CHAPTER THIRTEEN-PIGGYBACKING

"How's the legs working, Red?"

"As good as I'm gonna get. It's not my legs. It's my spinal cord."

"Julia, I'm sure that if you keep working-"

"You're sweet, Tavin, but I have to live with it."

Julia propped the phone under her chin, placed her hands on the arm rests of her wheelchair and lifted herself up, shifting the pressure from one ass cheek to another.

"Back to school yet?"

"Fuck that. No. I'm homeschooling. I researched it and it's the best alternative for me. I am not ready to go back. Too many questions."

"Julia, you need a better plan."

"Fuck the plan. I had a plan. I can exercise all I want. I can get stronger and all for what? I am alive, right? Tav, I gotta go."

"Liar. It's been a couple months, maybe I should come see you?"

"We talk every day."

"I'll take you out."

"Thanks, take pity on me."

"We can roll around the neighborhood." He laughed. Tavin hung up the phone and packed a bag. After work, he'd hop the bus for a long ride back home.

Julia didn't have much trouble getting around anymore. She was agile, young and strong. She'd received her wheelchair as a donation. Lucky to be alive had its perks. It was a lightweight little chair that was perfect for her size and her physical needs. She had fancy black leather driving gloves for her hands. She'd started to build up ugly callouses on her palms. She'd followed the plan they'd created for her and her very own plan that she'd created for herself. She was as strong as she was going to get. She couldn't fix her spinal cord. There was no plan for that. The docs told her she was lucky that she could feel as much as she could feel. The numbness and tingling was more an annoyance now than a blessing. The meds worked, decreasing the nerve pain. The only thing that was steady and constant was the nerve pain. Lucky, she laughed.  Her version of lucky and the doc's version of lucky differed greatly. In zombie land, she could walk and run and lead and create. She could do so much more with such adversity.

Julia hoisted herself off the chair and into her bed. It took seconds to adjust and reposition herself comfortably. A couple months ago, it was an endless struggle to relearn what comfortable was. Her therapists had educated her and she was eternally grateful. The plan had been a success once her attitude had changed. Attitude. That was it. Her attitude. Her confidence. Where had that gone? She didn't wake up defeated. She wanted to wake up. She had been itching to return to her home and back to her normal life.

Julia covered herself up and turned on Netflix.

Julia awoke in the dark. It took a minute to adjust to her surroundings. Taking a deep breath, she sat up in bed and felt beside her. 'This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to wake up here. Julia started crying, touching his chest, feeling the warmth of his body, the rise and fall of his chest. Julia wiggled her toes and tried to move her legs. 'How will I explain this?' Julia hadn't been back in the time since she brought Tavin into her dream. She didn't wish to wake up beside Chess. She didn't wish for this.

"My sweet Chess." She cried. She woke him. "Chess, please wake up."

"What? Another dream?"

"You could say that, my Chess." Julia fisted her hand, squeezing as hard as she could till she felt her ring was on her finger. "This is going to sound really strange, but I would like for you to turn on the light and get Tavin and Jayson for me."

"Fuck that, it's the middle of the night. Julia, lay back down and go back to sleep."

Julia closed her eyes. 'Tav, are you here?' she asked softly.

"Where am I, Julia?" He called.

"Open the door, turn left and open the next door. And be quiet. I don't want the whole fucking house up."

"Julia, what's up?" Chess asked.

"My Chess, this is going to be weird. I will explain."

The door to their room opened and Tavin looked inside. "The light. On the dresser." Julia said to him. "Before you turn it on, tell me you can handle this."

"I don't know."

"Julia,"

"Chess, trust me."

Tavin flipped on the lamp. He saw her in bed with Chess. The air sucked out of his chest and he was surprised and sad and teary eyed. He was seeing ghosts. Julia closed her eyes, 'FOCUS!" she screamed in her head. Tavin gasped again, snapping his head toward her. Julia banged on her wall a few times, "Jayson, wake up." She called. She banged on the wall till she got a response from him. "Jayson, Jayson."

"The fuck is wrong with you two?" Chess asked, sitting up.

"I'm up. I'm up. What's the problem?" Jay called. They heard him, his feet on the floor, his door opening. The footsteps on the hall floor. His head peeked in the room and he looked at all three of them. "What?"

Tavin grabbed him and hugged him and wouldn't let him go. "Hi, Jayson. Can you take Tavin to the table and have a talk with him. Explain all this to him."

Tavin held him crying and blubbering like he hadn't seen him before. "Julia, what is wrong with you?" Jay asked, embracing his brother.

