CHAPTER FIFTEEN-GOING BACK HOME

Julia, Jess and Tavin sat at the first table together. In front of them, a bottle of vodka. Kelly sat shyly near Tavin, holding his hand and he had his arm around her. Tavin reached for and opened the bottle.

"Hi again." She said.

Tavin grinned. "Have I told you how pretty you are?"

Kelly blushed, looking down at their interlocked fingers. Tavin squeezed her little hand and guided his pretty Kelly from her seat adjacent to him to his lap. "Drink." He said, pouring some vodka for her into a glass.

"I don't drink." She said softly, sliding the glass away from her. She looked different, more than usual, but Julia hadn't been to the original house in a very long time.

Tavin handed her the cup, "Tonight, we'll make an exception." He kissed her neck below her ear and Kelly giggled a bit and pulled away.

"Pass that shit," Julia demanded, standing from her seat. She reached for the bottle and slugged a few gulps of the liquor. Then she handed it to Jesslyn as she straddled Jess's lap. Jess took a drink too, holding Julia's waist. "Your legs, Julia."

"Are just fine. Drink." Julia smiled, urging Jess to take some more. She cupped Jess's face and started kissing her around her lips and cheeks. "I wanted to do this all fucking day, baby girl. There's so much I wanted to do to you all day." She said.

"Julia, watch it." Tavin told her. "You might not want to leave."

"You all are the ones from the house. My neighbors one day." Kelly said, looking to Tavin then Julia. She spoke so low, sounding a bit surprised at what she saw, trying to comprehend what was happening in this room at the table.

Julia and Jess continued to drink, make out, fondle, explore. Tavin had heard and then did not explore any further the girl's body. He wanted to, having her seated on his lap. She was shy and reserved. 

"Oh, I'm dreaming aren't I?" Kelly asked, forcing down the vodka that was in the glass in her small hand. She glanced at Tavin. "You're cute." She smiled.

"So are you, Kelly." He said, moving her back to her seat.

"Julia," Tavin called. "Kelly's here with us.."

"Ok." Julia said, pulling Jess's shirt up to touch her breasts.

"She's here. Like me and you and Jess." He said, staring at Jess's tits. He'd never seen them before. Kelly looked down nervously as Jess was exposed. "Oh, my." Kelly giggled.

"Kell, you ever had a dream like this before?" Julia asked.

"No. Nothing like this." She shook her head.

"You wanna just go with the flow, then."

"What if you move in? Then I have to see this guy every day and all."

"Please, girl. It's a dream. You'll never see him again."

"Aww, that's a shame. I like him."

"Tav, third floor, 2nd door." Julia said, pointing to the back stairway.

Tavin took the glass with Kelly's vodka. "Come with me. We'll only go as far as you want." He sighed.

"How far is that?"

"You'll know when we get there."

"I thought they'd never leave." Jess said.

"I know the feeling. Living here, there was always someone under foot."

"Are we going up?"

"That's not a good idea. You haven't seen him in the flesh in so long, Jess, I know how you're going to react and this wasn't a good idea."

"He's here?"

"Of course, he's here. But he doesn't know about this. He hasn't figured it out yet."

"Take me upstairs, please. Take me to him."

Julia rose from Jess's lap, took her hand and they climbed the steps to their room. Before they went inside, Julia suggested she tell him what she'd wanted to say to him, but couldn't because he was gone. "He's been in the house all this time?" Jess asked.

"Jess, he's always been there."

Julia opened the door, opening the door to the room that they'd shut a long time ago. Chess lay sleeping on the mattress, unsuspecting that Jess was kneeling next to him. She touched his face.  "He's alive." Jess said with disbelief in her voice.

"He's alive." Julia repeated. He's not my husband here. He's not my husband here. He's not my husband here. Julia had to say it enough times to convince herself it was a different time in their history, a time where he belonged to Jess and Jess belonged to him. She smiled at them, but couldn't shake the sadness seeing someone else react this way to her husband.

"Julia, what did you think would happen?" Jay asked.

Chess awoke with Jess's prodding hands. "What's up, Jess? You wanna lay down? Are you drunk?"

"Yeah, I'm drunk. I love you so much, Chess." She said, crying on his shoulder.

"I love you too." He said, adjusting himself on their mattress, making room for her.

"Don't let go of me, Chess. Please. Don't let go."

Julia walked to the dresser and flipped through her book. Note after note she'd written, detailing their very first plans. The formation of the table, the comfort of electricity and working plumbing. The family that lived in this house the boys had sacrificed for their comfort. She took the book and went down stairs. With her bottle of vodka and her tears she stood in the kitchen at the counter and flipped through the pages, reading the history she documented on paper. She started at the beginning. Her feet ached by the time she read through the book, but the pain was merely a gift that she endured as she shuffled her feet. She would stand till she woke up.

Tavin came downstairs while she neared the end of the book. He put an arm around her, half holding her up and half to comfort her.

"Jess?"

"Is with Chess." Julia answered, crying. He's not my husband here, she reminded herself. "And Kelly."

"Kelly is asleep."

"You couldn't do it, huh?"

"No. We fooled around, I admit that, but I couldn't. How did I do it then? She's too young."

"Like I said. Different time and place. Would you like to see?"

"Yeah, I would."

Julia pulled the blanket off the sofa and wrapped it around her body to keep warm outside. Tavin followed her through the front door. "Don't get too close. Just look." Julia said, pulling the blanket around her tighter as they walked the drive to the gate. Tavin stood with his hands on the bars of the fence. "Get off, I said look." Julia warned him.

"What the fuck?" He whispered, gazing at them as they walked by, as they clung to the fence, snarling and reaching with their hands.

"Noise attracts them so please be quiet."

"If this is a dream-"

"Take no chances. They will bite." Julia warned him. "This is the shitty part."

"Where are the weapons?"

"You wanna slay them?" Julia laughed. "You come here for one thing and wind up doing another."

"You could say that yourself."

"The spears are over here. Jay's idea. I'll show you, then you can do it, ok?"

"What about the guns?"

"No guns. Too noisy. It'll wake everyone up."

Julia placed the blanket on the hood of the car and handed him a spear. She took one in her hands. She hadn't held one in her hands in so long. It felt good. She felt strong. "Julia, are you ok?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine." She answered. She walked to the fence and stabbed the first infected she saw. Through the eye, then withdrew the sharp metal, leaving her drop to the ground. "Everything we did was to insulate us from this. All our plans and all our work, the effort we put out was to insulate us from the monsters at the fence. Most of it was really, really boring and you know I don't deal well with heavy stress, thus the vodka and the sex. Then we ran out of vodka, moved on to wine."

"What do I do here?"

"You're our leader, well we both are. Me and you. We direct all of this, separate and equal. We make the plans and then the team makes it happen."

"Me and you?"

"Us. Yeah, plus you're our doctor."

Julia stabbed the next monster, spraying the blood and brain from its eye as she withdrew the metal. She watched the infected man drop to the ground outside the fence. She motioned to Tavin to take out the next. Some things don't change, like the style he used to chuck that spear through the skull.

"Doctor?"

"We spent more time studying and learning here than we ever did in real life. Our reality is so despondent and dull. We have everything at our fingertips to change the whole world, make it so better and what do we spend our time doing? Fucking, surfing the internet and getting high, wasting time and energy while our world and its people waste and wither and fight age old wars."

"Getting philosophical on me?"

"Truth." She said, poking the ground with the spear and leaning on it. 

"I could do this all night. Frustrated are you?"

"For sure."

"Wanna fuck?" Julia asked him.

"As if you have to even ask."

"Let's hit it then. Don't have all night." Julia took her spear and returned it to the front porch with him following behind her. She took the blanket off the car where she'd left it and they went inside. Julia swiped her vodka off the counter and sat him in the chair at the table.

"Right here?" Tavin looked around the barren downstairs.

"Right here." She agreed undressing, dropping clothes to the floor as he shimmied his pants down.

Julia settled on top of him, moving hips she hadn't had the ability to move and feeling his erection that she hadn't had the ability to feel. Releasing the orgasm easily. It was all too real.

"I think you're right. I might not want to leave this place." She admitted.

Julia didn't feel well at all. Her head ached so bad it was unbearable, stretching into her neck. She'd taken Motrin and it was entirely ineffective. Dylan had stopped by, brought her some soup from the health food store. When he wasn't stoned, he enjoyed a healthy lifestyle. Vegan, soy milk, watched his diet closely, and avoided fast food. Julia thought he was too sweet, being her nurse. The squash soup was actually pretty good till she vomited it back up in the empty container. He got a cold compress and laid it across her forehead.

"Do you have migraines?"

"No." Julia responded shortly.

"What can I do for you?"

"Dylan, you've done enough. You can't help me here. Ugh, I feel like shit." She muttered. She closed her eyes and made him leave the lighting low. "The soup was delicious going down, Dyl. Thank you. When I feel better I want more of it."

"Sure, redhead, sure. I'll bring you more." He said, holding her hand. "You're fuckin' hot."

"I don't feel very sexy right now." She groaned.

"No, you're hot. You're burning hot."

"A fever?"

"Definitely." He frowned. "I wanna call your dad, Julia."

"I'll be ok."

Dylan left Julia laying on her bed, sneaking her cell out to the living room. He felt assured she wouldn't follow him in her condition. Dylan looked through her phone book and scrolled past her dad's number to Tavin's number. Her dad had no idea they were seeing each other. He'd never met Cal. Julia never met his parents. It was a strange relationship, new, but strange. Neither had expressed any interest in the parents. But Tavin knew about Dylan. He hit the phone button and the phone rang on Tavin's end.

"Yeah, hello, Red. What's up?"

"It's not the redhead. It's Dylan." He said, realizing he and Tavin had similar nicknames for her.

"Hey, I heard a lot about you. What's up, man?"

"I think she's sick. I know she's sick. She's burning up." Dylan told him. Tavin asked for a list of symptoms. "I wanna call her dad. Should I call her dad?"

"You need to call an ambulance. Stay with her, please."

"Cal, he doesn't know about me."

"I don't care. Stay with Red. Her dad will understand." Tavin told him. "Hang up, call 911 and do not leave her. Call me back."

Dylan hung up the phone and went back to Julia to confess he'd called Tavin. When he got to her room, she was unconscious. "Shit." He cussed. He called 911 like Tavin had said. He stayed at her side till the medics were finished assessing, hooking leads up to her, working her up. They put a tube through her throat and then started and IV.

Dylan waited near her room and then was gradually moved further and further out to the living room as more fire and rescue and cops showed up. Dylan spoke with the officer and gave him his information then he called Cal at work.

"Mr Fry?" He said when her dad answered the phone.

"Who's this? Why are you on Julia's phone?"

"I'm Dylan. You don't know me. I'm Julia's boyfriend. Sir, there's an emergency."

"An emergency? What?"

"I'm going to put you on the phone with the cop." He said, walking to the officer in the hall. He tapped him on the shoulder. "Her dad." Dylan said, handing him the phone.

"Cal, yeah, Officer Daniel Ripkin here." The officer said, holding the phone to his ear. The exchanged a short conversation. "Yeah, Mav General."  Officer Ripkin handed the phone back to Dylan and the crew gathered her up and rolled out, leaving him in the living room. Dylan grabbed his backpack and head out behind the crew and the officer, shutting the door behind him.

