CHAPTER FOUR-DISCORD

Julia was in the field when the call came down that Hayley was in labor. Julia didn't budge from her work, rather she continued with the pruning and the trellising as she had been all afternoon. She chose not to get too excited over the call. If her labor was anything like Kelly's they had plenty of time before a head started crowning. Tavin had Jay got the supplies together and carried them to the bedroom. Tavin retrieved her chart and had Kelly get Hayley settled. She stood in her field surrounded by green growth and looked toward the house, to the bedroom window where she saw activity. The kids were gathered around Julia excited about the new baby that was about to be pushed into the world. They gathered around the plants and vines and argued over whether they'd have a new brother or sister until Julia finally released them from the field, too excited to continue one more minute. Tatia stayed with Julia, sensing her mood.

"I stay with you." She said, big brown Keller eyes staring up at her.

"Thanks, baby girl." Julia smiled. She and Tatia continued to stake and then trellis the row they worked on. "I sleep with you again?"

"Tonight? If you want, Tati, but you got your own bed."

"I give it to baby."

"Well, that's very nice of you, but the baby has a bed already. Remember baby has to be with mommy when they're new."

"So mommy can feed the baby."

"Yes."

"You feed me with your boobie when I was a baby?"

"No, I didn't. You drank a bottle."

"Why?"

"Because this mommy didn't have any milk in the boobies." Julia answered.

When Luz called everyone to the table, Tatia helped Julia carry their supplies back to the shed. "Go wash up for our meal, Tati."

"Ok."

While Julia set the supplies back in the shed, she looked at the pot farm that stretched behind the shed. Chess came to get her. "When is that ready?" Julia asked pointing to the plants.

"I got some if you want."

"I do want, Chess." She smiled.

"Later." He said. "Tavin wants you."

"No thanks, Chess. I can't participate in this."

"He said that-"

"I said no." Julia said firmly, cutting him off. "I thought time would help, but it hasn't."

"I'll let him know."

Julia rounded up the kids and had them served, doing Kelly's job with baby Tarin on her hip. She wasn't quite used to hauling a six month old around on her hip, but it was better than the floor as he was starting to crawl a bit. She set the baby in his high chair and snapped the tray over top of him. He banged on the tray with little fists.

"What's on his menu today, Luz?"

"Mashed carrots." She answered, handing off the bowl to Julia. "Are you sure you should be here instead of there?"

"I'm very sure." Julia answered, spooning a bit of the carrots to Tarin's little lips. His kissable little lips. He looked so much like Tavin it was unreal. He couldn't deny the baby if he tried.

"Tavin cannot do this alone. And I think Hayley would like you there."

Julia continued to feed Tarin as Luz served the rest of the dishes. What was left of their small group arrived to the table. In the midst of the meal, Jayson came downstairs and physically moved her up stairs. "There's problems." He said, as the color had drained from his face. He looked scared and confused. Julia saw the blood and cleared the room. Jay stayed.

Tavin started the IV and sent Jay for the morphine from Tom.

"Tavin, she's bleeding bad."

"She's hemorrhaging." Tavin whispered. "You know what that means? We discussed this. Do you agree with me?"

"There's nothing we can-"

Jayson returned with the morphine and handed over the vials like Tavin requested. He spiked the bottles, drawing up the morphine on hand. Julia pulled Jay aside and explained what was happening. Hayley had lost a lot of blood. The baby was at risk. She slipped from semi-conscious to unconscious as he injected the narcotic through the port into her vein.

"Jay, do you want to leave?"

"No," He answered. As the scalpel came out, he changed his mind, appearing rather faint. "Yes."

"Julia." Tavin called. "She's not breathing."

Julia left Jay's side, standing over Hayley and feeling for a carotid pulse, which was absent. "Cut her, Tavin." Julia urged. "She's gone, cut her."

Tavin's trembling hand steadied and the scalpel sliced open Hayley's abdomen. He wasn't quite sure exactly what he was doing at this point, but his goal was to get to the baby. With gloved hands he reached inside her incision and rooted around till he felt the sac in which encased the newest group member.

"Hold her open." He said.

Julia's gloved hands held apart the abdomen and Tavin's steady hand sliced into the sac. Fluid gushed out of her and he reached in with unsteady hands to remove the baby. Head first she emerged from the abdomen, a bit limp and hopefully alive. He handed the baby to Julia and she carried the newborn baby girl from the lifeless body on the bed. She had her supplies set up on the table and she lay her down, noticing above all characteristics that baby girl Keller had the big brown eyes that transferred from family member to family member. She aroused the infant girl and suctioned her nose and mouth vigorously. A weak cry squawked in the room, gradually growing stronger to a wailing cry. It was as if the baby sensed her mother was departed.