"I want to stay with Chess. Can you talk with him? Please."

"I think you should come with us."

"I think I would like to stay here." She replied, crying softly, touching Chess's face with her hands.

"I didn't want this. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up now."

Julia opened her eyes. 'He had the power to wake me this whole time? All the times I asked him. Begged him.'

She'd warned Tavin the others didn't know. Surprising Jay like that scared him off. He sent them away. Julia wondered if she could get back? If she had any control over it at all or whether it was all Jayson. That didn't go well. Tavin flipped out, got emotional, contaminating the dream. Why were they there in the first place? Julia didn't intentionally take them there. It had to be him. Tavin was close. He got on the bus and he wanted to go there. Not her. She'd spent the last few months separating from that and dealing with the loss of her people and their struggle.  She wouldn't have put them in that area of the house. She would have sat them all at the table. Waking up next to hubby was not what she wanted in her head. She still mourned Chess.

She texted him: see you soon.

When Tavin didn't reply, she worried he was still there.

Julia looked at the clock, hoisted herself out of bed, onto her seat. She rolled into the hall and hung a left toward the kitchen. So weird being in an apartment. She had wanted to go home, but her dad disallowed that. He'd left the house. Ellen separated from him. He was a single man, single father, bartender, widow. They'd transitioned from home to house to apartment. She couldn't really blame Ellen. She still stopped by, still sent messages and still cared, but she'd never gone back to the house, couldn't pass the school. She'd wound up in an entirely different support group. One that Cal couldn't attend. They were in the process of selling the murder house, a cruel nickname for the place she used to live.

Julia couldn't understand why they couldn't go home. The apartment was a waste of money when they owned a house. Julia wished to wake up for a long time to go home. Home wasn't an apartment. She understood he was trying to respect Ellen's feelings, but all her belongings were out. Julia gave up trying to convince him that going home was a good decision.

She realized the hard way she wasn't in charge at home either and talking to her dad was like talking to the wall. Julia needed to start looking at the bigger, long term picture. She wanted nothing but to leave that stupid little apartment and find a new way. Julia thought about texting Jesslyn. She was steady in a mood with her in two different worlds. Poor Jess was all over the map, in counseling, on medication. Meds weren't going to improve her overall well being anymore than the lack of meds, but Jess was the kind of girl that needed to be told what to do.

She rolled in the kitchen and made some coffee.

These four walls. Shit, these four walls. She turned on her lap top and she went through the twitter and Facebook feeds. She spent most of her time looking at pictures, reading comments on newsfeeds that pertained to the friends that she didn't know well but swore they knew her and Jay and Chess and Hayley and Andy. Everyone was so sad, so depressed and questioning their delusional worlds. She couldn't bear much more of it. There was the inner circle and there was the ring of extended people around them. All those that chatted and missed and talked and posted pics and memories were in the extended circle. Yeah, they were friends, but they were so far away from the truth. Julia left them alone to have their vigils and their sadness, lighting their candles and remembering at the memorials, but it was also difficult because Jay was made out to be a monster in the press. Those that knew him, loved him and walked by his side day in and day out defended the boy they knew, but not his actions. The sadness and the loss was just as real for him as it was the others. That's what adults and strangers and those that saw the tragedy from the outside couldn't grasp. How to mourn and miss the person that committed such a horrible execution of his family and friends. Every single person wanted to know the answer to the million dollar question: why? That's what brought them to Julia. Her page, her twitter, every social media account she had contained private inbox messages asking why. She ignored them all. Delete, delete, delete.

"Julia, what's doing?" Cal asked.

"Waiting for Tavin."

"I don't want him here."

"He didn't shoot me, dad."

"No, Julia."

"He's staying at Sandy's, dad. He has a girlfriend, dad."

"I know he's not staying here. I don't like him."

"You liked the last one and look what happened."

"Why do you do this?"

"I don't know any other way to be, dad."

"What plans do you have with him?"

"Going to sit him on my lap and wheel around town." She said dryly.

"I give up, Julia. I give up."

"I love you too, daddy." She called after him.

Julia sat at the curb, looking at the wheels. He brought Uncle John's suburban. She was used to slipping into a car. Getting into the suburban was a humbling experience for a chick that felt she could manage on her own. He lifted her inside and her accessories he tucked into the back seat.  She watched the roads pass by, twisting and turning. The last time she'd been near there, the planes were down. Much like Rapunzel in her castle top chamber, Julia didn't get out much. Since she had a willing and broad shouldered chauffeur, the world was her oyster. Once she got home, it turned into a bloody oyster, but out of the house was out of the house. Tavin piggy backed her from the suburban to the rear entrance. There was some stuff she wanted that her dad had neglected. He may not have had the sense to gather her personal effects, but she would.