"How do you know Julia, Dylan?" Officer Ripkin asked.

"I'm her friend. I brought her soup."

"Friend, huh. How old are you?"

"21. We met on the bus a few weeks ago."

"21?" Officer Ripkin asked him. "You're aware she is a minor."

"I am, yes." Dylan answered honestly. "I need to go to the hospital." Dylan walked away from him, but officer Ripkin called him back. "Are you arresting me?"

"Should I be arresting you, Dylan?"

"No. You should be giving me a ride to the hospital. If you don't mind."

Dylan met Cal for the first time in the ER waiting room. "Mr Fry," Dylan said, walking up to him.

Cal glanced at Dylan skeptical at first at the sight of the boyfriend. "I'm Dylan."

"Hello, Dylan." Cal said, standing, extending his hand. "You're the boyfriend."

Dylan nodded, taking his hand and shaking firmly. "Is she going to be ok?"

"I don't know yet." He answered. "Have a seat, young man. We can wait together. And you can tell me how you got to be the boyfriend."

Dylan had never been so happy to have Cal taken back to the room to see Julia and speak with the doctor. He pulled Julia's phone from his pocket and dialed Tavin again. He answered right away.

"What took so long to call, man?"

"I had to sit here and convince her father in 20 ways and swear on a bible that I wasn't going to shoot his kid like her last boyfriend. I got the third degree."

"You're aware the last boyfriend was my brother?"

"I am, yes." Dylan answered. "Thanks to him I have to explain myself."

"Red? How's red?"

"It's not good. The docs came out and talked to him while I was sitting there. She's sick. Really sick. Her fever is 105."

"No way. That's impossible."

"Possible. They don't know what's wrong with her. She's on a ventilator."

"Infection."

"They don't know what it is though."

"Meningitis?" Tavin suggested.

"They're testing her for that. They're giving me medicine too in case that's what it is. Are you a doctor or something?"

"EMT, that's all."

"Oh, yeah. Paramedic school."

"Can you tell her dad to call me when he knows for sure. Thanks for staying with her."

"No problem. I wanted to."

Julia awoke next to Chess. 'Sweet mother of God', she sighed, rolling her eyes. She scooted to the bottom of the bed and dangled her legs over the end. She could feel them, move them. That's weird, she thought. Julia stood and walked out of her room. She opened Jay's door. He lay sleeping on his side. She shoved him. "Why am I here?"

"I didn't know you were here."

"There's something wrong, Jay." Julia said. "Something's different." She said, folding her arms over her chest. "It's chilly. What time is it? Is it time to get up or what?"

"Jules, leave me alone. Get out."

"Fine. I don't wanna be in here anyway."

Julia roamed the first floor, made some coffee. She added a layer of clothes and some wood to the stove. She had to acclimate herself to the farmhouse. She felt stuck, firmly planted there. It felt less like a dream and more like a reality again. She went back to Jay, opening the door and waking him up. "Bring me Tavin." She ordered, sipping coffee. "Now. I need to know what's going on."

"Bring him yourself."

"Ugh, it's gonna be a long fucking stay with your attitude, Jay." Julia told him angrily. "I made us coffee."

"Thanks, Jules."

"Am I here overnight or what?"

"I don't know."

"What the fuck do you know, then?"

"As much as you. Do you want me to get up?"

"May as well. I need you to bring me up to speed."

"Yeah, sure. I'm up."

"Oh, and get me your brother."

Jay and Julia sat at the table going over the notebooks. Julia was pissed. She had a whole fucking field to plant. Again. Nothing had been done and nothing had changed. Nothing had been built or reinforced or anything.

So it's almost the same fucking day?

"No, you're all better now. Remember you were sick not too long ago?" Jay yawned, then picked up his second cup of coffee.

"What was it?"

"The Mirena. It was infected. You got antibiotics. You got better."

"Oh, I see."

"Remember the blood? It looked like a crime scene."

Julia's memory flashed back to her bedroom at home. The stale odor of blood and the stains on the carpet and-"Yes. I vaguely remember that." She nodded. "Maybe that had something to do with us realizing what had happened? The blood. So much blood. You drained me of almost all of it to the point that I died from shock. They brought me back after 45 minutes of being dead. That's when I saw Jayla."

At that moment Tavin emerged from the addition. He sat at the table. "This connection feels weak." He said, looking past Jayson to Julia.

"Ok, what's wrong with me now?"

"You are infected."

They stared at Tavin.

"She's immune. She'll be fine." Jay said.

"They think it's meningitis. But I don't think so. Your symptoms, Julia. You took the infection home with you from the first house."

"The night you brought Jess home?" Jay asked.

"Yes." Tavin nodded. "We killed them at the fence. She showed me how."

Tavin rattled off the list of symptoms Julia had given him the list in case the infection actually occurred at home. Then he'd know when to come get her and put her down or carry her away. It had been a joke then. Now it seemed possible.

"Ok, so we wait."

"They're starting Dylan on meds prophylactically."

"Who's Dylan?" Jay asked.

"Dylan's my boyfriend." Julia replied.

"Boyfriend?" Jay asked.

"Time goes on, Jay. I moved on from all this."

"You're immune? How?"

"I already was sick. I got sick at the first house. I almost died."

"We saved her, took care of her."

"Julia, I want you to leave here."

"No, why?"

"I don't want you here with him. He hurt you once and..."

"Tavin, I'll be ok."

"I don't trust him. Promise me. Go wake Chess up now and leave."

"I am safer here than out there on the streets. Jay won't hurt me, Tavin."

"I won't- I wouldn't-"

"You're a killer, Jayson. God, I don't know why, but you are."

"We're all killers here, Tavin."

"That does not make me feel better about this arrangement."

"If I leave, nothing will get done. My people will die."

"They are already dead." He argued loudly.

"Not all of them. There are babies here."

"They are not real."

"You go hold your son and tell me he is not real. In one way or another, we are all real, live human beings here. I will not abandon my family and my work to please your irrational sense of fear."

"If anything happens to this girl while she is here I will hold you personally responsible."

"Understood." Jay said sadly. "Tavin, I'm sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am for what I have done. To them, to myself."

"Fuck you, Jayson Keller."

"Tavin, honey, I know you're angry and you're scared. Are these the feelings you want to project right now? What if this is the last time you see him?"

"You don't have to defend me, Julia." Jayson said. "If you'd like to leave, we'll manage without you. Me and Cass, we'll take care of things. Take Chess and go."

"Cassidy is here." Tavin stammered.

"I have no idea why. Never figured that out." Julia explained. "I'm not going anywhere with anyone. I am armed and trained. I will be fine. I promise." Tavin had a difficult time believing her. "Dylan, keep an eye on him. If this is the infection, he'll get sick. He will die and he will turn. It's highly infectious."

"What do I do if he turns?"

"You do what I taught you."

He nodded. "And then I get Kelly?"

"Yeah," Julia laughed. "Get your wife, by all means necessary."

"And then what?"

"You make your new life."

Julia went to him and hugged him. "I love you."

"Love you too."

He got up from the table and walked back toward the addition to see his wife, which left Jay and Julia alone at the table. Julia closed her books, carrying them away.

"Where are you going?" Jay asked.

"I'm going to see my husband."

"How about we go for a walk?" Julia asked, sitting on the edge of her bed and lacing up her boots.

"A walk? Sure." He smiled as he dressed.

"I wanna go to the field. Can you roll us a joint?"

"You're smoking with me too? Is it a holiday or something?"

"Let's spend the day together. I think it would do us some good." She told him, slipping her arms around his waist. She kissed his cheek.

"Or just stand here all day like this." He suggested, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. " You smell fantastic."  ...juicy couture...perk of being lucky...Julia thought. At home that fragrance had been a perk. Here, she was lucky she had deodorant.

Julia and Chess took a blanket from the barn and walked into her field. She spread the blanket out and they smoked the joint, sitting so close together she was practically atop of him. She wanted to spend as much time in zombie land walking, using her legs, enjoying the movement of her joints and muscles. She wanted to walk till her legs felt like her pussy, sore. Today was the first day back though and she wanted to be so utterly lazy with Chess and enjoy their gift of time, their reunion. Julia called them in sick so to speak and she planned on reconnecting with him.

"We laying here all day?" He asked, staring up at the cloudy sky.

"Just a little while. Is that a crime?"

"No, I like this. I missed this. I wondered if you'd come back to me."

"I'm here now. Not completely sure how long. I missed you, my Chess."

"My Julia..." He laughed. "Thanks for leaving me the notes."

"I had to tell you. You deserve to know everything. I don't lie to my husband and I don't fuck with his head." She said, holding up her hand and looking at her ring. "I'm glad you found it. The guilt was killing me, the separation was killing me."

"I knew when you put the journal back on the dresser."

"I'm a sneaky girl, Chess. Don't forget that."

"I checked everyday for new entries."

"How are you dealing?"

"Just waiting in this great in between." He replied, holding her tighter to him. "And Dylan?"

"I like him a lot. He's not you. No one can replace you."

"How are we playing this?"

"It's about you and me and right here and now. That's all we have."

"What did Tavin say?"

"I'm infected. That's why I am here. You know what? My brain says, you'll get better and you'll go home again. My heart says, refuse to go cause I wanna stay with you."

"Not up to us, Julia. That's clear."

"I should have never left. I feel so guilty, putting my needs ahead of you. It was selfish."

"You're living your life. I won't take that from you."

"What's my life without my Chess?"

"Some dude named Dylan." He laughed.

"He reminds me of you a little, but he doesn't compare."

"Neither does whoever I lay with every other night of the week. How is Jess?"

"A fucking mess at first, but I'm working on her. Got her off the meds, got her away from the shrink. She's almost ready to find someone else, but I can't push her too hard."

"Bringing her to me at the first house? That was your big plan on moving her along?"

"I hope so. Did she say-"

"You asked me to keep it to myself."

"Did you make love to her?"

"You asked me to keep it to myself."

"I feel guilty. I broke our bond, our trust." Chess lay quietly beside her, listening to the wind blow, watching the clouds part above them and the sunlight open on the field. "We need to talk about this, Chess."

"You need to talk about this. You know how I feel. I have told you, live your life. That's what you did."

"You're my life. I'm confused about it."

"Does Dylan make you happy?"

"Chess, "

"It's a simple question, Julia. Yes or no."

"Yes. He's-"

"You don't have to tell me why. If he makes your life better and he treats you the way I would want you treated, then that's all that matters to me."

"He's not you."

"He's never going to be me and I will never be there, so live your life. That's what I want for you, a happy life." Chess paused. "Go ahead and cry, let it all out. It's ok. When you're done, we'll get up. We'll move on."

It took a few days to get back in the swing of things, but she bounced back quick. She had the hardest time getting in touch with the people that needed her guidance. Every time she looked at Tavin or Jess, she knew they were alive somewhere else and functioning somewhere else. They were exactly the same people though. Same feelings, same dispositions, same personalities. It was all so very inexplicably weird. Life just went on in zombie world like it went on at home. People worked, time passed, days turned into weeks. As each day passed, she felt further away from home and more rooted in the insulated reality that was marriage and keeping people alive and well and happy. Shit...I have nothing else to do. Each row, each seed. She worked her small fingers raw and it felt good.

Tavin found her in the field, planting rows with the rest of the household.

"There must be an easier way to do this." He muttered.