"She's alright. She's strong." Julia called. "A baby girl." Julia informed them as she scrubbed the baby down with warm water then wiped her off dry with a towel. She stuck a hat on the girl's head and swaddled her in a blanket. Julia brought Jayson and the newborn out of the room and left Tavin with his patient. She took the baby across the hall, passed the kids' room and to Tavin and Kelly's room. Baby Tarin had already gone to sleep, and Kelly was waiting for news in her chair, sketching in her notebook.

"Hey, what's going on?" Kelly asked looking quite distressed due to the lack of labor in what used to be Jess and Chess's room.

Julia sat on the bed next to Kelly and handed her the infant. "Feed her." Julia said.

"Feed her? Feed her what, Julia?"

"Your milk." Julia answered.

Julia looked at an overwhelmed Jayson who had run the full gamut of emotions in just a few short hours. "Stay here with Kelly, Jayson." Julia instructed him.

"Julia, is she alright."

"The baby is. Stay with your daughter."

She slipped back inside the room with Tavin who appeared quite distressed at the loss of his friend and patient. Julia stood by his side as he hung his head and cried. "Not your fault, Tavin." She comforted him, patting his back.

"If I had help..." He said, looking at her.

"I couldn't have stopped that any more than you could have." She pointed out. "This isn't a hospital."

"I know, but-" Tavin stammered. "What happened though?"

"I can't explain that."

Julia went to the bedside and started pulling the sheets off at the four corners of the bed. One less woman, one less life, one less mother. The body lay uncovered and awash in blood and fluids. Her color was pale and a blue hue tinted her lips. She pulled the sheet across the bed and covered Hayley, then pulled the sheets from the opposite side over the bed over her body, leaving only her face exposed. She stood at the head of the bed, thinking that someone would have to deal with her before the turn occurred. Another grave would have to be dug and another service would have to be held. Julia reached for her waist, no holster. She'd left her pistol in her room when she had come in for dinner. She went to Tavin, pulled his knife from his waist. One last procedure, Julia thought as she stood over her friend. She steadied the weapon above her head and with one quick and purposeful motion Julia gave her an official time of death.

Tavin and Kelly's bedroom became crowded for some time following the birth of the newest Keller baby. Everyone had come upstairs to visit mom and baby only to learn there was no mom and found Kelly breast feeding the infant. They all had learned of the complications and the sadness overtook the joyous celebration of new life. The children were all confused, leaving it to Kelly to deal with questions for which she had no answers. While the group gathered in Tavin's room, Julia and Tavin broke down the room around Hayley. They gathered together all her belongings, packing them in the boxes she'd just unpacked. They cleaned up their mess that had been made and then they left the rest for morning. First thing, they'd need to dig the grave and then bury the new mother beside Kevin.

"We should have a meeting." Tavin said as he pulled the door shut to the room. They stood by the closed door and looked into Tavin's room across the hall.

"I think that it started without us." Julia whispered, watching the group as they waited in the room. Children and adults alike.

It didn't take long to confirm what everyone was chatting about. The hum of the voices silenced as Tavin and Julia entered the room. The looks on their faces said it all. There had been complications. There was no way she could have been saved even though they wanted to. Hemorrhage. Blood loss. Their goal had been to save the baby. Services for Hayley would be in the morning.

Julia gathered up the children and accompanied them to their room. She waited with them as they climbed into their beds and hushed them to avoid waking up baby Tarin in his play pen. The children were sad, but Julia doubted they'd be able to completely process all that was said. The older children were upset and they had no questions and were not satisfied with the answers.

"I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry. We'll get through this one day at a time."

"Julia, I want to help dig in the morning." Alex said, tears in his eyes.

"That's fine. If that's what you want."

"Me too." Frankie added.

"We'll wake you when we head out." Julia said. "Good night."

Julia went back to the room and gave the baby one last assessment before she turned in for the night. Tavin stood by her side and wrote in the baby's notebook chart, which sat beside Hayley's notebook chart. The baby's belongings had been brought in the room with the bassinette. Kelly looked forlorn at the prospect of starting all over again with an infant.

"Kelly, tonight's gonna be a long one." Julia said, handing the baby to Jay who sat in the chair by the window. "We'll talk in the morning, ok?"

"Ok, I don't mind." She answered.

"Mama, go to bed now?" Tatia's little voice called from the doorway. She stood sleepy with her blankie.

"Yeah. Come here, baby girl." Julia said, holding her arms out toward the girl.

"She sleeps with you now?" Jay asked, cradling his daughter to his chest.

"What's her name, Jay?" Julia asked, ignoring his question.

"Caroline." He answered. "Or Hannah."

"Hannah." Tatia said, looking at the baby.

"Her name's Hannah." Jay smiled, looking at his daughter. "Hannah Keller."