Tavin didn't know what to expect when he entered inside, but he certainly didn't expect the odor. Someone had been there and done a bad job. The blood was still saturated into the carpet. It had been cleaned but it was visible. The room had been cleaned as well, but the remnants of the shooting were still fresh. He set Julia on her bed and flipped on the lamp.

"Exactly as we left it I see." She mumbled.

"What did you want here exactly?"

"To see it. Remember it. Deal with it. And get my shit." She answered, her eyes scanning her old room.

"What happened here?" He said aloud, unable to even fathom what had occurred.

Julia waited. He said he'd come for her. She sat in her room on the end of her bed and she awaited her death sentence. Trembling, she played with a string on her blanket. Shouldn't be long now, she repeated until the door knob turned and he stepped inside. He came to her, knelt in front of her. He was just as frightened as she was, but she thought she would be able to calm him down, talk to him, help him. He was crying with his head in her lap and he placed his hands on hers.

"We can make this right, Jayson. You can fix this. It doesn't have to end like this."

Jay pulled the gun from his jeans. He had it tucked against his back. He held it to her head.

"Jay, if this is what we have to do, I'm ready." She slowly slid from the gun pressed against her temple, to the right, the steps were to the right of her. He stood between her and the door.

"You mailed my letters. You, you took those letters and you read them and you mailed them. You had no right. Why would you do that to me?"

"The truth needed to come out, Jay."

He was in a state of mind she couldn't pull him out of. Jay waved the gun around, pointed it at her and he pulled the trigger. It fired, a bullet hit her in the head, jolting her backwards, knocking her to the floor where she lay...still alive. Still breathing. Still moving. Pain searing through her skull she touched her head. Blood. A lot of blood. She struggled to move, grasping the dresser and forcing herself up to a sitting position.

"You fucking shot me, Jayson."

He grabbed her by her hair, forcing her to her feet. "Because of him, Julia. Him. Are you leaving? Going to him?" The warm and thick liquid trickled through her hair to her face, into her right eye. Onto her shoulder and her chest, soaking her school uniform.

"No." She screamed. "I love you, Jayson."

He shoved her into the dresser. Her back slamming into the wood, the handles on the drawers jammed into her back. "You're not going to lie to me, Jules. "

Her last moments with Jayson were painful and hateful. He hated every fiber of her. He grasped her by her throat and dragged her to the bed, throwing her down. You are a cheating, lying whore. This is your fault. This all is because of you." He told her, putting the gun against her head again. "You-I loved you. I would have done anything for you."

She moved for the gun, knocking his arm then the gun fell from his grasp. When Julia scrambled off the bed, trying to get to the door, he picked it up and he fired again at her, shooting her in her back. She fell first to her knees, hands out, landing on the floor, rolling onto her back. The blood. Too much blood now and too much pain. Way too much pain. Adrenaline pushed through her veins, pumping what blood she had left in her. He stood over her and the room started to fade, her vision shutting off. She heard another gunshot.

"All this blood, most of it's mine." Julia said softly. "I should have died there." She pointed to the floor. "I was ready to die there. Go with him."

"Now what do you think?"

"That I should have died with him." Julia answered. "Can I get my stuff and leave?"

Julia had him rummage through a few drawers, gather up some pictures and then stuff it all in a bag. "Over there, under the playpen. Lift up the bottom and see if it's still there, please." She told him. He did as she asked. Tavin picked up the base of the playpen, still with blankets for Tatia to lay on and her little stuffed animals. All of it fell off the bottom panel and he held it in his hands. "It should be all taped up on one side."

"It is." He said, carrying the part to the bed.

"Peel off the tape and stick the envelopes in the bag."

"What's in the envelopes? More letters?" Tavin started peeling back the dollar store duct tape. The corner area of the panel appeared as if she'd repaired it with the duct tape.

"Money. I'm glad it's still there." She said, relieved that it had made it through a crime scene and a clean up crew. When she questioned her dad about moving back home, he had said her stuff was there, intact. He hadn't gotten rid of anything yet. Jay spent a good part of his summer selling that crap out of his grandmother's house, handing over the money to her to keep in a safe place. When he was all done with the sale, she'd taped it there. Unsure of when he'd use it or for what, she had saved it for him like he asked.