Julia had heard enough complaining for one planting season. "You could lend a hand here, leader." She spat, bowing to him sarcastically. He started walking across the rows toward her. "Don't walk there, Tavin. God dammit, I just planted there."

"Sorry, Jules. Moody much."

"Yeah, I'm allowed. What do you want? Did you and Tom figure out what's wrong with the Prius?"

"The car?" Tavin asked.

"Why'd you come out here? What is it?"

"Can we talk?" He asked, looking at his dirty little friend. She was filthy. The closer he got he could smell her and she didn't smell like juicy couture. "You need a bath bad, Red. You smell."

"The struggle is real." She said, crouching in the dirt.

He tip toed over what he hoped was the right path so he wouldn't trample the freshly planted rows. He took a look around the field. "Almost done?"

"No where near. What's wrong with the car?"

"I don't know. I could look, but I am not a mechanic."

"Very funny. What's tom think?" Tavin pulled his pack of smokes from his pocket and lit one. "It's you? We need a code word." She smiled standing up. She went to hug him, but he stepped back.

"I can smell you over here. No."

"It's hard work. Gimme the cigarettes." She demanded, holding out her hand. Tavin handed them over. She studied the box. "Where did you get these?"

"The fucking store, Red."

"How'd you get them here is what I mean?" She asked tucking the Marlboros in her pocket.

"In my pocket. You're keeping them?"

"You and Tom smoke here too, so what's up?" She asked, walking with him away from the others.

"You're still sick."

"I've been here for weeks, Tavin. This planting shit is getting old. I'm filthy dirty. I do my laundry by hand. I have no internet. No electricity. No running water."

"It's been 48 hours." He said back. "No change."

"Well thanks, I guess. For nothing but cigarettes."

"I wanted to see you."

"I'm alive. I told you I would be ok."

"I was worried. No one pulled me in."

"I don't control it here like at home. I'm rooted here. I'm stuck here."

"I'm sorry. They're doing what they can."

"Dylan?"

"I'm meeting him for lunch today."

"Weed and Taco Bell."

"Where's wifey?"

"She's with the kids. Try the yard, the house, wherever you hear screaming or crying."

"Can you watch the kids for us real quick?"

"You came here to get your dick wet."

"You know me too well." He grinned.

"Fine, then. Come on." She sighed, walking back to the house with Tavin. "Hey, you brought cigarettes through." Julia said.

"So."

"Do you have any condoms?"

Tavin shrugged. "I don't think so."

"I need them. Bring me some. And some vodka. And my juicy couture perfume."

"And cigarettes."

"Stuff yourself full of that shit, please. Every pocket. Your underwear. Your socks. I need condoms. A lot of condoms. Go to the clinic. I really need condoms."

"You got the thing in-"

"Not anymore. Please google me something that tells me how to know when I am ovulating. When you come back you better look like fucking Santa Claus." She ordered. "Money. I have money. From the house remember?"

"Ok. I'll take care of it."

"A lot of condoms."

Julia and Tavin finished talking and she led him directly to Kelly. Tarin was running loose.

"Da, Da!" Tarin screamed, hurdling toward him, grappling his leg. Tavin hoisted him into the air and held him.

Hannah sat in the high chair as Kelly tried to spoon feed her. Kelly looked frustrated with the fussy Hannah. Julia took over for her and Tavin set Tarin down on Julia's lap. "Julia, I can-"

"Go fuck your husband, Kell."

CHAPTER FOURTEEN-WEED AND TACOS

"Julia, it's Jesslyn." Sandy said, her voice heavy with sadness.

"What's wrong with Jesslyn?" Julia asked, hearing the inflection in Sandy's voice didn't give her much hope.

"She's at Maverick General. She tried to take her life." Sandy said through her tears. She heard Sandy's voice cracking and she had to hang up. The phone cut off and Julia knew what she had to do.

Julia had done the research, but never worked up the nerve to actually do it. In her small apartment with all her needs met, she had no reason to leave the solace and safety of her 4 walls. She hadn't been this scared to venture out of a home since the first night. She sat in her chair in front of her building, trembling and nervous and frightened of failure. I can do this, she thought, pulling her backpack over her arms. She cringed as traffic passed her on the side walk. She feared everyone was staring at her. She feared she'd be seen as that girl, you know, the one that was almost killed by her boyfriend. She let the spring warmth caress her face, the sunlight penetrate her skin, the fear stung her psyche to the point she could feel it tumbling in her belly. She could feel it gripping her around her insides, twisting them into a knot. Every thing around her buzzed by so fast as she sat still, watching the world at work.

"Focus, Julia. You can do this, Julia. The first time is the hardest." She said to herself. She wished she was stoned. Julia worked up the confidence, giving herself a pep talk, telling herself she'd be ok and hoping that she wasn't fooling herself.

She propelled toward the bus stop which wasn't far from her apartment building door and she parked beneath the bus stop canopy. She had her money in hand as the bus pulled up and stopped at the curb. The driver greeted her hello and lowered the wheelchair lift for her. The air sucked out of her chest, that heavy feeling where if she had the ability she'd turn and run. She pushed onto it and got stuck a bit between the curb and the lift. She nearly panicked until she felt someone give her a push onto the lift the rest of the way. She turned. "Th-thanks." She said to the twenty-something guy.

"No problem." He replied. And she got on the bus. The kid sat near her and she wasn't sure whether to get out of her chair and into a seat or whether to stay put. She opted to stay put. "Hey, I'm Dylan." He said to her. He had a well coiffed goatee. She imagined that goatee tickling her skin against her neck. He wasn't hot, but he was alright. Brown hair, shaggy and brown eyes, but he seemed like a genuine guy. A lithe and thin build wearing a long sleeve tee and baggy jeans. Nike's on his feet.

"Hi. I'm Julia." She smiled, shifting in her chair.

"Nice wheels, redhead."

"Point A to point B." She sighed, thinking he was making fun of her. She kind of frowned at him and nervously played with the gloves on her hands.

"I'm serious. It's a cool chair. The ones I seen have been those old people chairs, y'know."

"Uh-yeah. I know what you mean." Julia nodded thinking back to the hospital and the big clunky wheel chairs she had to use there.

"I know who you are. You're the Go fund me kid."

"Excuse me?" Julia asked, completely not understanding what he meant.

He pulled out his phone and showed Julia her own go fund me account. Julia was baffled. She had no idea about any go fund me project. She never asked for any money or any donations. It had been set up by the kids at school. Each kid involved had an account. Hers specifically helped with hospital bills and other expenses for the family to get them through the tough time while Julia recovered.

"I-I didn't know anything about this." She said, baffled at the donations her family had received. "There's one for each of us?" She asked, looking at Dylan.

"Yeah, redhead. Where you heading?"

"The hospital, to see a friend." She answered him. "How old are you?" She asked.

"21. Why?"

"No reason, I guess."

"From what I heard, you seem like cool people. Lemme give you my number. We could chill sometime." He texted Julia his number. They had a quick conversation on the ride to the hospital. He helped her off the bus, then got back inside, leaving her safely on the curb. Julia dialed her dad's cell phone number. He answered on the 2nd ring.

"You didn't tell me about the go fund me account. Are we using that money?"

"When I get your hospital bills, Julia, I pay them with that money. Your month long stay was not cheap and neither was the therapy and neither was..."

"Ok, I was surprised to find out about it is all."

"Where are you, Julia? Are you outside?"

"I'm at Mav General. I'm going in to see Jess. Maybe visit my therapy friends and my nurses."

"How'd you get there?"

"I took the bus, daddy. It was an adventure."

"You alright?"

"I am here, so I would say so."

"I didn't get up yet. You coulda woke me and I woulda driven you there. Call me when you wanna come back home."

Julia hadn't rolled through the hospital doors since she'd been discharged. She stopped at the desk and asked the lady to help her locate Jess. She gave her a room number and sent her on her way. She found the floor and the waiting area. She found a bunch of kids hanging around who all were excited to see Julia. She was overwhelmed with the hugs and the tears and everyone asking how she was and when she'd come back to school. She didn't know them, but recognized them all.

Julia eventually wheeled away and found Jess's room. Her mom was talking with a doctor. No one said she couldn't be there, so she went inside.

"She's been asking for you." Jess's mom said to her. She left the room with the doc so they could go over her case and left Julia to visit. A patient aid sat in the corner watching them.

"Jesslyn, what were you thinking?" Julia asked, touching her bandage on her wrist.

"I wasn't." She answered.

"Don't do this to yourself. Why would you?"

"You have to ask?"

"Well if anyone should be offing herself it should be me." Julia told her. "You could have called me. You have your mom, a shrink. "

"I was ok till I started having these dreams about Jay. Always Jay and me and we're in this house that I never saw before in a room with little kids. Tatia and these two babies, but they're not my babies. I keep asking him why and he never answers. I always wake up."

"Oh, I see-"

"It's too much. He was my life, like Jay was yours."

"We have to make a new life now, Jess. They aren't coming back."

"You and Tavin were there. You came in and you were looking at the kids."

"You can stop the dreams. When you're there, just tell him to wake you up."

"I'm scared to sleep. I force myself to stay up and then when I do sleep it's like this crazy nightmare with zombies and running. I am losing my shit as you would say."

"You know what I want you to do. Relax, think and when you do go to sleep, tell him to let you rest."

"At first I liked it, then..."

"Relax, get yourself together. What are you doing in here anyway instead of the looney bin?"

"I lost enough blood, I need transfusions."

"Christ, Jesslyn. You do shit like this and he claims another victim."

"Why wasn't I a victim? Why didn't he just kill me too?"

"Shhh, stop that. You can't ask questions like that."

"How do you deal with it? I mean look at you."

"Yeah, look at me. I do what I have to do. I don't want to die, never did. I fought to live like this. I fought and you just throw this away?"

"I'm sorry. I swear, Julia. I was so tired."

"Call me if you get to that place again, promise me. Anytime of the day. I will be there. I love you, baby girl."

Jess jumped a little when she said that and pulled away from her. "You've told me that before. My dreams, Julia. We did stuff."

"Oh, well, um ok." Julia said, thinking back to her days loving Jesslyn. "I do love you though."

"I know how much you love me."

"That musta been a great dream."

"It was amazing, so real, Julia."

"So real."

Julia waited at the curb for the bus. She got to the hospital in one piece and after seeing Jesslyn, she had the confidence to get back on her own too. She'd forgotten how fragile her girl was, then reminded herself that she was not responsible for her. She assumed it somewhere else, claimed that girl somewhere else. Not here. She wasn't in charge anymore, but she felt like she should be. There was so much wrong with Jess. Julia swore she didn't need a shrink or medication. She needed to feel like she was in control of her life again. Jay took so much from the people in this world. From what Jess had described, he was also taking some liberties with her in a different time and place. That needed to stop before Jess spun completely out of control. She was low and she was lost, confused. Lucky to be alive, she'd lost so much blood. The bus ride home took forever. She was in her own world when she got a text from Dylan: Wanna hang out?

Julia tucked her phone back without responding. She wanted to hang out, but she didn't want to hang out. Hang out where and do what? She only felt comfortable hanging out with Tavin. He knew her so well and he was the only person she could let piggyback her and not feel like a complete and utter invalid. She thought a minute and pulled out her phone.

She texted him back: What is your definition of hang out?

He was at least honest in his reply: Smoke weed and eat taco bell.