Despite the life that Julia held close to her and the life that Jay held close to him, Julia had never felt so empty. She thought of Jayla a moment.

"Good night." Julia sighed, leaving the room with Tatia.

"She's pissed." Jay said, looking at his brother.

"No, she's not, Jay." Kelly told him, taking baby Hannah from his chest. She laid her in the bassinette. "She's thinking about Jayla."

"We lost Jayla." Jayson reminded her.

"Well, she still feels it, then Jay." Kelly said. "Are you staying with us tonight?"

"I want to."

"Ok, can you leave awhile?" Kelly asked, looking at Tavin, then back to Jay.

"Yeah, go talk with Red." Tavin agreed, placing his hand on Kelly's ass, then raising it to the small of her back.

"She doesn't want to talk to me."

"Try." Tavin urged.

Jay rose from the chair, taking a glance at Hannah. "Should I take her with me?"

"No," Kelly answered. "Just go. She'll be back up soon."

Jay pulled the door shut behind him and descended the stairs, turning left into the addition. Julia's door was open and she lay with Tatia, snuggled up next to her as she slept. Julia played with her hair and twirled it with her fingers.

"Julia, please talk to me."

Julia had no idea what to say to him. She hadn't spoken anything to him other than group related information in months. There were no personal interactions with him in the least.

"I know I fucked up, Julia. I accept that."

"If you need someone to talk to, Jess and Chess are over there."

"I want to talk to you, Julia, not Chess or Jess."

"I forgive you, Jayson."

"I know you're thinking about Jayla. We lost Jayla, Julia. Not just you."

"It's not all about Jayla, Jayson. It's not about you and me cheating on each other with Tavin and Hayley."

"Then what is it about, Julia?"

"We were supposed to have babies together, Jay. Me and you. It's simple. I wanted to be the one who had your babies. We make them, we lose them, we keep them. Whatever... It's me being a selfish, delusional fucking bitch." Julia explained. "So what do you want? You come down here and you want me to take care of you and make you feel all better?"

"Yes, no, I-"

"Who makes me feel better? Julia runs around comforting and consoling and making everything ok. But who does that for me? Who explains this to me? Who takes care of me?" She kissed Tatia's head, refusing to look at Jay. "But you want a shoulder to cry on. You want me to sit here with you after all this time and talk about this cluster fuck of events and make you feel all better?"

Jay welcomed himself inside and sat on the floor by her bed. He bent his legs up and folded his arms over his knees, laying his head down. He stayed crying. "You don't have to say anything."

He waited in the room for Julia to say something because she usually had so much to say, but all she did was fall asleep with Tatia. When he heard the baby start crying upstairs, he stood up. He covered Julia and his sister with a throw blanket and head upstairs to Hannah.

"This isn't what I wanted, Kelly." Jay told her as he watched the baby feed from her breast.

"Give her time, Jayson. You know her brain's different."

Kelly handed the baby over to him, placing Hannah in his arms after she detached her from her breast. "Jay, give her back when she's hungry." She laid back down beside Tavin and settled into her spot against his chest. Jay stood in the room in semi-darkness, holding Hannah against his chest, swaying her back and forth a bit as he paced the floor beside Tavin and Kelly's bed.

"Jay, get some sleep." Tavin called. "You can't pace all night."

"Yeah, ok. Sorry, brother." He whispered. Jay sat in the chair by the window. He kicked his shoes off and made himself comfortable, propping his feet on the end of the bed.

Jay awoke in the morning, the sun shining on his face. The baby was no longer on his chest and Tavin watched as Kelly fed the baby. He hadn't heard her cry, hadn't felt her move away from him. He had been knocked out to the point he slept through what woke everyone else up. Tavin held Tarin, bouncing him on his lap, making baby noises at his drooling son who chewed on his balled up fist.

"We're running a day care here." Tavin said, smiling at Tarin. "Man, you sleep like a rock."

"She eats a lot." Kelly told him, switching Hannah from one breast to the other, a pillow beneath her arms. She looked tired, too.

"You got enough in there for two babies, Kelly?"

"My body will make it on demand I think." She answered.

"Jay, look, she's going to start expressing her milk and we'll bottle feed little Hannah here."

"Ok, I am fine with that."

"I'm sorry about Hayley, Jay and I know this puts you in a spot."

"I'll be ok. I've done this before." Jay yawned. "She's my responsibility."

"Jayson, I'll help you. We all will." Kelly assured him, glaring at Tavin.

"Kell's not her mom is all I'm saying and she can't be up all night with the baby."

"Tavin Keller," Kelly scolded him. "I'll do what I have to do. She doesn't have a mom." Kelly said, eyes tearing as she watched Hannah drink from her. "I'm happy to help, Jayson. Really, I love you and this pretty little girl here."