While Tavin gathered up the stuff on her list, she stared at the blood stain on the floor. She studied the ceiling and the area where he'd taken his life. Her hands were folded in her lap and she swore she felt him touching her, the weight of his body against her legs, his head in her lap, the warmth and the tears on her hands.

Julia opened her hands in her lap. She waited for him to take them in his. "You cannot touch me here. You don't have any right to touch me here. Look what you've done to me." She said in her head. Tavin turned to look at her. "You don't get to come to me!" She called, kicking at him. "You don't cry on me anymore." She kicked again. Her legs moved.

Tavin said. "Did you see that? Your legs. Do it again."

"I can't, Tavin. It must have been a spasm or something." Julia shrugged. "Piggyback my ass away from here. I got some place I would like to go."

Tavin drove to Green Street and parked near the end of the street. They sat in the suburban and watched one house in particular. Tavin saw his grandmother's house was for sale. They sat a long time, watching and waiting. "You gonna let me know why we're here?"

"Looking for someone." Julia answered.

"We getting out? Or-"

"There she is. Get the kid's attention."

"Get her attention? Are we child luring?"

"No, Tav, get her attention."

Tavin rolled down the window and called the kid over to the suburban. He didn't know what to say after he got the girl there. She stood back from the suburban a few feet. "Hey, kid, have you seen the realtor? My friend and I are waiting and he was supposed to show up. Anyone been around?" Tavin asked, pointing out the for sale sign in his grandmom's front yard.

"Nope. No one's been by today." She answered, swiping her brown hair away from her eyes.

Julia snapped a picture, aiming toward the house. "For my dad. He's interested in the place. Thought I'd snap a pic of it on a sunny day." Julia said to Kelly. Really, she'd taken her picture.

"We'll wait a few more minutes then roll out." Tavin smiled. "Thanks."

Tavin rolled the window back up and watched as the kid walked away from their vehicle.

"What the hell are we bothering the kid for?"

"Her name is Kelly. You just met your wife."

Tavin started the suburban and banged a U-turn at the end of the street. He stopped the suburban and rolled down the window. The girl was in her front yard now, sketching in her note book. "Thanks again. What's your name? In case we're neighbors one day."

"Kelly." She smiled. "Maybe we'll see each other again."

"Maybe."

Tavin drove off Green Street, parked in front of Mr G's shop to gather himself, pull together the nerves that Julia had fried.

"Colombian. Black." Julia suggested.  Tavin stared at her, speechless. "I'd go in, but you know." He got out of the SUV and fetched her some Colombian black coffee. 

"She's how old?" Tavin asked, handing her the coffee cup when he climbed back inside.

"14."

"There's no way in hell I would mess with that."

"Not a lot of people to date when the zombies are at the door, Tavin. It wasn't dirty. It was, well, very sweet. She's a good girl. She has 2 brothers Frankie and Daniel. You brought them out of there to us and we kept them safe."

"She's a little kid, Julia."

"We both did things that are out of character for us. We can trust her. Hell of an artist too. Unbelievable what she can draw. She's so talented."

"And Callie?"

"I told you what happened to Callie. You two, after Callie."

"What about us?"

"We were something else." Julia answered. "Hey, you had a dream last night. Wanna tell me about that?"

"I wasn't sure that was you doing that or whether it was just a regular dream."

"It wasn't me. It was you and if you do that again I will not be as forgiving the next time around."

"How did I do that?"

"I have no idea, but if you ever wake me up like that with Chess again-just don't do that. The others aren't aware."

"I was distracted, Julia. I haven't seen them in so long, and seeing my brother... Why were you in bed with Chess?"

"You would not have been distracted if you would have kept your cool. Jay threw us out. He was pissed it went down like that. I told you."

"Why were you in bed with Chess, Julia?"

"He's my husband. It's a long story." Julia answered, not wishing to elaborate. "Please don't wake me with him again."

"So when I woke up I was with Kelly. In that little room next to yours."

"Yes, she's your wife."

"This is all too weird. I can't think about this anymore today."

"Good. I want to see the kids, please."

"Sure." He said. "Sure. They'd like that."

Julia spent the afternoon at Sandy and John's. It had been a couple weeks since her dad and she had visited. Julia got to hang out and semi-chase Tatia and try to talk with Alex. His spirit was totally demolished. It hurt her to see him hurting. This was out of her hands. All she could do was listen and Alex wasn't talking. Sandy, on the other hand, had switched into mom mode for the visit. For someone who missed Chess terribly, Julia could sympathize. She reminded herself she wasn't there to cry. They ate dinner, shared memories and still wound up crying anyway.