Julia burst out laughing, those around her looked then looked away.

She replied: you bring the weed and the taco bell. 8pm?

Dylan: 8pm.

Julia: building at the bus stop. Apartment 1.

Dylan showed up a half hour late, but he showed. He had the weed and the Taco bell, a guitar case that he sat by the door when Julia left him inside. They sat in the kitchen smoking and eating tacos. She'd long run out of Chess's stash and saved her vodka for a rainy day, so Dylan pretty much had her at weed. He was a cool guy, reminded her of Tavin a little after Tavin got all tender and mature with her. He was a million miles away, leading a different life with a different girl. Just where he was destined to be. Dylan was so relaxed, but talkative. He confessed that he'd done his social media research on her and her story. He didn't dwell on the specifics and didn't pry into the relationships or anything that had to do with her situation. Instead he asked how her friend was, the one she visited.

"Alive." Julia answered, feeling so high and so relaxed. "She tried to kill herself. But she'll be ok."

"Whoa, that's crazy."

"It got me outta here at the crack of dawn, missed school. I never went out alone before."

"Everything happens for a reason. If she didn't try to kill herself, you wouldn't have gone out and you wouldn't know you could do it."

"True."

"So it's a good thing and a bad thing." He said.

"What's with the guitar?"

"I'm going to play later. There's a bar in town where my band plays."

"What's it called? The band."

"Sixth Sense...I didn't name it. All acoustic. We go on at 11."

"Great, sounds cool."

"Wanna come with?"

"I'm not exactly 21, you know."

"Doesn't matter. Some other time maybe?"

"Maybe, I'll think about it. It's been a long day."

"You look worn out."

"I feel it."

"Your friend, she'll be alright. We all got heavy stuff to go through."

"Heavy stuff." Julia agreed. Her brain floated in her skull, the weed had chemical intercourse with her meds. "I'm so high." She laughed.

"You are fucked up. When's the last time you smoked?"

"A couple months. This feels perfect."

"I gotta go, Julia. This was cool, chilling with you I mean."

"Have fun at your gig." She said, taking a bit of the last taco. "Thanks for the drugs and tacos."

"We could do more drugs and tacos sometime." He told her, getting up from his seat.

"I think I would like that, Dylan. I would really like that."

"Hey, I'll text you."

Julia cleaned up the Taco bell, then went to her room. Her call from Tavin, she'd missed it. She intentionally left her phone in her room. She wasn't sure what would exactly go on with Dylan and she didn't want him interrupting. Not that she intended on having any intimacy with him, but she wanted to talk with him without Tavin knowing.

She looked at the clock, he'd answer if she called him. "I am so high, Tavin." She said when he answered the phone.

"Where'd you get it from?" He asked.

"A guy I met. His name is Dylan."

"Got a boyfriend, Red?"

"Nah, I think we kind of had a play date though."

"You fooling around with Dylan, Red?"

"Oh, no. God, I just met the boy today." She gasped. "What kinda girl do you think I am?"

"A lonely one. I'm glad you got yourself a buddy."

Julia told him about her very long day. Jesslyn's suicide attempt. That she'd been dreaming, not sleeping intentionally because of her dreams. The gashes she'd self inflicted as well as the transfusions she needed to replenish her blood count. She was most proud that she'd ventured on that bus all by herself.

"You went out. Good. Now you can do it every fucking day. Get out of there. Do something other than sit around feeling sorry for yourself."

"Fuck off, Tavin." Julia said, clicking off her phone. He was in a mood. She was in a good one and the two weren't mixing.

He texted her: Love you. Talk tomorrow.

Love you too, she replied.

Julia got a warm bath, scrubbing the day off of her, dressing in warm and soft pajamas. She climbed in bed, got comfortable and thought about going back. For Jess. She needed to deal with Jayson Keller for Jess's sake. The one night she wished to fall asleep, she found herself with eyes wide open in the dark of her room. She thought about Dylan. What was his game? Or was he completely a genuine guy? Trusting people again made her nervous. Giving up the slightest piece of herself was a risk she didn't usually take anymore with anyone. She'd have to go with her gut and she didn't get any signals from him that said run.

Julia was not used to getting around without her chair. Waking up in the dark she felt screwed. Wake him or no? Wake him or no? Wake him or no? She wondered. She needed a ride. She was sure he'd carry her wherever she needed to go because that's what he'd do if need be, but to explain why? Move, legs, move. It's a dream for crying out loud. But they were immobile. Great.

"Jayson, come fucking get me." She said. No reply. Julia slid over Chess onto the floor where she sat in the dark on their shoes. Thankfully for her, she had her strength and her wits about her. She'd practiced this for a reason. After her father would leave for work, she'd spent too much time on the floor of the apartment. If anyone had ever seen her she would have been embarrassed, but she learned to move herself around pretty well on her ass and glide around on hands and buttocks. She found it to be a bit easier over hardwood as opposed to the carpet at home. Getting off the floor she found to be more challenging.

"Whatcha doing there, kiddo?" She heard Tom ask.

"Don't ask." Julia mumbled, scooting backwards out of the addition to the steps. Fuck. The steps.

"Are you alright?"

"You know what I'd like, Tom? A wheelchair. Can you find one next time your out?"

"Cause of your condition?"

"Yeah, my condition. Whatever. Next time your out. No rush." She answered.

One step at a time. One step at a time. It took all she had to go one step at a time. Made it half way before she just stopped.

"Hello?" She called. "Alex, are you up with Care?" Julia called, wondering if by some chance he was awake with Carolina.

The door creaked open and Alex saw her sitting on the steps. "What's up, Julia?"

"Grab me under my arms and drag my butt up there."

"Ok," he said, coming half way down the stairs and helping her the rest of the way. "What are you doing?"

"Playing a game. Like truth or dare. I'm doing this on a dare." She answered. "Go back to bed, Alex. I love you."

"Are you going in with Jay and Jess?"

"I am."

"Why is he doing this to me?"

"Alex, I-"

"I know it's not a game. I know you can't walk. I am not stupid."

"I'm here to try and fix things with Jayson. You can leave if you want. Just go home, baby boy."

"I kinda like this girl here."

"Care-Carolina. Yeah, she's nice."

"She says we're allowed to be together."

"You are, here, yes." Julia replied. "Cruz, Alex. Cruz is her last name. She's from Delaware."

"She's real?"

"She's real, Alex. She's in Delaware. She's important to us. You can get to know her."

Julia scooted back to the door of Jesslyn's room and turned the knob. She pulled herself inside and shoved the door shut. More darkness. She should have brought her flashlight with her. Julia got close enough to the bed that she could reach up, she dragged him down to her by his hair, yanking as hard as she could till he allowed himself to slide his body off the bed.

"Do you know how hard it was to get up here, you dick." She breathed angrily at him.

"What's wrong with Jess?"

"She tried to kill herself last night. I want you to leave her alone for awhile. She's still dealing with the mess you made and then you dragging her in here. This is too much for the living, Jayson. If you wanted her you should have killed her too."

"She didn't show up. I texted her. She didn't show up."

"You need to deal with this, Jay. I don't know what you're thinking? Are you trying to torture us or keep us? Jay, is this not what you expected? And Alex? Jay, do you know what you left behind? These people are hurting. This doesn't help."

"But you're ok."

"I am not ok. There is nothing ok about me, Jayson."

"So I need to leave Jess alone?"

"Please."

"And Alex?"

"All of us. Let us go."

"No." He said, taking hold of her hand. 

"Leave us alone, Jayson. You're pulling us in too much. We're not in purgatory. You are. You need to deal with what you've done."

"It's not all my fault."

"Fault is not in question here. You need to deal with the actions you took. You need to accept your fate whatever that means. I can't do it for you."

"This is my fate."

"No it's not. You need to cross over, Jayson. Accept what you did to us and move on. Let us move on."

"You made this livable for me, for us that are here. You created some good in all of it."

"When did you realize what was going on or have you always known from the beginning?"

"We figured it out at the same time. When you were sick last time and we were together in the room. We both figured it out."

"Do you remember what you did?"

"Kinda." He answered.

"Would you like to know?" She asked. "I can't walk, Jay. I am in a wheelchair, Jay. You shot me in my head and you shot me in my back. You were trying to kill me."

"Why?"

"I mailed the letters."

"How do you know about the letters?"

"I do your wash. They were in the back pocket of your cargo's."

"You mailed them."

"Except for one."

"Tavin's letter."

"He helped us, he didn't hurt us."

"You mailed the letters. Where are the books? Did they find the books? Caleb's?"

"I got rid of them. They can't find them. They won't find them. I don't even know where they are."

"The letters...I wrote them when I was going to kill myself."

"I know that."

"And you mailed them when I didn't kill myself. I would have taken the fall for all of it."

"Yeah, it was eating you alive. You needed to have it out there. I made that choice, Jayson."

"And I wasn't ok with taking the fall? I would have if that's what you wanted. Fuck, Jules, I fucking love you."

"You didn't see it that way when you dug up the gun and the knife and shot me. And Chess. And Hayley. And Andy? Andy had nothing to do with it."

"He showed up outta no where. I wanted Jess."

"Do you remember or not? Cause you-"

"Bits and pieces, Jules. It wasn't a good day. I'm not mad at you though. You mailed the letters?"

"I mailed them. And you were angry."

"Angry enough to kill all of you?"

"Three out of four."

"With Caleb's gun?"

"Yes."

"What about me? What happened to me?"

"Jay..." She shook her head. "Think about it. You figure it out."

"What happened to me?"

Jay got up and said he'd be right back, leaving her in the room with Jess asleep in bed. She waited and he returned. He turned on the lamp and sat next to her on the floor. He set the gun and the knife in her lap.

"What the fuck? Get this away from me." She said, pushing the weapons away from her. "What are you thinking?"

"Take them. I don't want them. I didn't want them in the first place."

"Where shall I take them? Home? Jay, no."

"But I loved you. I would never have hurt you. I was trying to protect you. Why would I-?"

"I don't know why. If I knew why...you called me a lying, cheating whore."

"You were. So was I. But we worked it out though, Jules. Why would I do that?" He asked, picking up the gun. He looked at it and couldn't imagine himself hurting her with that weapon. He only would have killed himself with it. That was his plan. "I killed myself."

"You did." She said, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Here." He said, handing it toward her. "Do it again. Do away with me. Shoot me."

"No. I can't do that. What's done is done." Julia said.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came here to fix my girl. Not rattle off a couple bullets in your head. Get me up there and leave us alone." Jay stood and offered her a hand up. Julia stared at him from the floor. "What part of in a wheel chair didn't you understand? Pick me up, Jay."

Jay scooped her up easy and set her next to Jess. "What are you going to do for her?"

"Hold her. Talk to her. Go sleep in your own bed for once."

Jay took his gun and his knife and he left them alone.

"Jesslyn, wake up, baby girl" Julia called as she cuddled up beside her and held her.

"Hey," She said, her voice groggy. "Hospital."

"Yeah, baby girl. You're still there, but I thought we should talk about things. Feel like talking?"

All she did was cry.

"We're here in this room again. I don't wanna wake up here, Julia."

"You told me that, but I wanted you here cause I can't be there with you."

"You know about this place?"

"I was here for a long time. When I was in my coma, this place was home for me. I know you don't feel comfortable here. I know it's a strange place."

"It is."