"I understand, Tavin."

"I don't wanna go through that newborn phase again."

"You don't have to. I know how to do this." Jay said. "This isn't how it was supposed to be."

"You know what, Jay. Quit being such a downer. Your baby is alive. You came out of this with a win."

"Wow, Kelly, really. Think Hayley would say the same thing?" Tavin asked a little surprised.

"Yeah I do. Any mom would give her life for her kid. So yeah, Tavin. Hayley would be happy that Hannah is alive and healthy."

"You know what? You're right, Kelly. Thanks." He said as he took the baby from her. He gave Kelly a kiss on the cheek and carried Hannah downstairs.

"Julia," Jayson called, waking her up. "Hey, Jules."

"What?" She asked, coming to life. "Is she ok?"

"Yeah. She's fine." He answered.

Julia climbed over Tatia careful not to wake her up. She wasn't ready to deal with her just yet. She'd been awful clingy lately and she preferred to hold off on the constant questions and searching for answers that would satisfy a three-and-a-half-year-old girl. She head outside to the morning heat and the sun that had just started its rise into the clouds. Jay followed after her as she walked toward the outhouse. She climbed in and closed the door behind her. Jay talked through the door.

"I been thinking a lot about Jayla, Jules. The last 24 hours, she's been on my mind a lot."

"I know. Me too." She called. "Can't help it, I suppose."

When Julia stepped outside, she caught a glimpse of the baby in the sunlight. Something about the way the sun caught a wisp of Hannah's hair, shining on her like that. Her little eyes opened, then closed, a little smile appeared on her face.

"Julia, there's nothing more in the world that I would have wanted than for her to have lived. If you wanted to try again we could have."

"It wasn't the right time, Jay."

"It's not your fault."

"I know that."

"I know you'd give your life to have had her live."

Julia looked at him. "Where's this coming from, Jay?"

"What you said last night about having our kids. You did. You had her. She was in you. You got to carry her around with you. I never got that. You got to see her. I never got that. Julia, what I'm trying to say is, you are a mother. You were dealt a shit hand is all."

Julia started crying. She didn't want to, but she did.

"I'm sorry you think you failed at being a mom, but you are still a mother."

"Stop, Jay."

"Mama," they heard in the distance.

"Well, Tatia's up." Julia sighed, wiping her tears with her hands.

They walked together back to the entrance, to her room looking for Tatia, but she slept still on the bed.

"Jayson, you heard her too, right?"

"I heard someone. You said it was her."

Julia sat on the end of her bed, letting the rest of her tears fall.

"Come here, Julia." He said, tugging her shirt. Julia rose from the bed and let Jay put his arm around her.

"You heard her, too, Jayson."

"I heard her, Jules. I heard her."

Tavin descended the stairs first. "You guys alright?" He asked, watching the two of them in the hall by Julia's door. Neither answered. "Julia, when you're done. Kelly's got stuff to talk about and we need to get out with the shovels. Jay, I don't know what-"

"I'll take her, Jayson. You two go. Eat and get outside to the clearing." Julia said, taking Hannah from Jay's arms. "I'll get things moving in here and I'll be out soon."

Jay and Tavin went to the kitchen where Luz was preparing their breakfast. They ate oatmeal quickly, standing at the hearth and left with cups of coffee.

"How'd you pull that off?"

"Something Kelly said about moms is all. Got me thinking."

"She fell for it?"

"I wasn't trying to get her to fall for anything."

"Maybe she'll loosen up, let you in?"

"It's not up to me." He said.

They grabbed shovels from the barn and head out through the field to the clearing. Both started digging and were shortly followed by Alex and Frankie with Chess.

"Hard work. You two got it in you?" Tavin asked, watching them jab at the earth with their shovels.

"Keep digging you'll have bodies like Uncle Chess over there."

"Not funny." Chess yelled as he rolled a joint. He fired up and passed the joint of his special home grown pot while they watched the boys dig the grave.

"Can we smoke too, Uncle Chess?"

"Boy, how old are you?" Tavin asked.

"Old enough." The boys answered together.

"Tell you what. You go ask Julia and if she says ok, then yeah." Chess said. The three watched as Alex and Frankie bolted toward the house. "Fools, gonna get their asses kicked." Chess laughed.

"Your boy here made up with Julia." Tavin announced.

"Jess has been a straight bitch since she cut her off. Thanks to you no one's getting off anymore. Jess don't wanna give it up. She shut off when Julia did. I gotta beg for it."