Tavin piggybacked her upstairs to the kids' room, she tucked them in and read Tatia a story. She laid with Tatia in her bunk till she fell asleep and then held her for awhile afterward. Tavin lay across the room from them bored out of his mind. This wasn't his kind of thing, but the visits meant everything to the kids and Julia.

"Hey, has Sandy gone through Chess's stuff yet?"

"Not that I know of. I don't think that door's been open since..."

"How about you rummage around in the closet and find me some vodka. And reach behind the bed frame and get his weed stash."

"If she catches me in there, she'll throw me out."

"Tavin, please, help a girl out."

Tavin placed her back inside the suburban and drove her home. He piggybacked her inside, setting her on the sofa and then fetched her accessories from the rear seat. Some things don't change, like Cal working at a bar and never being home. The apartment was empty. The light in the living room was left on for her. Tavin helped her off with her shoes and socks and they flipped on the TV. Julia asked for the bag and he tossed Chess's backpack to her. She sucked down a few gulps of the vodka straight.

"We aren't mixing that?"

"No." Julia answered, tipping the bottle. "Cheers. Wanna drink?"

Tavin took a drink, then made a face. "Nasty." He said, shaking off the taste.

"It tastes perfect. I'm getting super drunk. So super drunk I'll get arrested for drinking and driving." She giggled, pointing to her chair.

"Giggles, already?"

"Ha ha." She said. "Sit down. Watch me drink." Tavin flipped the channels till they found some ghost show on Travel channel.

"F that. No ghosts. How about the news? The zombies here yet?" She laughed, reaching for the remote.

"No zombies either."

"You don't feel like piggybacking me through the end of days? Might build up those muscles? You could fashion me a sling of some sort. Like a giant baby carrier?"

"You are not funny."

"You have lost your sense of humor." She said, slurring a word or two. Tavin took the vodka from her and screwed the cap on. He was cutting her off. Julia rummaged through the stash bag and handed over the weed and rolling papers. "Roll them before you leave me here please. Chess always rolled for me."

Tavin slid off the couch onto the floor, opening the baggie and then setting out the papers. He rolled her joints and tucked them back in the baggie. "Strictly for medicinal purposes only, Red."

"Strictly." She agreed, wrapping her arms around his chest from behind him. Her head was light and she hadn't felt so good in a long time. Funny about alcohol. Problems went away like poof. The world was a nicer place, warmer, softer. Men looked better and women grew easier. He laid his head back on the sofa and looked up at her. She smelled so good. He closed his eyes, inhaling her scent. She kissed his forehead.

"Red, can we go to bed?"

"Are you going to pity fuck me?"

"No." He replied, turning around. "Hold on to me, Red." He told her, picking her up, holding her legs at his waist.

"I'm nervous." She admitted.

"I'm not."

"I've changed." She breathed in his ear when he laid her down. "What if I can't-"

"Julia, you feel here." He said pointing at her heart. "And here." He said, pointing at her head.

"I know. I can't move well."

Tavin touch his fingers to her lips. "We'll make it work."

Tavin undressed her, kissing around her body as the clothes shed to the floor next to the bed. He was unbelievably sexy without his shirt on. Julia had always loved his chest, tracing the muscles with her fingertips, eyeing his waist above unbuttoned jeans that rode low. Julia didn't feel everything but she felt something. The stirring in the pit of her stomach.

"You still have your thing in there? Yeah?"

"Yeah." She nodded, holding his shoulders. Tavin lifted her right leg and folded it over the crook of his arm. "I'm glad everything's still working." Julia smiled, pulling his head to her face.

"It's working, Red." He said, sliding inside her. He kissed her cheek. "Oh, fuck, it's working perfect."

Tavin dressed to leave her. She motioned to her phone, which he handed to her off her nightstand. She took a pic of him. He pulled his tee on then the long sleeve tee on. "You feel amazing." He said to her as he walked out of her room. He returned to her chair beside the bed and found her crying. "You're the same to me." He told her. "Nothing's changed."

"I know. It was great. It's not that." She sighed, wiping her tears away.

"Then what is it? You can talk to me. I'll listen."

"You'll listen, but expecting you to understand...cheating on my husband? That's-"

"You weren't really married to him, Julia. All that stuff you told me, I believe it's real in some other time and place, but right here and now, it's not."