"I want you to know that when you're here that you are safe. I made it that way for you. Jayson won't be bothering you for awhile. I talked to him. But if you should be here, know that you are safe."

"Ok."

"When you wake up, I want you to stop taking all your meds. I want you to quit seeing that shrink. And I want you to call me."

"Ok."

"And when you can I want you to stop by and we can talk and be close and cry about this whole thing. Ok, baby girl? Go to sleep and go back the hell home."

"Ok."

"I love you, Jess. You're gonna be alright."

"I will." She said, turning toward Julia and crying on her shoulder.

"The day that Jay shot everyone, he texted you. Why didn't you show up?"

"Chess had me waiting for the weed. He told me to stay there and wait for the weed."

"Chess had weed, Jess. His stash was in his room."

"He was selling it, Julia. I was waiting for the weed. It was important."

"Thank God you waited. Thank God."

"Why was Andy there?"

"He was buying from Chess. He was going to wait for me to come back, then leave with us."

"Shit."

Julia sat on the sofa with Dylan, holding hands and watching TV. Their friendship had become comfortable. Both high, sitting in the dark together. Dylan laid her back and then he lay on top of her, kissing her neck and feeling her tits. His hands were wandering, over her body, over her clothes, under her shirt. His goatee tickled her just as she thought it would. Dylan was sweet and patient as the weeks passed. They didn't see each other every day, but regularly enough that she was exploring the idea of letting him take her to bed. If her physical circumstances were different, she would have already gave him the go ahead. He hadn't asked her yet and she was at a loss as to why and figured it had to be the handicap. Her hands held his waist, then she felt him through his pants. He was hard. "Maybe we should stop?" He suggested.

"Why? I like this, Dylan." He nuzzled her neck, moaning in her ear like he didn't want to answer. She moved her hand over his pants. "I feel you. Why not?"

"I never-"

"You're a virgin?"

He laughed, "No." He answered, shaking his head. "But-"

"It's me, right? Cause of the way I am." She asked.  "And you never fucked a girl the way I am. God, that's fucking shallow. Get off me."

"Julia, I want to." He said, rolling off the sofa onto his knees.

"I might be like this, but you started this. You took it from friend to this. What is this exactly?" She said, pulling herself up and sitting back against the sofa.

"I don't know what this is, but I like you a lot and you're a cool chick."

"I don't know what this is either. I'm starting to think it's a mistake. So why don't you go and stay gone before I get any more humiliated or hurt than I already am." She yelled. "If I could stomp away I would."

He started laughing at her. "Stomp away." He laughed again. "Look, redhead, I'm gonna admit I don't know what I would have to do with you."

"You could start by asking me. It's not like I haven't-"

"Who? Are you- Is there someone else? The brother, the one you talk to on the phone. Him."

"Yes. Before you, Dylan, not during whatever this is."

"Whatever this is-you're my girlfriend, Julia."

"Ok, then you're my boyfriend. Can we fuck or what? Cause I like to fuck. A lot. What do you think is gonna happen? I'm not gonna break. I survived being shot. Twice. What do think that's gonna do to me?" She asked, pointing to his crotch.

He smiled at her, leaned toward her. "Well, redhead. How about it? Let's do this."

"Can you pick me up?" Dylan let her put her arms around his neck and he picked her up from her seat. He caught her dangling short legs with his hands. "Well, you passed the test. If you can do this, then it's a walk in the park from here on out."

"So we fuck standing up against the wall?"

"Hmmm, do you have the upper body strength for that?"

"Shit, redhead. The wall does the work."

Julia laughed. "Cool, I'm down for whatever."

Julia met Jess at the bus stop. They hopped a ride into Maverick and hit the square. School was nearly out, Jess was bummed about the dance she wasn't going to. Not that she hadn't been asked, but she chose not to take anyone up on any offers. They sat in the grass watching the Lake and the paddle boats, the people picnicking, kids running around. Jesslyn looked better. It'd been a few weeks since her great escape attempt. Kicking the meds and the shrink to the curb and just dealing with each day as it came was a better plan. She and Jess spent a lot of time together and sometimes Julia wanted to just slap her whiny friend. The depressed state of mind was a downer, but true to form, Jess adapted with encouragement and attention. She needed someone who could understand her, but the farther away Julia got from that event, the more she moved on. Jess was bringing up the rear, slow but sure.

"You need a new boyfriend, Jess."

"Speaking of boyfriends, where's Dylan today?"

"He had to work."

"You love him?"

"No. But I like him. He gets me high and he feeds me tacos."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't say anything! What's he like?"

"He knows what he's doing. It's just a little different."

"You get wet?"

"Yeah."

"And you can come?"

"That's a little more difficult. It's like this heat, a hot flash. It's strange. I cant describe it."

"You ever go back to the house and make love with Jayson?"

"No. Never. The house was very complicated when it came to relationships, Jess. I wasn't with Jay there for a long time. I moved on. Every problem and issue we ever had we resolved. Now I'm conflicted, Jess. Cause we have new issues and I don't ever want that again."

"Who were you with there?"

Julia was quiet. "It's a long story. I don't want to tell it right now." Julia knew the truth would devastate her. It did there and it would here. She didn't want to lie to Jess, but she didn't want to tell her the truth either.

"Julia, is that you?" A familiar voice asked from behind them.

"Oh, no." Julia groaned.

"Oh my, how are you? All better?" Cass asked, giving her a hug. 

"I'm all better, yeah. I guess."

"Miss you at school. You coming back in the fall?"

"I might. I'm homeschooling right now. But I'm thinking about it."

"Senior year, girl. You gotta come back. You didn't live through it to hide out on line, right? Take your life back."

"I'm getting there."

"Hey, Jess. Babe, how you doing?" Cass gave her a hug as well, eyeing the scars that had healed on her wrist.

"Ok. Julia's been a big help."

"Oh my God, I miss them so much. I don't know how you two deal with it."

"We just do."

"There are days...Julia, I miss Jay, too. Even though he did what he did, I miss his crazy ass. He was so larger than life and now it's so different. It's like there's something missing."

No dreams for Cass? Julia wondered. If she had them why wouldn't she mention it? Jay wasn't connected to Cassidy as she was to the others.

"I walk a fine line between missing him and loathing him, Cass."

"How's Ray?" Jess asked.

"He's ok. Walked around like a zombie for weeks and weeks. He just, I don't know. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. He has issues and I can't help him, but his mom has him seeing someone and...he's dealing the best he can."

"That's all we all do, Cass. At a different pace is all." Julia said sadly.

"So whatcha talking about?"

"Boys. I was telling Jess here she should go to the dance with someone. Have fun."

"And you? You going?" Cass asked Julia. "Why don't you two go together?" Cass asked. "You two can go together, right? Think about it. Go have fun. Hey, gotta go. Don't wanna be late for work. It was great seeing you two."

Cass said bye and jogged off. Julia and Jess sat alone again.

"She's crazy." Julia said. "But you should go, Jesslyn. Dress up, feel pretty, have fun. I'm telling you. It'll do a world of good. I still have my dress from homecoming."

"So do I, Julia."

"Homecoming was fun."

"Afterward was fun, the dance was boring as fuck." Julia smiled at her.

"So if the dreams are real, then the stuff we did in those dreams is real, Julia."

She laid back on the blanket, holding Jess's hand and stared at the sky. "We loved each other very much. It grew into so much more than us and the boys. It had a life of its own."

"Well, Julia, you give great head."

"I know every square inch of that body of yours. Inside and out. Jess, we shared so much of that journey together. When no one else mattered, we had each other. In every way. Everything I did, I did with you in mind. To protect you, to keep you safe and unhurt. You couldn't understand that and it made you very mad sometimes. But it was all you. I loved you. You were my lover and my best friend."

"Ok, now I'm wet."

"I know. I can feel your pulse and your palms are sweaty."

"Can you take me back there? Not that room in that house. It was a different room in a different house. There was a fence..."

"I know where you mean."

"Who's the other girl? The one with the brown hair. We did stuff with her a few times."

"Someone we don't need to talk about yet."

"Can't we just go to my place or yours and do it there?"

"No," Julia answered quickly. She didn't want to think about Jess like that anymore.

"So can you take me back to our room not that room, but our room."

"I could, maybe" Julia answered. Jess, it was a very different time with different circumstances and we drank. A lot."

Jess laughed, squealed a little bit, "Can we fall asleep here? Right now."

"You need a boyfriend, babe. Not me. But it is what it is."

"You ready to roll?"

"I suppose. Let's go get some coffee."

Julia answered her cell, Tavin's nightly phone call. She told him all about her day. She ran into Cassidy. She spent the afternoon with Jesslyn at the square, drinking coffee and window shopping. She stopped at silver lining and saw Rachel. Rachel invited her back to work whenever she felt ready. Told him she was going to the room with Jesslyn. "You're going in the room? You're not allowed to do that."

"Is it cheating on Dylan you think?"

"I-I don't know." He replied, thinking about it.

"Look, you went back and had your fun with Kell, right?"

"Ooh, can I go back again? You were so right about that kid. I think about her all the time. And trust me, I will track her down when it's time."

"She is so sweet, Tav. I told you."

"You slept with my girl too?"

"Everyone slept with everyone. It was all alcohol and sex. I was a very horny girl." Julia said.

"I want in. Take me with."

"Tavin, we're going to the first house. Kelly was different at the first house. Don't go there thinking you can turn up with her."

"Ok, I got it."

"Promise me you'll handle her with kid gloves."

"I only know one way to handle her."

"You better hope we don't go back too far or you'll wind up with Callie."

"Did you fuck Callie too?"

"No, I don't like that bitch."

"Oh-"

"I never did like that bitch, so no. The answer is no. Snobby and pretentious."

"Well, ok then."

"I'll never understand what you see in her. Ugh."

"Julia, she's not that bad."

"It's gotta be the legs. Those long legs and she is very pretty, but no one liked her."

"Julia, she's-"

"Don't defend that cunt, ugh." Julia swore. "Ok, so I will see you later."

CHAPTER THIRTEEN-PIGGYBACKING

"How's the legs working, Red?"

"As good as I'm gonna get. It's not my legs. It's my spinal cord."

"Julia, I'm sure that if you keep working-"

"You're sweet, Tavin, but I have to live with it."

Julia propped the phone under her chin, placed her hands on the arm rests of her wheelchair and lifted herself up, shifting the pressure from one ass cheek to another.

"Back to school yet?"

"Fuck that. No. I'm homeschooling. I researched it and it's the best alternative for me. I am not ready to go back. Too many questions."

"Julia, you need a better plan."

"Fuck the plan. I had a plan. I can exercise all I want. I can get stronger and all for what? I am alive, right? Tav, I gotta go."

"Liar. It's been a couple months, maybe I should come see you?"

"We talk every day."

"I'll take you out."

"Thanks, take pity on me."

"We can roll around the neighborhood." He laughed. Tavin hung up the phone and packed a bag. After work, he'd hop the bus for a long ride back home.