They'd been discussing Julia's lack of a fun side since she turned into a nun. Chess called her monk, locking herself up in solitary confinement of her room every night. The only person she laid down with was Tatia who had turned into a clingy child. At first she used Tatia as an excuse to reject every hard dick in the house, then she finally just came out with the truth. She wasn't interested in anyone anymore. She closed up shop and closed them off, being a leader and a farmer only. She dried out in more ways than one, choosing not to drink anymore of Chess's hooch. She did smoke her weed, but alone outside after Tatia fell asleep. She threw herself into the farm, working with Tom and occasionally Bob before any of the others. She felt safe with Tom and Bob at first because she wouldn't sleep with them and there was no risk there. She wanted to get over that initial hump, but Tom was more than a cock blocker. In fact he was like a sponsor, helping her figure out why she'd been such a whoring lush. She got no closer to figuring out any answers other than it felt good.

Julia showed up late to the game with the shovels and the boys. The boys were quiet and began digging along side Julia and neither child asked again about getting stoned.

"Go get her, please." Julia called as she sat with her fellow grave diggers on the cool earth beneath the weeping willow. "Bring the others."

They lay Hayley to rest and covered her with the earth. Her family stood quietly crying around her. Children and adults alike. As with Kevin everyone said kind words, shared memories.

"Julia, would you like to say anything?"

Julia shook her head no, realizing why she hated funerals. It took up way too much of her valuable time.

Julia woke up to the baby crying. The squawking of the infant every two hours. Jay took way too long to wake up. She rose from bed and half awake and half asleep, changed the baby's diaper and then stuck a bottle in her mouth. She heard Tom and Chess mutter 'thank you's' as the baby quieted down. Julia walked her in the hallway as she drank the bottle. Back and forth, back and forth to keep herself awake. She hadn't paced the floors with an infant in a very long time. She also remembered a time when Jayson barely slept and that insomnia of his had him up all hours of the night. He slept better in a zombie apocalypse than he did before when all he had on his mind were anxious worries over nothing. Julia had no sooner put Hannah back to sleep and got herself settled and asleep before she was woken up again by the squawking of the newborn.

"Is he fucking deaf? Has it been three hours already?" She groaned as she rose yet again and went to his room where she changed another diaper and stuck another bottle in baby's mouth. She paced back and forth, back and forth in the hall till Hannah was fed and soothed. She was fussy after she ate, upset stomach maybe? She walked with her nonetheless and pictured fat Hayley in heaven laughing at her.

Julia did this routine every night. Watching him sleep and caring for Hannah. She was miserable. Hannah had colic. Julia spent most of her time in the hall walking a baby that wasn't hers feeling as helpless as Hannah. She finally climbed the stairs and kicked on Tavin's door. She kicked till he answered.

"What's wrong, Julia?"

"What's wrong? I don't know what the fuck to do. Is there something wrong with her, Tavin?"

"No. She's healthy." He answered pulling on some shorts.

"I don't know what to do." She cried, handing him the baby. "What is wrong with her?"

He rocked Hannah in his arms awhile. "Red, you're handing this baby to the wrong daddy."

"There's something wrong with her, Tavin."

"No, there's not. We have gone over this." He told her. "We assessed her together, Julia, remember?"

"But, Tatia and Tarin aren't like this."

"Not all babies are the same. Luz says she's colicky. She said Rey-"

"I know what she said."

"And what else did she say? That there's nothing you can do."

"Just let her cry it out."

"Yes, Red. Let her cry it out and love her."

Hannah and Julia did eventually calm with Tavin. He held the baby asleep on his chest and gave Julia a good once over. "You look like hell." He commented. Hair all over, her color was pale despite the sun she got everyday. She was tired and frustrated. It was written all over her. He carried the baby back to Julia's little room. He lay Hannah back in her bassinette.

"Julia, she's ok. I swear it." Tavin whispered, giving her a hug. "You, not so much."  He chuckled.

"I'm so tired, Tavin."

"Can I help you out?" He asked, moving his hands to her waist.

"I need sleep, not dick." She said, climbing into her bed.

"You need to give her back to her dad." He told her, but she'd fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Tavin crossed the hall and went in Jay's little room. He woke him up, giving him a hard shake.

"If Hannah wakes her up one more time tonight I will fuck you up."

"Yeah, Tavin, God. Ok." He said, sitting up on the side of his bed. "I'm sorry. I don't hear her and she just-"

"No more. She's frustrated and she's tired. It's your turn."

"Ok. You're right, yes."

"Get your shit together, Jay."

"I'm up. I'm up."

Jay crossed from his room to Julia's. He sat on the end of her bed watching both the girls sleep. Having been talking with Julia about Jayla and hearing the voice that they'd both clearly heard had been a sign from above where Julia was concerned. Jay really thought it had been Tatia, having woken up momentarily, then had gone back to sleep. He doubted the voice they heard had been Jayla because that didn't make sense to him. Whatever it was, Julia cared for Hannah and was having a rough time of it. During the day she was fine, but at night she was fussy and at times inconsolable. How he managed to sleep through it without hearing a single noise out of the baby mystified him. He slept like a baby and the baby slept like he usually did, restless.