"I never go there. I can't because it's too hard. How these people here miss everyone, that's how I miss them there." Tavin moved to her bed and rubbed her back while she cried. He felt her scars with his fingertips. The healed gash that was in the small of her back and the incision that had been created by a surgeon adjacent to it over her spine. She lay on her stomach, exposing the wounds. He ached for her and he loathed his brother if only momentarily. How does one inflict such a wound? He hoped he'd never have to know the desperation, the fear, the anger that would wield a power like that over someone. Until he realized he already had and for reasons so much simpler that Jay's. He'd committed the same crime against humanity. Studying her lower back, he suddenly felt the guilt and the shame he'd suppressed for so long since having killed Arnold. He had no love for Arnold, though. How does one do this to someone they love?

"Can I see your head, Julia?"

"Yeah." She answered sadly, rolling into her back, adjusting her body beneath him. He lifted her hair on the right. Her head at the entrance wound had been shaved. The bullet entered in the front and exited through the top. Her skin was wrinkled and a dent was visible beneath her skin. The areas where the drains had been were there as well, smaller and rounder holes that had healed on their own without stitches. He'd witnessed how critical she'd been in the immediate days after the shooting, having received a shot to the head, she was lucky to have survived just that. His fingertips grazed over the dents and her hair had started to grow back. She had so much hair that if she put it down, no one could even see the areas or even tell.

"Did that hurt?"

"Unbelievable. Yeah, it was like...having your skull ripped apart."

"Which hurt more?"

"The head, I would say. I was awake for most of that, but the back I was just knocked out. It all faded to black and I saw zombies. It was super weird."

"I'm sorry he did this to you."

"You gotta stop apologizing for him, Tavin." Julia warned him. "It's not your place."

"He hasn't seen this? Why don't you go back and get angry? Get mad? Show him how he hurt you?"

"To visualize it? I don't think he has seen it, but he knows exactly what he's done. What good is it going to do to go back there and get angry with him?"

"I don't know."

"Tavin, I don't have the answers. You don't have them either." She said. "I take it one day at a time and I hope it'll work itself out."

"Maybe you should talk to someone? A professional."

"Just because you're questions aren't answered doesn't mean I need to see someone." She said, taking offense to the suggestion. "God, you're sounding like my dad."

"Well, I think you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. You're like miserable and you make fun of this, like you think it's a joke or it's going to change. Julia, this is your life. You sit here alone and you never go outside and-"

"You don't know what I do and what I don't do. I don't want you to feel like you have to counsel me. Jesus, didn't we just have sex? You're ruining the whole vibe here, Romeo."

"I worry about you. Your dad worries about you. I want you to be alright is all. I hate seeing you like this."

"I am far from fine. I'll be the first to admit it, but it's only been a few months. You want me to bounce right back?"

"I know it takes time. I want you to be ok."

"I will be ok. I need time to figure it out. Trust me."

"Sure, trust you."

Tavin finished getting dressed and offered to help her do something, anything. It was like he didn't want to leave. He watched her transfer from her bed to her chair, roll around with ease and transfer over the edge of her bathtub to the shower chair.

"You don't fall off there? Isn't it slippery?"

"It is and I have." She rolled her eyes and he watched her as she showered, more out of curiosity than to lurk. He was amazed she felt so comfortable with him standing there, but if she did he didn't say anything. "You have not survived humiliation till you fall out of the tub, sopping wet and naked and have your dad pick your ass up, dry you off and put you back." She said.

"No."

"Yes, Tavin, yes. It is what it is. It happened when I first got home. Black eye, lump on my forehead. It was all I could do to keep him from calling 911."

"Could you imagine? A bathroom full of medics and cops?"

"No. My crazy father didn't seem to think it was a bad idea though."

Tavin made sure she got herself back out of the tub safely, dressed into pajamas and then tucked into bed with her stuff from the house. She had Chess's back pack wedged between the mattress and the wall with her weed and her vodka. Her journal was beside her and she started going through the pictures she had him collect.

"Tav, you can leave. It's cool. I'm highly functional here."

"I hate leaving you. I want to take care of you."

"I don't need you to take care of me. Miss independent here." She smiled. "Really, go home."

Tavin leaned over her, gave her a hug and a kiss on her forehead. "Love you."

"Love you too."