Julia didn't have much trouble getting around anymore. She was agile, young and strong. She'd received her wheelchair as a donation. Lucky to be alive had its perks. It was a lightweight little chair that was perfect for her size and her physical needs. She had fancy black leather driving gloves for her hands. She'd started to build up ugly callouses on her palms. She'd followed the plan they'd created for her and her very own plan that she'd created for herself. She was as strong as she was going to get. She couldn't fix her spinal cord. There was no plan for that. The docs told her she was lucky that she could feel as much as she could feel. The numbness and tingling was more an annoyance now than a blessing. The meds worked, decreasing the nerve pain. The only thing that was steady and constant was the nerve pain. Lucky, she laughed.  Her version of lucky and the doc's version of lucky differed greatly. In zombie land, she could walk and run and lead and create. She could do so much more with such adversity.

Julia hoisted herself off the chair and into her bed. It took seconds to adjust and reposition herself comfortably. A couple months ago, it was an endless struggle to relearn what comfortable was. Her therapists had educated her and she was eternally grateful. The plan had been a success once her attitude had changed. Attitude. That was it. Her attitude. Her confidence. Where had that gone? She didn't wake up defeated. She wanted to wake up. She had been itching to return to her home and back to her normal life.

Julia covered herself up and turned on Netflix.

Julia awoke in the dark. It took a minute to adjust to her surroundings. Taking a deep breath, she sat up in bed and felt beside her. 'This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to wake up here. Julia started crying, touching his chest, feeling the warmth of his body, the rise and fall of his chest. Julia wiggled her toes and tried to move her legs. 'How will I explain this?' Julia hadn't been back in the time since she brought Tavin into her dream. She didn't wish to wake up beside Chess. She didn't wish for this.

"My sweet Chess." She cried. She woke him. "Chess, please wake up."

"What? Another dream?"

"You could say that, my Chess." Julia fisted her hand, squeezing as hard as she could till she felt her ring was on her finger. "This is going to sound really strange, but I would like for you to turn on the light and get Tavin and Jayson for me."

"Fuck that, it's the middle of the night. Julia, lay back down and go back to sleep."

Julia closed her eyes. 'Tav, are you here?' she asked softly.

"Where am I, Julia?" He called.

"Open the door, turn left and open the next door. And be quiet. I don't want the whole fucking house up."

"Julia, what's up?" Chess asked.

"My Chess, this is going to be weird. I will explain."

The door to their room opened and Tavin looked inside. "The light. On the dresser." Julia said to him. "Before you turn it on, tell me you can handle this."

"I don't know."

"Julia,"

"Chess, trust me."

Tavin flipped on the lamp. He saw her in bed with Chess. The air sucked out of his chest and he was surprised and sad and teary eyed. He was seeing ghosts. Julia closed her eyes, 'FOCUS!" she screamed in her head. Tavin gasped again, snapping his head toward her. Julia banged on her wall a few times, "Jayson, wake up." She called. She banged on the wall till she got a response from him. "Jayson, Jayson."

"The fuck is wrong with you two?" Chess asked, sitting up.

"I'm up. I'm up. What's the problem?" Jay called. They heard him, his feet on the floor, his door opening. The footsteps on the hall floor. His head peeked in the room and he looked at all three of them. "What?"

Tavin grabbed him and hugged him and wouldn't let him go. "Hi, Jayson. Can you take Tavin to the table and have a talk with him. Explain all this to him."

Tavin held him crying and blubbering like he hadn't seen him before. "Julia, what is wrong with you?" Jay asked, embracing his brother.

"I want to stay with Chess. Can you talk with him? Please."

"I think you should come with us."

"I think I would like to stay here." She replied, crying softly, touching Chess's face with her hands.

"I didn't want this. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up now."

Julia opened her eyes. 'He had the power to wake me this whole time? All the times I asked him. Begged him.'

She'd warned Tavin the others didn't know. Surprising Jay like that scared him off. He sent them away. Julia wondered if she could get back? If she had any control over it at all or whether it was all Jayson. That didn't go well. Tavin flipped out, got emotional, contaminating the dream. Why were they there in the first place? Julia didn't intentionally take them there. It had to be him. Tavin was close. He got on the bus and he wanted to go there. Not her. She'd spent the last few months separating from that and dealing with the loss of her people and their struggle.  She wouldn't have put them in that area of the house. She would have sat them all at the table. Waking up next to hubby was not what she wanted in her head. She still mourned Chess.

She texted him: see you soon.

When Tavin didn't reply, she worried he was still there.

Julia looked at the clock, hoisted herself out of bed, onto her seat. She rolled into the hall and hung a left toward the kitchen. So weird being in an apartment. She had wanted to go home, but her dad disallowed that. He'd left the house. Ellen separated from him. He was a single man, single father, bartender, widow. They'd transitioned from home to house to apartment. She couldn't really blame Ellen. She still stopped by, still sent messages and still cared, but she'd never gone back to the house, couldn't pass the school. She'd wound up in an entirely different support group. One that Cal couldn't attend. They were in the process of selling the murder house, a cruel nickname for the place she used to live.

Julia couldn't understand why they couldn't go home. The apartment was a waste of money when they owned a house. Julia wished to wake up for a long time to go home. Home wasn't an apartment. She understood he was trying to respect Ellen's feelings, but all her belongings were out. Julia gave up trying to convince him that going home was a good decision.

She realized the hard way she wasn't in charge at home either and talking to her dad was like talking to the wall. Julia needed to start looking at the bigger, long term picture. She wanted nothing but to leave that stupid little apartment and find a new way. Julia thought about texting Jesslyn. She was steady in a mood with her in two different worlds. Poor Jess was all over the map, in counseling, on medication. Meds weren't going to improve her overall well being anymore than the lack of meds, but Jess was the kind of girl that needed to be told what to do.

She rolled in the kitchen and made some coffee.

These four walls. Shit, these four walls. She turned on her lap top and she went through the twitter and Facebook feeds. She spent most of her time looking at pictures, reading comments on newsfeeds that pertained to the friends that she didn't know well but swore they knew her and Jay and Chess and Hayley and Andy. Everyone was so sad, so depressed and questioning their delusional worlds. She couldn't bear much more of it. There was the inner circle and there was the ring of extended people around them. All those that chatted and missed and talked and posted pics and memories were in the extended circle. Yeah, they were friends, but they were so far away from the truth. Julia left them alone to have their vigils and their sadness, lighting their candles and remembering at the memorials, but it was also difficult because Jay was made out to be a monster in the press. Those that knew him, loved him and walked by his side day in and day out defended the boy they knew, but not his actions. The sadness and the loss was just as real for him as it was the others. That's what adults and strangers and those that saw the tragedy from the outside couldn't grasp. How to mourn and miss the person that committed such a horrible execution of his family and friends. Every single person wanted to know the answer to the million dollar question: why? That's what brought them to Julia. Her page, her twitter, every social media account she had contained private inbox messages asking why. She ignored them all. Delete, delete, delete.

"Julia, what's doing?" Cal asked.

"Waiting for Tavin."

"I don't want him here."

"He didn't shoot me, dad."

"No, Julia."

"He's staying at Sandy's, dad. He has a girlfriend, dad."

"I know he's not staying here. I don't like him."

"You liked the last one and look what happened."

"Why do you do this?"

"I don't know any other way to be, dad."

"What plans do you have with him?"

"Going to sit him on my lap and wheel around town." She said dryly.

"I give up, Julia. I give up."

"I love you too, daddy." She called after him.

Julia sat at the curb, looking at the wheels. He brought Uncle John's suburban. She was used to slipping into a car. Getting into the suburban was a humbling experience for a chick that felt she could manage on her own. He lifted her inside and her accessories he tucked into the back seat.  She watched the roads pass by, twisting and turning. The last time she'd been near there, the planes were down. Much like Rapunzel in her castle top chamber, Julia didn't get out much. Since she had a willing and broad shouldered chauffeur, the world was her oyster. Once she got home, it turned into a bloody oyster, but out of the house was out of the house. Tavin piggy backed her from the suburban to the rear entrance. There was some stuff she wanted that her dad had neglected. He may not have had the sense to gather her personal effects, but she would.

Tavin didn't know what to expect when he entered inside, but he certainly didn't expect the odor. Someone had been there and done a bad job. The blood was still saturated into the carpet. It had been cleaned but it was visible. The room had been cleaned as well, but the remnants of the shooting were still fresh. He set Julia on her bed and flipped on the lamp.

"Exactly as we left it I see." She mumbled.

"What did you want here exactly?"

"To see it. Remember it. Deal with it. And get my shit." She answered, her eyes scanning her old room.

"What happened here?" He said aloud, unable to even fathom what had occurred.

Julia waited. He said he'd come for her. She sat in her room on the end of her bed and she awaited her death sentence. Trembling, she played with a string on her blanket. Shouldn't be long now, she repeated until the door knob turned and he stepped inside. He came to her, knelt in front of her. He was just as frightened as she was, but she thought she would be able to calm him down, talk to him, help him. He was crying with his head in her lap and he placed his hands on hers.

"We can make this right, Jayson. You can fix this. It doesn't have to end like this."

Jay pulled the gun from his jeans. He had it tucked against his back. He held it to her head.

"Jay, if this is what we have to do, I'm ready." She slowly slid from the gun pressed against her temple, to the right, the steps were to the right of her. He stood between her and the door.

"You mailed my letters. You, you took those letters and you read them and you mailed them. You had no right. Why would you do that to me?"

"The truth needed to come out, Jay."

He was in a state of mind she couldn't pull him out of. Jay waved the gun around, pointed it at her and he pulled the trigger. It fired, a bullet hit her in the head, jolting her backwards, knocking her to the floor where she lay...still alive. Still breathing. Still moving. Pain searing through her skull she touched her head. Blood. A lot of blood. She struggled to move, grasping the dresser and forcing herself up to a sitting position.

"You fucking shot me, Jayson."

He grabbed her by her hair, forcing her to her feet. "Because of him, Julia. Him. Are you leaving? Going to him?" The warm and thick liquid trickled through her hair to her face, into her right eye. Onto her shoulder and her chest, soaking her school uniform.

"No." She screamed. "I love you, Jayson."

He shoved her into the dresser. Her back slamming into the wood, the handles on the drawers jammed into her back. "You're not going to lie to me, Jules. "

Her last moments with Jayson were painful and hateful. He hated every fiber of her. He grasped her by her throat and dragged her to the bed, throwing her down. You are a cheating, lying whore. This is your fault. This all is because of you." He told her, putting the gun against her head again. "You-I loved you. I would have done anything for you."

She moved for the gun, knocking his arm then the gun fell from his grasp. When Julia scrambled off the bed, trying to get to the door, he picked it up and he fired again at her, shooting her in her back. She fell first to her knees, hands out, landing on the floor, rolling onto her back. The blood. Too much blood now and too much pain. Way too much pain. Adrenaline pushed through her veins, pumping what blood she had left in her. He stood over her and the room started to fade, her vision shutting off. She heard another gunshot.

"All this blood, most of it's mine." Julia said softly. "I should have died there." She pointed to the floor. "I was ready to die there. Go with him."

"Now what do you think?"

"That I should have died with him." Julia answered. "Can I get my stuff and leave?"

Julia had him rummage through a few drawers, gather up some pictures and then stuff it all in a bag. "Over there, under the playpen. Lift up the bottom and see if it's still there, please." She told him. He did as she asked. Tavin picked up the base of the playpen, still with blankets for Tatia to lay on and her little stuffed animals. All of it fell off the bottom panel and he held it in his hands. "It should be all taped up on one side."

"It is." He said, carrying the part to the bed.

"Peel off the tape and stick the envelopes in the bag."

