"Julia, it's Jesslyn." Sandy said, her voice heavy with sadness.
"What's wrong with Jesslyn?" Julia asked, hearing the inflection in Sandy's voice didn't give her much hope.
"She's at Maverick General. She tried to take her life." Sandy said through her tears. She heard Sandy's voice cracking and she had to hang up. The phone cut off and Julia knew what she had to do.
Julia had done the research, but never worked up the nerve to actually do it. In her small apartment with all her needs met, she had no reason to leave the solace and safety of her 4 walls. She hadn't been this scared to venture out of a home since the first night. She sat in her chair in front of her building, trembling and nervous and frightened of failure. I can do this, she thought, pulling her backpack over her arms. She cringed as traffic passed her on the side walk. She feared everyone was staring at her. She feared she'd be seen as that girl, you know, the one that was almost killed by her boyfriend. She let the spring warmth caress her face, the sunlight penetrate her skin, the fear stung her psyche to the point she could feel it tumbling in her belly. She could feel it gripping her around her insides, twisting them into a knot. Every thing around her buzzed by so fast as she sat still, watching the world at work.
"Focus, Julia. You can do this, Julia. The first time is the hardest." She said to herself. She wished she was stoned. Julia worked up the confidence, giving herself a pep talk, telling herself she'd be ok and hoping that she wasn't fooling herself.
She propelled toward the bus stop which wasn't far from her apartment building door and she parked beneath the bus stop canopy. She had her money in hand as the bus pulled up and stopped at the curb. The driver greeted her hello and lowered the wheelchair lift for her. The air sucked out of her chest, that heavy feeling where if she had the ability she'd turn and run. She pushed onto it and got stuck a bit between the curb and the lift. She nearly panicked until she felt someone give her a push onto the lift the rest of the way. She turned. "Th-thanks." She said to the twenty-something guy.
"No problem." He replied. And she got on the bus. The kid sat near her and she wasn't sure whether to get out of her chair and into a seat or whether to stay put. She opted to stay put. "Hey, I'm Dylan." He said to her. He had a well coiffed goatee. She imagined that goatee tickling her skin against her neck. He wasn't hot, but he was alright. Brown hair, shaggy and brown eyes, but he seemed like a genuine guy. A lithe and thin build wearing a long sleeve tee and baggy jeans. Nike's on his feet.
"Hi. I'm Julia." She smiled, shifting in her chair.
"Nice wheels, redhead."
"Point A to point B." She sighed, thinking he was making fun of her. She kind of frowned at him and nervously played with the gloves on her hands.
"I'm serious. It's a cool chair. The ones I seen have been those old people chairs, y'know."
"Uh-yeah. I know what you mean." Julia nodded thinking back to the hospital and the big clunky wheel chairs she had to use there.
"I know who you are. You're the Go fund me kid."
"Excuse me?" Julia asked, completely not understanding what he meant.
He pulled out his phone and showed Julia her own go fund me account. Julia was baffled. She had no idea about any go fund me project. She never asked for any money or any donations. It had been set up by the kids at school. Each kid involved had an account. Hers specifically helped with hospital bills and other expenses for the family to get them through the tough time while Julia recovered.
"I-I didn't know anything about this." She said, baffled at the donations her family had received. "There's one for each of us?" She asked, looking at Dylan.
"Yeah, redhead. Where you heading?"
"The hospital, to see a friend." She answered him. "How old are you?" She asked.
"21. Why?"
"No reason, I guess."
"From what I heard, you seem like cool people. Lemme give you my number. We could chill sometime." He texted Julia his number. They had a quick conversation on the ride to the hospital. He helped her off the bus, then got back inside, leaving her safely on the curb. Julia dialed her dad's cell phone number. He answered on the 2nd ring.
"You didn't tell me about the go fund me account. Are we using that money?"
"When I get your hospital bills, Julia, I pay them with that money. Your month long stay was not cheap and neither was the therapy and neither was..."
"Ok, I was surprised to find out about it is all."
"Where are you, Julia? Are you outside?"
"I'm at Mav General. I'm going in to see Jess. Maybe visit my therapy friends and my nurses."
"How'd you get there?"
"I took the bus, daddy. It was an adventure."
"You alright?"
"I am here, so I would say so."
"I didn't get up yet. You coulda woke me and I woulda driven you there. Call me when you wanna come back home."
Julia hadn't rolled through the hospital doors since she'd been discharged. She stopped at the desk and asked the lady to help her locate Jess. She gave her a room number and sent her on her way. She found the floor and the waiting area. She found a bunch of kids hanging around who all were excited to see Julia. She was overwhelmed with the hugs and the tears and everyone asking how she was and when she'd come back to school. She didn't know them, but recognized them all.