Julia had watched Netflix a couple hours, had done a bit of homework while she half paid attention to season 2 of Breaking Bad. One of her favorite shows, she enjoyed Jessie Pinkman and Walter White's adventures in meth cooking. When her homework was done, she sat with her journal and used her glue stick to put the photos on the inside cover. She studied each one, all friends, all smiling. Happier times. She took her pen from her bag beside her and she started penning the details of her day. Her travels with Tavin, luring Kell to the suburban. Her evening with the kids. The lights dimmed a bit, she squinted to adjust to the change in lighting and continued to write. A chill hung in the air and she pulled her sweater from beside her over her shoulders and rubbed her arms to warm up while re-reading her words. She didn't want to omit anything, any detail. As she began to pen her love making experience with Tavin, she felt a hand on her shoulder, which scared the crap out of her and she jumped about a foot, looking to her left.

"I fell asleep." Julia mumbled, taking in the room around her. The journal in front of her on the table, not her activity lap table. Julia looked to her left, the hand on her shoulder. "You don't listen do you?" She asked, looking back to her journal.

"This isn't my fault." He said, taking a seat next to her.

"I don't even want to hear it, Tavin Keller. At least I'm not in bed. Thanks."

"It's not my fault, Red." He swore, folding his hands together on the table. "Where are we?"

"We're at the table." She answered, refusing to acknowledge the fact he'd brought her home. Again. She refused to react to this. She thought she'd sit and wait till they woke up. But she didn't remember falling asleep or feeling tired in the least.

"What are we doing?" He asked.

"I'm writing in my journal. Go wander around. They won't think anything of it if you do."

"Alone? Come with me." He whispered.

Julia wiggled her toes, swung her legs over the seat of the chair. Was this some kind of joke Jay was playing on her? Julia kind of felt excited and fell for his 'gift' he'd given her. Julia pushed the chair back, it's legs scraping along the wooden floor. She stood up. She took Tavin by his hand and led him to the one place she hadn't been in awhile and wanted to visit with two small people named Tarin and Hannah.

"Hey, I want to introduce you to a couple people." She said excitedly. She went upstairs, followed by Tavin who took in the layout of the farmhouse. At the top of the steps, Julia passed the room with Luz and Ana and opened the middle bedroom door. Alex and Frankie slept soundly with twin one and two. Tavin nearly spoke up, but she hushed him. She went to the next room and she knocked, hearing their voices in the room.

Jess and Jay were laying in bed talking with the candles burning on the dresser top.

"Hi." Julia said to them as she and Tavin entered into the room. Tatia slept in her bed. The bassinette was next to her bed and Hannah slept deeply. In the playpen across from Hannah's small bed Tarin was sleeping soundly. Julia pretended Jay and Jess weren't there and Tavin found it more difficult to accomplish as he stared at the two who lay beside each other, watching them watch the babies.

"Jules, don't wake them."

"Shut up." Julia said, lifting Hannah from her bassinette and tucking her warm small body against her chest. She held her, smelled her, caressed her little hands.

"Who's this little girl?" He whispered, peering over Julia's shoulder.

"This is Hannah, she's your niece." Julia smiled, kissing Hannah on her forehead before laying her back down.

"Yours?" He asked.

"No. No, Hayley and Jay." Julia replied as she covered Hannah back up then placed Tatia's blanket over her. Julia showed Tavin the boy, Tarin. His features remarkably similar to his own.

"Kell will kill you." Jess said, urging them not to lift the boy up.

"I know, Jess. We won't bother him."

Julia leaned over and adjusted the blankets, covering the boy and touching his face. "This is Tarin. He's your son." She said. "He's 14 months old."

"No way." Tavin gasped. He crouched above the play pen, peering inside. Out of habit, Tavin pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped a picture of the boy. The flash stirred him a bit, but he settled on his own and Tavin stood there in awe above the boy.

"He looks a lot like you, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I see it." He agreed, tucking the phone back in his pocket.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Julia said, leading the way. She pulled the door shut behind them as they left the room. At the bottom of the stairs Julia stood looking into the darkness of the addition. She wanted to go inside. She looked at her hand, held it up for Tavin to see. Her ring on the 4th finger.

"Go, you know you want to." He urged her.

"Come meet Kelly?" Julia suggested.

"Ugh, I can wait here. Or I could-"

"Could what?" Julia asked, taking his hand again and pulling him into the addition. She took him to Kelly. "You could talk to her? Look at her art? Get to know the mother of your child?"

"I-uh-I guess I could."

"She's an awesome kid herself. She means so much to us." Julia told him as she opened the door. Kelly sat on the bed with her sketch book. Her smile lit bright when Tavin stepped inside their room. She set her book down and lifted off the bed.

"Hey, sexy." She breathed, taking him off Julia's hands. She put her arms around him. She gave him a kiss on his cheek. "Come to mama." She giggled. The girl had a K tattooed above her thumb as he did. He'd put that on her, he thought. He felt comfortable in her warm hug and allowed it.