When Hannah did finally wake again, Jay did get her first and changed her and fed her, rocking her and holding her. She was fine with him. None of that noise that anyone else complained of. Maybe she wanted him? Maybe Jay had a way with her? When she fell asleep, he placed her back in her bassinette and he sat back with Julia on the bed, dozing off till the next feeding a few hours later. All infants really do is eat, crap and sleep. Hannah seemed for all intents and purposes fully normal to him. She accepted him. Julia woke up as he cradled her sleeping against him. He rubbed her little belly and was talking to her. That's what he did with Tatia. That's what he did the few times he cared for Tarin and now with Hannah.

"Hey, Jay." Julia smiled as she watched him lay the baby down.

"Hey," He answered, sitting back on her bed. "She's asleep."

"I didn't hear her cry."

"That's because I had her."

Julia got up and went to pee. Upon returning she crawled back to her spot and laid on her side with her head in his lap. He didn't question her or say a word, just let her be. She'd come back to life in pieces he figured. If she needed to use him as a pillow, then so be it. He played with her hair, brushing it away from her face, twirling it between his fingers. He looked from her hair to her dresser at the brush that lay on top of it, thinking he wanted to brush that mess of curls and put it up like he used to when it was wet. He looked at the brush and laughed.

"What's so funny?" She asked, looking over her shoulder at him.

"Nothing, Julia. Just go back to sleep. I know you're tired."

"You want some coffee? I think I'll go make some."

"Sounds good." Jay said, following her to the kitchen in the dark. She flipped on the table lamp and set it on the counter. Waiting for the coffee to brew, Jay held her hand and held her close to him, surprised she even let him get that far. They'd had a good night, a quiet night.

"Thanks for everything you've done, Jules."

"We'll make this work out, Jay. You're not alone. No one is alone here." Julia told him. "Thanks for letting me sleep."

"I should have been more sensitive. I swear I don't hear her at night. Why don't you wake me up?"

"I don't know. Old habits are hard to break. You know how I am. You guys have hard work to do all day. I just walk in a field picking veggies."

"It's not an excuse though. I'm sorry."

"I guess this last week I have been thinking a lot. Going through a lot of memories with Tatia. I didn't have Tatia when she was an infant like this. Remember?"

"Yeah, it all comes back. I remember being so scared and feeling like it was all on me and it wasn't. I had help there, but I was so fucking stubborn and resentful."

"She's started calling me mama."

"What about mommy?  Karen?" He asked.

"She knows about Karen. I told her about Karen, Jayson. I'm not hiding the truth about her mom."

Jay planted a little kiss on her forehead. He liked Julia like this, vulnerable and raw, comfortable in his arms. If he closed his eyes, he could feel the memory of being with her in his grandmom's house on Green Street. The memories that only they shared when they just started out together, when neither cared about what was going on outside the two of them and that small house on Green Street. They had created the family and they didn't even realize it.

"I smell coffee." Chess said, making his way into the kitchen. He'd been caught by surprise when it wasn't Luz making the morning brew, but Julia and Jay.

"Hey, Chess. It's almost ready." Julia said.

"Good. I need some." He said. "Who's doing checks with me? Or am I alone out there again, Julia?"

"Chess, you know we're stretched to the limit. I wish this group would quit shrinking." Julia replied.

"It takes twice as long with one person. Listen, I was thinking about the boys, Alex and Frankie-"

"Absolutely not." Julia replied before Chess even finished his sentence. "They're children."

"Julia, they can check a fucking fence with some training and even kill a-"

"I said no." Julia argued. "Hey, I'll get dressed and we'll go together."

"I hate to say this, but we need more people. Is there anything the boys can do that you'll be comfortable with? Julia, they want to get their hands dirty. They want to do something other than hang with Kell all fucking day."

"Jay, do you feel comfortable with Alex out there holding a spear, dragging the dead to the pit where we burn them?"

"I think that we live in a different time and that they could if they were trained."

"I didn't say they couldn't. I asked if that's what you want for him?"

"It's not what I want for any of us, but they could, yes."

"They're the next generation." Chess added.

"They're 12. What were you doing at 12?"

"Jerking off and playing video games." Chess said. "So right now, they're just jerking off. The video game is out there."

"We'll table this and I'll think about it."

"Jess and I wanna move back upstairs."

"No." Julia answered, separating from Jay. She started pouring coffee.

"No? Why? That room's empty now."

"The baby needs to move up."

"So you're taking the room?"

"No, I was thinking Jay."

"No, I don't wanna move up." Jay said, shaking his head.

"There's a reason the kids are upstairs, Jay. I don't feel comfortable with kids downstairs."

