boys were having fun, picking up on a good hand and working on their poker faces. Tavin arrived to the table next, bringing the twins with him. The girls sat by quietly talking between themselves. Julia handed the cards over to Alex and slipped out with Tavin.

"How'd it go?" She asked.

"Twin one down."

"And twin two?"

"She's not ready yet."

"Ok, can I show you something? I think it's intact, but it's kinda gross."

"You know I like gross, Julia."

She walked him to her room and opened her drawer, she removed an old pink bandana and unfolded it in front of him. "Is that-"

"That is." She said, picking it up between her two fingers and holding it up for him. "Intact, you think?" She tried handing it to him.

"Eww, I don't want it."

"Yeah, sorry. It's kinda gross."

"Did you pull this out, Julia?"

"It plopped right out." Julia said. "Is it intact? All in one piece?"

"Looks like it, Red. Throw it out."

Julia wrapped it back in the bandana and tossed it in the fire place in the living room. "Come with me. I'll get another and-"

"No, Tavin. I have to talk with Chess first."

"No you don't."

"I want to talk with Chess first. I'll let you know."

"Can I suggest that before you go to bed with him again you talk about it? He needs to know before-"

"I will."

"Now, please."

Julia handed Frankie the cards from Chess's hand and asked him to walk her to the still. She plucked a bottle from the shelf and sat on the crate with Chess. She started drinking and passed the bottle to Chess.

"My birth control fell out."

"Fell out? We'll put it back in."

"I think we spent the day trying to keep the girls from getting pregnant. I would like to put it back in, yes."

"Then why you asking me?"

"Cause you were the one talking about that universe stuff this morning. You don't think it's strange it fell out today? On the day that we take care of the twins?"

"So you think this is some kind of fate? The universe is telling us to create for it?"

"Are we in control or is something else completely in control?"

"I don't want kids, Julia. There's enough kids."

"Ok."

"I know you want kids, but if you want me to make a decision right here on the spot. No."

Julia and Chess waited for Tavin to return to their room. He set himself down on a stool and Chess closed the door. "You know the drill, Red."

"Yeah, I do." She nodded, standing in beside the dresser in her robe. She sat on the bed at the end and lay back while Chess stood uncomfortable by the door.

"Only takes a few minutes." He advised her. He handed Chess the flash light and pointed to Julia lying on the bed. "Chess, you alright there?"

"Yep." He answered, flicking on the flash light.

"Scoot down some more and lift your butt up." He instructed as he smoothed out the paper material beneath her buttocks. "It'll feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry."

"I know, Tavin. Can you see well enough?"

"Yes." He answered. "You are going to have to open your legs more, though. Wider." Julia felt slightly uncomfortable, but listened and did as he asked. "It'll be over in no time."

"How long's it take?" Chess asked, watching closely as Tavin inserted the speculum.

"A few minutes, Chess." He answered. "Ok, Red. Relax."

"I am. Just do it already. I had this done before."

Tavin worked, taking his time and described each step as he went along. The measuring, the insertion. "And we are done. That's it."

He said. He removed the speculum and set it aside, the trash he bagged up and Chess turned off the flash light. "You're good to go. You did great, Red."

"Yep, thanks." Julia replied, closing her legs and covering up. She scooted up the bed.

"We're gonna need to make another run with the GYN offices. That was the last one."

"What? The last one? I thought there were more."

"Nope. We used them-Jess was first, Kelly, then Carolina and you. That's four."

"But- wait.  What about Val? Tavin, I thought we had more."

"There's still time. She hasn't started her period yet."

"What if we can't find anymore, Tavin?"

"We'll deal with it, Julia."

"You're right. I plan on going through the medical stuff, doing the inventory over anyway. I'll make a list of things we can pick up besides that."

"Ok, thanks. That's a good idea. Let me know and we can go when you're done with inventory."

Julia watched as Tavin left and Chess closed the door so she could redress in pajamas. "Are you mad at me?" He asked. She looked over at him, removing her robe.

"I'm not. Why would I be?"

"Cause I brought you in here and had him do that to you."

"Chess, you didn't bring me in here and have him doing anything I didn't agree with. I am not mad at you."

"Just please don't be mad at me."

"Chess, I'm not. I swear it. It can be undone. It's not permanent."

"You have a point."

"Hey, this gives us more 'us' time. Like you said, there's enough kids here."

"Four of em' sitting at the table out there." He said.

"Our future..."

The twins had moved seats and were sitting with the boys, closer and more comfortable. Julia swiped her bottle of Chess's hooch off the block in the kitchen and sat on Chess's lap in an empty seat. Jay carried wood in from the outside, placing a couple logs in the wood stove by the table, then the fireplace in the living room. He trudged upstairs and placed more in the wood stove on the second floor. He poked his head in Jess's room. The girls slept tucked in warm in their beds and Jess was reading.

"Get up, Jess. Quit being so miserable and come downstairs."

"No."

"You gonna sit up here and pout for the rest of your life?"

"Maybe."

"What will make you happy, Jess?"

"Nothing."

"You're gonna have to face it eventually. This isn't helping you."

"There's nothing here for me anymore. You either. So why are we staying?"

"Reasons one and two are right over here." He pointed to the girls laying across the room from her. Jay went in Jess's room and stood over Hannah and Tatia. He peeked at Tarin who slept in the corner opposite Tatia. "I don't understand why you're mad at me. I didn't do anything to you."

"Why do you give her all the time she needs to get her head together, but you can't give me the same?"

"It is your first time. I forgot that."

"First time for what, Jay?"

"The first time you got hurt. It takes a while to bounce back. I forgot." He paused.

"I didn't do anything wrong. I was just standing there and it all just happened to me."

"I Know. That's how it works sometimes. You go through life and you think everything is going great and then you get hurt. It happens."

"Tell me about it, Jayson. What happened?"

"You know what happened, Jess. It's no secret."

"Ok, then It's no secret. Can you tell me then how after she did what she did and you did what you did and your own brother did what he did, then how can you look at them and live with them? How do you deal with it?"

"Oh, you're going way back in time aren't you?"

"How did you do it, Jay?"

"I just did it. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other. I loved them more than I loved myself. I fucked up too. I felt like I had to make things right with them."

"I didn't do anything wrong, though, Jayson. I lost both of them. Was I just stupid?"

"No, all you did was fall in love. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a chance you take. And if you didn't do anything wrong, then why hate yourself? Hold your pretty head up."

"That's what you did? Held your head up?"

"Not quite. I was only thinking with one head and I was a dumb ass and dove back in there. Didn't think there was anyone else that would want me or wanna get to know me like she did."

"Well that was just so wrong. Everyone loved you so much at school. You could have had any one of them. They were always throwing it at you."

"Jess, this isn't helping you at all. The past is the past. Leave it there. Get your ass outta bed and get living again. Gotta find that one thing that gets you out of bed, focus on it."

"Jay, I got nothing here. I have no interests, there's nothing to fuckin' do except stare at the four walls. I room in with babies."

"Jesslyn, I am going to tell you something you cannot tell anyone." He said, kicking the door shut behind him. "I had it all planned out."