Tavin shut that door as he let her arms envelop him.

Julia went to her room. The door was ajar and instead of doing what her gut told her to do, she put herself inside the room and grabbed her books off her desk. She carried them to the table and sat down, then added a couple pieces of wood to the stove behind her. She was unused to being chilly, realizing how drafty and cold her farmhouse was. She opened her book, read over what was last written there. The book appeared current. The projects they'd been working on had been carried on and progress was being made. She studied the work, the details of their life without her. Fortunately she and her replacement kept in depth documentation. She scribbled some notes in the margins of the book, important things to follow up.

"Working late?" He asked, taking the seat next to her where Tavin had sat earlier.

"Stop, Jay."

"Surprised to find you out here with the books is all. Not where I expected to find you."

"Why am I here?" She asked. "I haven't been back."

"That's why, because you haven't been back."

" If I cannot have him in my reality, then I cannot have him at all. I spent the last three months mourning him, separating myself from him. This is just cruel."

"You don't seem like yourself."

"You-you don't know the half of it. And letting me walk is just as cruel as placing me here with my Chess."

"Letting you walk?"

"Go away, Jay." She asked of him. "The past is the past and we resolved our issues with the past, but the present not so much." She said, starting to cry. "I don't think there's any resolving this."

"Is he taking care of you now?"

"If there's one thing I took from here, it's the ability to do that all on my own."

"We took care of each other here. It takes more than one person. Right now, I need you to go take care of him."

"No."

"I can put you there." He told her.

"Please, don't."

"He's not the same, asking questions."

"Becoming aware?"

"After that stunt you and my brother pulled, he's asking questions. You know how time moves faster here."

"And you want my help? That's cute. Let it fall apart, Jayson. I don't care if this falls apart. It's not my place anymore. I created this little safe haven and I can tear it the fuck down."

"Are you going or do I have to put you there?" He asked, leaning to her. He swiped the hair back over her shoulder and whispered in her ear.

"You're going to force me? How are you putting me there? Are you picking me up?"

Jay's hand slid down her arm to her hand. He held it a moment. "Decide."

Julia's heart started beating harder, the touch of Jay's hand on her shot rage through her. She reached to her waist, her gun...not there. If it had been, she could have easily in that moment ended whatever life he contained, whatever control he held over her. She was firm. "Back off, Jay." 

"Might do you some good."

"You don't know the first thing about what would do me some good. And now you're dragging Tavin into this, putting him into a room with a girl he doesn't know."

"He's getting to know her just fine." He said. "You are stalling."

"I'll tell him everything. I will. You think he's asking questions now? Wait till I am done with him." She said angrily, rising from the table. "Do you want me to fuck up this illusion of yours?"

"He won't believe you."

"Remember what I did to you? I can fuck with him all the same."

Jay sat with his back to her. All it took was a thought and she was beside him again.

Julia lay next to Chess and he stirred awake when their bed moved. He tucked his arm around her waist, felt she had no clothes on her body. "I have missed his arms around me." She said to herself as she reacted to his touch. "Chess," She said softly. "It's me, Chess."

"Hmmm. I know."

"I haven't been myself lately."

"You can say that again."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want my wife back. I don't know what happened, but I am feeling more alone than ever laying right next to my girl."

"Sometimes things are out of our control. It's been a hell of a couple months, my Chess."

"You're all better now and-I know it worries you, but-"

"Make love to me again." She said softly in his ear, guiding him onto her. "You're all I think about. You're all I love. Every moment I am awake I think about you what we have and what I can lose if I don't have you. I look at my hand, my ring you gave me-" He kissed her and she allowed it, melting in his arms like she'd never been spared her life. She feared she'd never want to wake up from his arms again.

She awoke when her dad came home. He poked his head into her room and he checked on her. He thought he was slick too, wanting to make sure she lay alone and Tavin had gone away. She had visions of Tavin riding the bus back home, alone in the dream and getting to know Kelly. She had no doubts he'd be alright there with his wife, talking and laughing with her, getting to know her, and making love to a girl that could make love back. A ride home to Callie. She'd been piggybacked all over Maverick, spying on Kelly and going home again. She felt her dad removing the books from her bed, removing the lap table and her lap top on which she'd been watching Netflix. He tried to take care of her. He touched her head and gave her a kiss, then pulled the blanket over her. The light flicked off and she lay awake in the dark, thinking of Tavin and thinking of Chess.