"Well you and Tatia sleep down here."

"I'll think about this too, then. Chess, gimme a minute and I'll get dressed."

"Ok."

Julia head back to her room and found Alex and Frankie standing at the foot of the stairs full dressed and ready to go. Chess was going to take them out anyway. That's why he'd been surprised that Luz wasn't in the kitchen. That's why he'd lobbied for the boys going out on checks. He was going to train them.

"So, you wanna do checks?" Julia asked them.

The boys looked at each other. Both looked down at her. At 12 they both stood taller than she did. "Yes, Julia."

"We're ready." Alex said so confident in himself and his friend at his side.

"Go wait with Chess." She mumbled.

Julia dressed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and her boots. While she laced up her boots, Hannah roused from slumber. She pulled a tee on and put her hair up quickly. As she adjusted her holster on her waist she felt pulled between two worlds, taking care of the baby and walking out the door with the boys.

Julia changed the baby's diaper and reached for a bottle that wasn't there. Empty, all of them.

She carried Hannah to Jayson. "There's no more bottles." Julia told him. "Take her up to Kelly. She's gonna have to pump more to get through the night."

Julia and Chess gave the boys a crash course in perimeter checks. The boys were eager to learn and came up close and personal with the fence's construction as well as the spikes that were planted around the perimeter. They came upon their first live and infected spiked and she and Chess watched as the boys heaved and vomited empty stomachs onto the ground. A gruesome sight for sure, this walker was already missing an arm, decayed flesh hung from its face and revealed the under carriage of the human skull. Missing teeth on the jawbone, the stench of walking death. Tattered clothing.

Julia waited till they got themselves together as it was something they hadn't witnessed up close and personal. They stared, fearful yet curious. They didn't know what to do. Julia gave them their first lesson in walker 101 as she had given those in Cal's group a few months back.

They were in awe at the way that she killed and then removed the body that had impaled itself on a wooden spike. She hoped there would be a few more for them to practice. She remembered training Jess, Kelly, Andy and Rey in a similar fashion at their last home. Killing them through the fence as they all closed in.

Alex stepped up first for the next body. Chess worked with Frankie on the other. A bit sloppy at first, but the boys were officially inducted into the group.

"Julia is this a problem?" Alex asked as he spotted a rusted area along the wire by the posts.

"Yes. Go get Tom and bring him back. He'll show you how to repair it."

"This is exciting." Frankie said, barely able to contain his excitement for the work they were doing.

"Boy, this is serious and dangerous work." Julia scolded him. "This perimeter is the first line of defense between us and them. You need to take this seriously."

"Frankie, keep going. You're doing great." Chess said, slapping him on the back. "Check the fuckin' fence, kid."

Chess snagged Julia by her tee shirt, holding her back as Frankie got his little face up to the fence. Chess laughed watching the display of inspection.

"Julia, maybe you should sit this out." Chess told her.

"Why? You want me to leave?"

"I want you to teach them like a zombie slayer not their fucking Aunt Julia."

"They're our kids, Chess."

"Yeah, duh. Remember when we went to get Rey and Luz from the apartment building? How fucking exciting was that?"

"Chess, it was terrifying."

"But it was exciting. The most exciting shit we ever had to do. You remember the fucking thrill of it? All the bullets flying around. All the skull smashing?"

"Chess, that was horrible and scary."

"Remember when we left Green Street? Who ran out there in the middle of the street acting like GI Julia? It was exciting. It was thrilling. It was bad ass. We burned all those fuckers up."

"That was a great plan."

"So, what's this? Not even half of what we had to go through. Let them have their day. They'll figure out what it means to them all on their own." He scolded her. "I want GI Julia out here with them, not Aunt Julia. Decide who you're going to be today." Julia didn't know how to respond as Chess had put her in her place. "Let's finish this up cause I'm getting hungry."

They met early at the table and had evening meeting at lunch time. There was a long list of items on their agenda and it was hot outside in the June sun. Kelly helped clean up and listened to the meeting. She was hot, but had kept it to herself till the subject of the boys training came up.

"I know I'm not part of this inner circle, but I would have liked a heads up about this." Kelly stated, trying to maintain a level of cool headedness.

"Kelly, this isn't up for discussion off the table." Tavin informed her.

"Bullshit it's not." Kelly shot back. "I think as my brother I should have a say in what you have him doing out there. You people need to set age limits on your activities."

"Kelly, the boys did an amazing job out there. Don't underestimate their abilities." Julia said.

"He is my brother, which means that I have every right in this world to be included in what he does. I have every right to an opinion on this. He might be part of this group, but as my brother as the person who is responsible for him-"

"We're all responsible for him. The day we took you 3 in, you all became our responsibility. I promised you that."