Julia eventually wheeled away and found Jess's room. Her mom was talking with a doctor. No one said she couldn't be there, so she went inside.
"She's been asking for you." Jess's mom said to her. She left the room with the doc so they could go over her case and left Julia to visit. A patient aid sat in the corner watching them.
"Jesslyn, what were you thinking?" Julia asked, touching her bandage on her wrist.
"I wasn't." She answered.
"Don't do this to yourself. Why would you?"
"You have to ask?"
"Well if anyone should be offing herself it should be me." Julia told her. "You could have called me. You have your mom, a shrink. "
"I was ok till I started having these dreams about Jay. Always Jay and me and we're in this house that I never saw before in a room with little kids. Tatia and these two babies, but they're not my babies. I keep asking him why and he never answers. I always wake up."
"Oh, I see-"
"It's too much. He was my life, like Jay was yours."
"We have to make a new life now, Jess. They aren't coming back."
"You and Tavin were there. You came in and you were looking at the kids."
"You can stop the dreams. When you're there, just tell him to wake you up."
"I'm scared to sleep. I force myself to stay up and then when I do sleep it's like this crazy nightmare with zombies and running. I am losing my shit as you would say."
"You know what I want you to do. Relax, think and when you do go to sleep, tell him to let you rest."
"At first I liked it, then..."
"Relax, get yourself together. What are you doing in here anyway instead of the looney bin?"
"I lost enough blood, I need transfusions."
"Christ, Jesslyn. You do shit like this and he claims another victim."
"Why wasn't I a victim? Why didn't he just kill me too?"
"Shhh, stop that. You can't ask questions like that."
"How do you deal with it? I mean look at you."
"Yeah, look at me. I do what I have to do. I don't want to die, never did. I fought to live like this. I fought and you just throw this away?"
"I'm sorry. I swear, Julia. I was so tired."
"Call me if you get to that place again, promise me. Anytime of the day. I will be there. I love you, baby girl."
Jess jumped a little when she said that and pulled away from her. "You've told me that before. My dreams, Julia. We did stuff."
"Oh, well, um ok." Julia said, thinking back to her days loving Jesslyn. "I do love you though."
"I know how much you love me."
"That musta been a great dream."
"It was amazing, so real, Julia."
"So real."
Julia waited at the curb for the bus. She got to the hospital in one piece and after seeing Jesslyn, she had the confidence to get back on her own too. She'd forgotten how fragile her girl was, then reminded herself that she was not responsible for her. She assumed it somewhere else, claimed that girl somewhere else. Not here. She wasn't in charge anymore, but she felt like she should be. There was so much wrong with Jess. Julia swore she didn't need a shrink or medication. She needed to feel like she was in control of her life again. Jay took so much from the people in this world. From what Jess had described, he was also taking some liberties with her in a different time and place. That needed to stop before Jess spun completely out of control. She was low and she was lost, confused. Lucky to be alive, she'd lost so much blood. The bus ride home took forever. She was in her own world when she got a text from Dylan: Wanna hang out?
Julia tucked her phone back without responding. She wanted to hang out, but she didn't want to hang out. Hang out where and do what? She only felt comfortable hanging out with Tavin. He knew her so well and he was the only person she could let piggyback her and not feel like a complete and utter invalid. She thought a minute and pulled out her phone.
She texted him back: What is your definition of hang out?
He was at least honest in his reply: Smoke weed and eat taco bell.
Julia burst out laughing, those around her looked then looked away.
She replied: you bring the weed and the taco bell. 8pm?
Dylan: 8pm.
Julia: building at the bus stop. Apartment 1.
Dylan showed up a half hour late, but he showed. He had the weed and the Taco bell, a guitar case that he sat by the door when Julia left him inside. They sat in the kitchen smoking and eating tacos. She'd long run out of Chess's stash and saved her vodka for a rainy day, so Dylan pretty much had her at weed. He was a cool guy, reminded her of Tavin a little after Tavin got all tender and mature with her. He was a million miles away, leading a different life with a different girl. Just where he was destined to be. Dylan was so relaxed, but talkative. He confessed that he'd done his social media research on her and her story. He didn't dwell on the specifics and didn't pry into the relationships or anything that had to do with her situation. Instead he asked how her friend was, the one she visited.
"Alive." Julia answered, feeling so high and so relaxed. "She tried to kill herself. But she'll be ok."