"What's in the envelopes? More letters?" Tavin started peeling back the dollar store duct tape. The corner area of the panel appeared as if she'd repaired it with the duct tape.

"Money. I'm glad it's still there." She said, relieved that it had made it through a crime scene and a clean up crew. When she questioned her dad about moving back home, he had said her stuff was there, intact. He hadn't gotten rid of anything yet. Jay spent a good part of his summer selling that crap out of his grandmother's house, handing over the money to her to keep in a safe place. When he was all done with the sale, she'd taped it there. Unsure of when he'd use it or for what, she had saved it for him like he asked.

While Tavin gathered up the stuff on her list, she stared at the blood stain on the floor. She studied the ceiling and the area where he'd taken his life. Her hands were folded in her lap and she swore she felt him touching her, the weight of his body against her legs, his head in her lap, the warmth and the tears on her hands.

Julia opened her hands in her lap. She waited for him to take them in his. "You cannot touch me here. You don't have any right to touch me here. Look what you've done to me." She said in her head. Tavin turned to look at her. "You don't get to come to me!" She called, kicking at him. "You don't cry on me anymore." She kicked again. Her legs moved.

Tavin said. "Did you see that? Your legs. Do it again."

"I can't, Tavin. It must have been a spasm or something." Julia shrugged. "Piggyback my ass away from here. I got some place I would like to go."

Tavin drove to Green Street and parked near the end of the street. They sat in the suburban and watched one house in particular. Tavin saw his grandmother's house was for sale. They sat a long time, watching and waiting. "You gonna let me know why we're here?"

"Looking for someone." Julia answered.

"We getting out? Or-"

"There she is. Get the kid's attention."

"Get her attention? Are we child luring?"

"No, Tav, get her attention."

Tavin rolled down the window and called the kid over to the suburban. He didn't know what to say after he got the girl there. She stood back from the suburban a few feet. "Hey, kid, have you seen the realtor? My friend and I are waiting and he was supposed to show up. Anyone been around?" Tavin asked, pointing out the for sale sign in his grandmom's front yard.

"Nope. No one's been by today." She answered, swiping her brown hair away from her eyes.

Julia snapped a picture, aiming toward the house. "For my dad. He's interested in the place. Thought I'd snap a pic of it on a sunny day." Julia said to Kelly. Really, she'd taken her picture.

"We'll wait a few more minutes then roll out." Tavin smiled. "Thanks."

Tavin rolled the window back up and watched as the kid walked away from their vehicle.

"What the hell are we bothering the kid for?"

"Her name is Kelly. You just met your wife."

Tavin started the suburban and banged a U-turn at the end of the street. He stopped the suburban and rolled down the window. The girl was in her front yard now, sketching in her note book. "Thanks again. What's your name? In case we're neighbors one day."

"Kelly." She smiled. "Maybe we'll see each other again."

"Maybe."

Tavin drove off Green Street, parked in front of Mr G's shop to gather himself, pull together the nerves that Julia had fried.

"Colombian. Black." Julia suggested.  Tavin stared at her, speechless. "I'd go in, but you know." He got out of the SUV and fetched her some Colombian black coffee. 

"She's how old?" Tavin asked, handing her the coffee cup when he climbed back inside.

"14."

"There's no way in hell I would mess with that."

"Not a lot of people to date when the zombies are at the door, Tavin. It wasn't dirty. It was, well, very sweet. She's a good girl. She has 2 brothers Frankie and Daniel. You brought them out of there to us and we kept them safe."

"She's a little kid, Julia."

"We both did things that are out of character for us. We can trust her. Hell of an artist too. Unbelievable what she can draw. She's so talented."

"And Callie?"

"I told you what happened to Callie. You two, after Callie."

"What about us?"

"We were something else." Julia answered. "Hey, you had a dream last night. Wanna tell me about that?"

"I wasn't sure that was you doing that or whether it was just a regular dream."

"It wasn't me. It was you and if you do that again I will not be as forgiving the next time around."

"How did I do that?"

"I have no idea, but if you ever wake me up like that with Chess again-just don't do that. The others aren't aware."

"I was distracted, Julia. I haven't seen them in so long, and seeing my brother... Why were you in bed with Chess?"

"You would not have been distracted if you would have kept your cool. Jay threw us out. He was pissed it went down like that. I told you."

"Why were you in bed with Chess, Julia?"

"He's my husband. It's a long story." Julia answered, not wishing to elaborate. "Please don't wake me with him again."

"So when I woke up I was with Kelly. In that little room next to yours."

"Yes, she's your wife."

"This is all too weird. I can't think about this anymore today."

"Good. I want to see the kids, please."

"Sure." He said. "Sure. They'd like that."

Julia spent the afternoon at Sandy and John's. It had been a couple weeks since her dad and she had visited. Julia got to hang out and semi-chase Tatia and try to talk with Alex. His spirit was totally demolished. It hurt her to see him hurting. This was out of her hands. All she could do was listen and Alex wasn't talking. Sandy, on the other hand, had switched into mom mode for the visit. For someone who missed Chess terribly, Julia could sympathize. She reminded herself she wasn't there to cry. They ate dinner, shared memories and still wound up crying anyway.

Tavin piggybacked her upstairs to the kids' room, she tucked them in and read Tatia a story. She laid with Tatia in her bunk till she fell asleep and then held her for awhile afterward. Tavin lay across the room from them bored out of his mind. This wasn't his kind of thing, but the visits meant everything to the kids and Julia.

"Hey, has Sandy gone through Chess's stuff yet?"

"Not that I know of. I don't think that door's been open since..."

"How about you rummage around in the closet and find me some vodka. And reach behind the bed frame and get his weed stash."

"If she catches me in there, she'll throw me out."

"Tavin, please, help a girl out."

Tavin placed her back inside the suburban and drove her home. He piggybacked her inside, setting her on the sofa and then fetched her accessories from the rear seat. Some things don't change, like Cal working at a bar and never being home. The apartment was empty. The light in the living room was left on for her. Tavin helped her off with her shoes and socks and they flipped on the TV. Julia asked for the bag and he tossed Chess's backpack to her. She sucked down a few gulps of the vodka straight.

"We aren't mixing that?"

"No." Julia answered, tipping the bottle. "Cheers. Wanna drink?"

Tavin took a drink, then made a face. "Nasty." He said, shaking off the taste.

"It tastes perfect. I'm getting super drunk. So super drunk I'll get arrested for drinking and driving." She giggled, pointing to her chair.

"Giggles, already?"

"Ha ha." She said. "Sit down. Watch me drink." Tavin flipped the channels till they found some ghost show on Travel channel.

"F that. No ghosts. How about the news? The zombies here yet?" She laughed, reaching for the remote.

"No zombies either."

"You don't feel like piggybacking me through the end of days? Might build up those muscles? You could fashion me a sling of some sort. Like a giant baby carrier?"

"You are not funny."

"You have lost your sense of humor." She said, slurring a word or two. Tavin took the vodka from her and screwed the cap on. He was cutting her off. Julia rummaged through the stash bag and handed over the weed and rolling papers. "Roll them before you leave me here please. Chess always rolled for me."

Tavin slid off the couch onto the floor, opening the baggie and then setting out the papers. He rolled her joints and tucked them back in the baggie. "Strictly for medicinal purposes only, Red."

"Strictly." She agreed, wrapping her arms around his chest from behind him. Her head was light and she hadn't felt so good in a long time. Funny about alcohol. Problems went away like poof. The world was a nicer place, warmer, softer. Men looked better and women grew easier. He laid his head back on the sofa and looked up at her. She smelled so good. He closed his eyes, inhaling her scent. She kissed his forehead.

"Red, can we go to bed?"

"Are you going to pity fuck me?"

"No." He replied, turning around. "Hold on to me, Red." He told her, picking her up, holding her legs at his waist.

"I'm nervous." She admitted.

"I'm not."

"I've changed." She breathed in his ear when he laid her down. "What if I can't-"

"Julia, you feel here." He said pointing at her heart. "And here." He said, pointing at her head.

"I know. I can't move well."

Tavin touch his fingers to her lips. "We'll make it work."

Tavin undressed her, kissing around her body as the clothes shed to the floor next to the bed. He was unbelievably sexy without his shirt on. Julia had always loved his chest, tracing the muscles with her fingertips, eyeing his waist above unbuttoned jeans that rode low. Julia didn't feel everything but she felt something. The stirring in the pit of her stomach.

"You still have your thing in there? Yeah?"

"Yeah." She nodded, holding his shoulders. Tavin lifted her right leg and folded it over the crook of his arm. "I'm glad everything's still working." Julia smiled, pulling his head to her face.

"It's working, Red." He said, sliding inside her. He kissed her cheek. "Oh, fuck, it's working perfect."

Tavin dressed to leave her. She motioned to her phone, which he handed to her off her nightstand. She took a pic of him. He pulled his tee on then the long sleeve tee on. "You feel amazing." He said to her as he walked out of her room. He returned to her chair beside the bed and found her crying. "You're the same to me." He told her. "Nothing's changed."

"I know. It was great. It's not that." She sighed, wiping her tears away.

"Then what is it? You can talk to me. I'll listen."

"You'll listen, but expecting you to understand...cheating on my husband? That's-"

"You weren't really married to him, Julia. All that stuff you told me, I believe it's real in some other time and place, but right here and now, it's not."

"I never go there. I can't because it's too hard. How these people here miss everyone, that's how I miss them there." Tavin moved to her bed and rubbed her back while she cried. He felt her scars with his fingertips. The healed gash that was in the small of her back and the incision that had been created by a surgeon adjacent to it over her spine. She lay on her stomach, exposing the wounds. He ached for her and he loathed his brother if only momentarily. How does one inflict such a wound? He hoped he'd never have to know the desperation, the fear, the anger that would wield a power like that over someone. Until he realized he already had and for reasons so much simpler that Jay's. He'd committed the same crime against humanity. Studying her lower back, he suddenly felt the guilt and the shame he'd suppressed for so long since having killed Arnold. He had no love for Arnold, though. How does one do this to someone they love?

"Can I see your head, Julia?"

"Yeah." She answered sadly, rolling into her back, adjusting her body beneath him. He lifted her hair on the right. Her head at the entrance wound had been shaved. The bullet entered in the front and exited through the top. Her skin was wrinkled and a dent was visible beneath her skin. The areas where the drains had been were there as well, smaller and rounder holes that had healed on their own without stitches. He'd witnessed how critical she'd been in the immediate days after the shooting, having received a shot to the head, she was lucky to have survived just that. His fingertips grazed over the dents and her hair had started to grow back. She had so much hair that if she put it down, no one could even see the areas or even tell.

"Did that hurt?"

"Unbelievable. Yeah, it was like...having your skull ripped apart."

"Which hurt more?"

"The head, I would say. I was awake for most of that, but the back I was just knocked out. It all faded to black and I saw zombies. It was super weird."

"I'm sorry he did this to you."

"You gotta stop apologizing for him, Tavin." Julia warned him. "It's not your place."

"He hasn't seen this? Why don't you go back and get angry? Get mad? Show him how he hurt you?"

"To visualize it? I don't think he has seen it, but he knows exactly what he's done. What good is it going to do to go back there and get angry with him?"

"I don't know."

"Tavin, I don't have the answers. You don't have them either." She said. "I take it one day at a time and I hope it'll work itself out."

"Maybe you should talk to someone? A professional."