"I think I have moved out of the realm of your responsibility, Julia. You still see me as your responsibility? That's what I am?"

"Kelly, no that's not what I meant." Julia said to her. "Then, yes, but now, no. Kelly, I'm sorry. I should have, we should have mentioned it to you."

"I thought the agreement was that our kids don't do the killing. Our kids don't get involved in that."

"Kelly, we're training them. We're short handed in case you haven't noticed we're down half our group. We need help out there and-"

"Find something else for them to do! They can help with maintaining the place, fixing the fence with Tom or feeding the animals or a million other shitty things, but if you take my brother out there one more time I will-"

"You'll what, Kelly?" Tavin asked.

"You do not have my permission for this. You need my permission for this and I say no." She yelled, "End of story."

"Thanks, Kelly. I understand." Julia nodded, backing down. "Guys, she has a point."

"They're boys is all I'm saying. Let them be boys while they still can be." Kelly said. "I'm sorry I yelled, but-"

"Kelly, you're right. We'll have to work on this, but we will not have the boys out there again."

"So that's it? Baby throws a tantrum and that's it?" Chess argued.

"Baby?" Kelly asked. "Did you just call me a baby?"

"Make her leave the table," Chess ordered, looking at Tavin.

"Jay, do you got a problem with Alex doing that?"

"Don't drag me into this. Whatever Julia and Kelly say is fine. We'll work it out." Jay said, shifting in his chair and moving Hannah to his other arm.

"You're saying that so you can get in her pants."

"Chess, no I am not." Jay mumbled.

"No, you were all for it this morning and now cause Julia's backing off you are too." Chess raised his voice. "Tavin, make a fucking decision."

"Tavin? Why Tavin? We all make decisions as a group." Julia said.

"Someone without a vagina needs to make the call." Chess muttered. "Unless you grew one like Jay just did."

"Chess, I'm gonna put this girl down and beat your ass. Shut up." Jay told him, getting pissed off.

"This is insane." Chess said, looking at Julia.

"Guys, stop it." Luz called from the kitchen.

"I agree, stop. We'll all work this out. We've been through worse." Tavin said, looking around the table.

"We're working this out now aren't we? Or are we just voting this down now? You didn't even ask Alex and Frankie what they want to do."

"We could vote on it. Yes." Tom announced. "That would resolve this right now."

Cass leaned over the table and finally said something, "You have all turned into pussies." She sighed. "Whining, gutless pussies. But whatever. Let's vote."

"Fine, everyone vote on whether the boys learn our ways." Chess announced. "Yes."

Jay, "Yes."

Tom, "Yes."

Tavin, "Yes."

Cass, "Yes."

"Julia, it doesn't matter now, does it?" Chess asked.

"Yes, but with accompanied training and they never go out together by themselves. We'll pair them up."

"I can't believe you fucking people." Kelly muttered, walking away from the table. She returned a minute. "So when do I get a say? When?" She screamed at them. "When it's my son's turn? Or not even then?"

"This is why you're not at the table. You're immature. And you got no idea what goes on out there." Chess told her.

"Chess, don't talk to her like that." Jay said.

"It's true, Jay. Everyone fucking voted yes."

Jay handed Hannah off to Kelly and dove over the table toward Chess, which started a whole new fracas in the room. Kelly backed into the living room and watched as Jay's fist hit Chess's mouth. Bodies backed off and Tavin and Tom tried to separate them. Cass had Jay by the waist, trying to pull him off.

"Stop it, Jay." Julia yelled, getting knocked onto her ass as Jay's hands went around Chess's throat and started squeezing.

Tavin grabbed Jay and pulled him back onto his feet and back toward the living room. Cass and Tom pulled Chess to his feet.

"Take it outside and work it out. If you need to punch each other or talk to each other, but get out and don't come back till it's resolved." Julia yelled at them.

Julia took Hannah and then led Kelly aside, taking her to the front porch where they sat on the steps. Kelly was still angry, scared and sad. "Things like this, Kelly, can get out of control. That's why you bring stuff to me or Tavin and we work it out at the table."

"But-"

"There's a way we do things around here and you know the way we do things. If you go off screaming and carrying on, then feelings get hurt and people get hurt in the process. Understand me?"

"Yes."

"Do you really understand me? You think we're out there throwing them to the wolves? I love Alex with every fiber of my being. You think I'd put them in harm's way. Do you fucking trust my judgment? Tavin's judgment? Cause the way I see it, you trust us with more than your life here."

"This group is miserable." She complained.

"It is."

"Fucking fix it, Julia."

"I can't fix it. It has to fix itself."

"Why can't you get them to do what you want anymore? You used to do it so easy."

"It's a lot of work on my part, Kelly. You don't know what it takes."

"But you do. Do whatever it is you do and fast. Cause it's not working anymore."