"Whoa, that's crazy."
"It got me outta here at the crack of dawn, missed school. I never went out alone before."
"Everything happens for a reason. If she didn't try to kill herself, you wouldn't have gone out and you wouldn't know you could do it."
"True."
"So it's a good thing and a bad thing." He said.
"What's with the guitar?"
"I'm going to play later. There's a bar in town where my band plays."
"What's it called? The band."
"Sixth Sense...I didn't name it. All acoustic. We go on at 11."
"Great, sounds cool."
"Wanna come with?"
"I'm not exactly 21, you know."
"Doesn't matter. Some other time maybe?"
"Maybe, I'll think about it. It's been a long day."
"You look worn out."
"I feel it."
"Your friend, she'll be alright. We all got heavy stuff to go through."
"Heavy stuff." Julia agreed. Her brain floated in her skull, the weed had chemical intercourse with her meds. "I'm so high." She laughed.
"You are fucked up. When's the last time you smoked?"
"A couple months. This feels perfect."
"I gotta go, Julia. This was cool, chilling with you I mean."
"Have fun at your gig." She said, taking a bit of the last taco. "Thanks for the drugs and tacos."
"We could do more drugs and tacos sometime." He told her, getting up from his seat.
"I think I would like that, Dylan. I would really like that."
"Hey, I'll text you."
Julia cleaned up the Taco bell, then went to her room. Her call from Tavin, she'd missed it. She intentionally left her phone in her room. She wasn't sure what would exactly go on with Dylan and she didn't want him interrupting. Not that she intended on having any intimacy with him, but she wanted to talk with him without Tavin knowing.
She looked at the clock, he'd answer if she called him. "I am so high, Tavin." She said when he answered the phone.
"Where'd you get it from?" He asked.
"A guy I met. His name is Dylan."
"Got a boyfriend, Red?"
"Nah, I think we kind of had a play date though."
"You fooling around with Dylan, Red?"
"Oh, no. God, I just met the boy today." She gasped. "What kinda girl do you think I am?"
"A lonely one. I'm glad you got yourself a buddy."
Julia told him about her very long day. Jesslyn's suicide attempt. That she'd been dreaming, not sleeping intentionally because of her dreams. The gashes she'd self inflicted as well as the transfusions she needed to replenish her blood count. She was most proud that she'd ventured on that bus all by herself.
"You went out. Good. Now you can do it every fucking day. Get out of there. Do something other than sit around feeling sorry for yourself."
"Fuck off, Tavin." Julia said, clicking off her phone. He was in a mood. She was in a good one and the two weren't mixing.
He texted her: Love you. Talk tomorrow.
Love you too, she replied.
Julia got a warm bath, scrubbing the day off of her, dressing in warm and soft pajamas. She climbed in bed, got comfortable and thought about going back. For Jess. She needed to deal with Jayson Keller for Jess's sake. The one night she wished to fall asleep, she found herself with eyes wide open in the dark of her room. She thought about Dylan. What was his game? Or was he completely a genuine guy? Trusting people again made her nervous. Giving up the slightest piece of herself was a risk she didn't usually take anymore with anyone. She'd have to go with her gut and she didn't get any signals from him that said run.
Julia was not used to getting around without her chair. Waking up in the dark she felt screwed. Wake him or no? Wake him or no? Wake him or no? She wondered. She needed a ride. She was sure he'd carry her wherever she needed to go because that's what he'd do if need be, but to explain why? Move, legs, move. It's a dream for crying out loud. But they were immobile. Great.
"Jayson, come fucking get me." She said. No reply. Julia slid over Chess onto the floor where she sat in the dark on their shoes. Thankfully for her, she had her strength and her wits about her. She'd practiced this for a reason. After her father would leave for work, she'd spent too much time on the floor of the apartment. If anyone had ever seen her she would have been embarrassed, but she learned to move herself around pretty well on her ass and glide around on hands and buttocks. She found it to be a bit easier over hardwood as opposed to the carpet at home. Getting off the floor she found to be more challenging.
"Whatcha doing there, kiddo?" She heard Tom ask.
"Don't ask." Julia mumbled, scooting backwards out of the addition to the steps. Fuck. The steps.
"Are you alright?"
"You know what I'd like, Tom? A wheelchair. Can you find one next time your out?"
"Cause of your condition?"
"Yeah, my condition. Whatever. Next time your out. No rush." She answered.
One step at a time. One step at a time. It took all she had to go one step at a time. Made it half way before she just stopped.
"Hello?" She called. "Alex, are you up with Care?" Julia called, wondering if by some chance he was awake with Carolina.