"Just because you're questions aren't answered doesn't mean I need to see someone." She said, taking offense to the suggestion. "God, you're sounding like my dad."

"Well, I think you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. You're like miserable and you make fun of this, like you think it's a joke or it's going to change. Julia, this is your life. You sit here alone and you never go outside and-"

"You don't know what I do and what I don't do. I don't want you to feel like you have to counsel me. Jesus, didn't we just have sex? You're ruining the whole vibe here, Romeo."

"I worry about you. Your dad worries about you. I want you to be alright is all. I hate seeing you like this."

"I am far from fine. I'll be the first to admit it, but it's only been a few months. You want me to bounce right back?"

"I know it takes time. I want you to be ok."

"I will be ok. I need time to figure it out. Trust me."

"Sure, trust you."

Tavin finished getting dressed and offered to help her do something, anything. It was like he didn't want to leave. He watched her transfer from her bed to her chair, roll around with ease and transfer over the edge of her bathtub to the shower chair.

"You don't fall off there? Isn't it slippery?"

"It is and I have." She rolled her eyes and he watched her as she showered, more out of curiosity than to lurk. He was amazed she felt so comfortable with him standing there, but if she did he didn't say anything. "You have not survived humiliation till you fall out of the tub, sopping wet and naked and have your dad pick your ass up, dry you off and put you back." She said.

"No."

"Yes, Tavin, yes. It is what it is. It happened when I first got home. Black eye, lump on my forehead. It was all I could do to keep him from calling 911."

"Could you imagine? A bathroom full of medics and cops?"

"No. My crazy father didn't seem to think it was a bad idea though."

Tavin made sure she got herself back out of the tub safely, dressed into pajamas and then tucked into bed with her stuff from the house. She had Chess's back pack wedged between the mattress and the wall with her weed and her vodka. Her journal was beside her and she started going through the pictures she had him collect.

"Tav, you can leave. It's cool. I'm highly functional here."

"I hate leaving you. I want to take care of you."

"I don't need you to take care of me. Miss independent here." She smiled. "Really, go home."

Tavin leaned over her, gave her a hug and a kiss on her forehead. "Love you."

"Love you too."

Julia had watched Netflix a couple hours, had done a bit of homework while she half paid attention to season 2 of Breaking Bad. One of her favorite shows, she enjoyed Jessie Pinkman and Walter White's adventures in meth cooking. When her homework was done, she sat with her journal and used her glue stick to put the photos on the inside cover. She studied each one, all friends, all smiling. Happier times. She took her pen from her bag beside her and she started penning the details of her day. Her travels with Tavin, luring Kell to the suburban. Her evening with the kids. The lights dimmed a bit, she squinted to adjust to the change in lighting and continued to write. A chill hung in the air and she pulled her sweater from beside her over her shoulders and rubbed her arms to warm up while re-reading her words. She didn't want to omit anything, any detail. As she began to pen her love making experience with Tavin, she felt a hand on her shoulder, which scared the crap out of her and she jumped about a foot, looking to her left.

"I fell asleep." Julia mumbled, taking in the room around her. The journal in front of her on the table, not her activity lap table. Julia looked to her left, the hand on her shoulder. "You don't listen do you?" She asked, looking back to her journal.

"This isn't my fault." He said, taking a seat next to her.

"I don't even want to hear it, Tavin Keller. At least I'm not in bed. Thanks."

"It's not my fault, Red." He swore, folding his hands together on the table. "Where are we?"

"We're at the table." She answered, refusing to acknowledge the fact he'd brought her home. Again. She refused to react to this. She thought she'd sit and wait till they woke up. But she didn't remember falling asleep or feeling tired in the least.

"What are we doing?" He asked.

"I'm writing in my journal. Go wander around. They won't think anything of it if you do."

"Alone? Come with me." He whispered.

Julia wiggled her toes, swung her legs over the seat of the chair. Was this some kind of joke Jay was playing on her? Julia kind of felt excited and fell for his 'gift' he'd given her. Julia pushed the chair back, it's legs scraping along the wooden floor. She stood up. She took Tavin by his hand and led him to the one place she hadn't been in awhile and wanted to visit with two small people named Tarin and Hannah.

"Hey, I want to introduce you to a couple people." She said excitedly. She went upstairs, followed by Tavin who took in the layout of the farmhouse. At the top of the steps, Julia passed the room with Luz and Ana and opened the middle bedroom door. Alex and Frankie slept soundly with twin one and two. Tavin nearly spoke up, but she hushed him. She went to the next room and she knocked, hearing their voices in the room.

Jess and Jay were laying in bed talking with the candles burning on the dresser top.

"Hi." Julia said to them as she and Tavin entered into the room. Tatia slept in her bed. The bassinette was next to her bed and Hannah slept deeply. In the playpen across from Hannah's small bed Tarin was sleeping soundly. Julia pretended Jay and Jess weren't there and Tavin found it more difficult to accomplish as he stared at the two who lay beside each other, watching them watch the babies.

"Jules, don't wake them."

"Shut up." Julia said, lifting Hannah from her bassinette and tucking her warm small body against her chest. She held her, smelled her, caressed her little hands.

"Who's this little girl?" He whispered, peering over Julia's shoulder.

"This is Hannah, she's your niece." Julia smiled, kissing Hannah on her forehead before laying her back down.

"Yours?" He asked.

"No. No, Hayley and Jay." Julia replied as she covered Hannah back up then placed Tatia's blanket over her. Julia showed Tavin the boy, Tarin. His features remarkably similar to his own.

"Kell will kill you." Jess said, urging them not to lift the boy up.

"I know, Jess. We won't bother him."

Julia leaned over and adjusted the blankets, covering the boy and touching his face. "This is Tarin. He's your son." She said. "He's 14 months old."

"No way." Tavin gasped. He crouched above the play pen, peering inside. Out of habit, Tavin pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped a picture of the boy. The flash stirred him a bit, but he settled on his own and Tavin stood there in awe above the boy.

"He looks a lot like you, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I see it." He agreed, tucking the phone back in his pocket.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Julia said, leading the way. She pulled the door shut behind them as they left the room. At the bottom of the stairs Julia stood looking into the darkness of the addition. She wanted to go inside. She looked at her hand, held it up for Tavin to see. Her ring on the 4th finger.

"Go, you know you want to." He urged her.

"Come meet Kelly?" Julia suggested.

"Ugh, I can wait here. Or I could-"

"Could what?" Julia asked, taking his hand again and pulling him into the addition. She took him to Kelly. "You could talk to her? Look at her art? Get to know the mother of your child?"

"I-uh-I guess I could."

"She's an awesome kid herself. She means so much to us." Julia told him as she opened the door. Kelly sat on the bed with her sketch book. Her smile lit bright when Tavin stepped inside their room. She set her book down and lifted off the bed.

"Hey, sexy." She breathed, taking him off Julia's hands. She put her arms around him. She gave him a kiss on his cheek. "Come to mama." She giggled. The girl had a K tattooed above her thumb as he did. He'd put that on her, he thought. He felt comfortable in her warm hug and allowed it.

Tavin shut that door as he let her arms envelop him.

Julia went to her room. The door was ajar and instead of doing what her gut told her to do, she put herself inside the room and grabbed her books off her desk. She carried them to the table and sat down, then added a couple pieces of wood to the stove behind her. She was unused to being chilly, realizing how drafty and cold her farmhouse was. She opened her book, read over what was last written there. The book appeared current. The projects they'd been working on had been carried on and progress was being made. She studied the work, the details of their life without her. Fortunately she and her replacement kept in depth documentation. She scribbled some notes in the margins of the book, important things to follow up.

"Working late?" He asked, taking the seat next to her where Tavin had sat earlier.

"Stop, Jay."

"Surprised to find you out here with the books is all. Not where I expected to find you."

"Why am I here?" She asked. "I haven't been back."

"That's why, because you haven't been back."

" If I cannot have him in my reality, then I cannot have him at all. I spent the last three months mourning him, separating myself from him. This is just cruel."

"You don't seem like yourself."

"You-you don't know the half of it. And letting me walk is just as cruel as placing me here with my Chess."

"Letting you walk?"

"Go away, Jay." She asked of him. "The past is the past and we resolved our issues with the past, but the present not so much." She said, starting to cry. "I don't think there's any resolving this."

"Is he taking care of you now?"

"If there's one thing I took from here, it's the ability to do that all on my own."

"We took care of each other here. It takes more than one person. Right now, I need you to go take care of him."

"No."

"I can put you there." He told her.

"Please, don't."

"He's not the same, asking questions."

"Becoming aware?"

"After that stunt you and my brother pulled, he's asking questions. You know how time moves faster here."

"And you want my help? That's cute. Let it fall apart, Jayson. I don't care if this falls apart. It's not my place anymore. I created this little safe haven and I can tear it the fuck down."

"Are you going or do I have to put you there?" He asked, leaning to her. He swiped the hair back over her shoulder and whispered in her ear.

"You're going to force me? How are you putting me there? Are you picking me up?"

Jay's hand slid down her arm to her hand. He held it a moment. "Decide."

Julia's heart started beating harder, the touch of Jay's hand on her shot rage through her. She reached to her waist, her gun...not there. If it had been, she could have easily in that moment ended whatever life he contained, whatever control he held over her. She was firm. "Back off, Jay." 

"Might do you some good."

"You don't know the first thing about what would do me some good. And now you're dragging Tavin into this, putting him into a room with a girl he doesn't know."

"He's getting to know her just fine." He said. "You are stalling."

"I'll tell him everything. I will. You think he's asking questions now? Wait till I am done with him." She said angrily, rising from the table. "Do you want me to fuck up this illusion of yours?"

"He won't believe you."

"Remember what I did to you? I can fuck with him all the same."

Jay sat with his back to her. All it took was a thought and she was beside him again.

Julia lay next to Chess and he stirred awake when their bed moved. He tucked his arm around her waist, felt she had no clothes on her body. "I have missed his arms around me." She said to herself as she reacted to his touch. "Chess," She said softly. "It's me, Chess."

"Hmmm. I know."

"I haven't been myself lately."

"You can say that again."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want my wife back. I don't know what happened, but I am feeling more alone than ever laying right next to my girl."

"Sometimes things are out of our control. It's been a hell of a couple months, my Chess."

"You're all better now and-I know it worries you, but-"

"Make love to me again." She said softly in his ear, guiding him onto her. "You're all I think about. You're all I love. Every moment I am awake I think about you what we have and what I can lose if I don't have you. I look at my hand, my ring you gave me-" He kissed her and she allowed it, melting in his arms like she'd never been spared her life. She feared she'd never want to wake up from his arms again.

She awoke when her dad came home. He poked his head into her room and he checked on her. He thought he was slick too, wanting to make sure she lay alone and Tavin had gone away. She had visions of Tavin riding the bus back home, alone in the dream and getting to know Kelly. She had no doubts he'd be alright there with his wife, talking and laughing with her, getting to know her, and making love to a girl that could make love back. A ride home to Callie. She'd been piggybacked all over Maverick, spying on Kelly and going home again. She felt her dad removing the books from her bed, removing the lap table and her lap top on which she'd been watching Netflix. He tried to take care of her. He touched her head and gave her a kiss, then pulled the blanket over her. The light flicked off and she lay awake in the dark, thinking of Tavin and thinking of Chess.