The door creaked open and Alex saw her sitting on the steps. "What's up, Julia?"
"Grab me under my arms and drag my butt up there."
"Ok," he said, coming half way down the stairs and helping her the rest of the way. "What are you doing?"
"Playing a game. Like truth or dare. I'm doing this on a dare." She answered. "Go back to bed, Alex. I love you."
"Are you going in with Jay and Jess?"
"I am."
"Why is he doing this to me?"
"Alex, I-"
"I know it's not a game. I know you can't walk. I am not stupid."
"I'm here to try and fix things with Jayson. You can leave if you want. Just go home, baby boy."
"I kinda like this girl here."
"Care-Carolina. Yeah, she's nice."
"She says we're allowed to be together."
"You are, here, yes." Julia replied. "Cruz, Alex. Cruz is her last name. She's from Delaware."
"She's real?"
"She's real, Alex. She's in Delaware. She's important to us. You can get to know her."
Julia scooted back to the door of Jesslyn's room and turned the knob. She pulled herself inside and shoved the door shut. More darkness. She should have brought her flashlight with her. Julia got close enough to the bed that she could reach up, she dragged him down to her by his hair, yanking as hard as she could till he allowed himself to slide his body off the bed.
"Do you know how hard it was to get up here, you dick." She breathed angrily at him.
"What's wrong with Jess?"
"She tried to kill herself last night. I want you to leave her alone for awhile. She's still dealing with the mess you made and then you dragging her in here. This is too much for the living, Jayson. If you wanted her you should have killed her too."
"She didn't show up. I texted her. She didn't show up."
"You need to deal with this, Jay. I don't know what you're thinking? Are you trying to torture us or keep us? Jay, is this not what you expected? And Alex? Jay, do you know what you left behind? These people are hurting. This doesn't help."
"But you're ok."
"I am not ok. There is nothing ok about me, Jayson."
"So I need to leave Jess alone?"
"Please."
"And Alex?"
"All of us. Let us go."
"No." He said, taking hold of her hand.
"Leave us alone, Jayson. You're pulling us in too much. We're not in purgatory. You are. You need to deal with what you've done."
"It's not all my fault."
"Fault is not in question here. You need to deal with the actions you took. You need to accept your fate whatever that means. I can't do it for you."
"This is my fate."
"No it's not. You need to cross over, Jayson. Accept what you did to us and move on. Let us move on."
"You made this livable for me, for us that are here. You created some good in all of it."
"When did you realize what was going on or have you always known from the beginning?"
"We figured it out at the same time. When you were sick last time and we were together in the room. We both figured it out."
"Do you remember what you did?"
"Kinda." He answered.
"Would you like to know?" She asked. "I can't walk, Jay. I am in a wheelchair, Jay. You shot me in my head and you shot me in my back. You were trying to kill me."
"Why?"
"I mailed the letters."
"How do you know about the letters?"
"I do your wash. They were in the back pocket of your cargo's."
"You mailed them."
"Except for one."
"Tavin's letter."
"He helped us, he didn't hurt us."
"You mailed the letters. Where are the books? Did they find the books? Caleb's?"
"I got rid of them. They can't find them. They won't find them. I don't even know where they are."
"The letters...I wrote them when I was going to kill myself."
"I know that."
"And you mailed them when I didn't kill myself. I would have taken the fall for all of it."
"Yeah, it was eating you alive. You needed to have it out there. I made that choice, Jayson."
"And I wasn't ok with taking the fall? I would have if that's what you wanted. Fuck, Jules, I fucking love you."
"You didn't see it that way when you dug up the gun and the knife and shot me. And Chess. And Hayley. And Andy? Andy had nothing to do with it."
"He showed up outta no where. I wanted Jess."
"Do you remember or not? Cause you-"
"Bits and pieces, Jules. It wasn't a good day. I'm not mad at you though. You mailed the letters?"
"I mailed them. And you were angry."
"Angry enough to kill all of you?"
"Three out of four."
"With Caleb's gun?"
"Yes."
"What about me? What happened to me?"
"Jay..." She shook her head. "Think about it. You figure it out."
"What happened to me?"
Jay got up and said he'd be right back, leaving her in the room with Jess asleep in bed. She waited and he returned. He turned on the lamp and sat next to her on the floor. He set the gun and the knife in her lap.
"What the fuck? Get this away from me." She said, pushing the weapons away from her. "What are you thinking?"
"Take them. I don't want them. I didn't want them in the first place."
"Where shall I take them? Home? Jay, no."
"But I loved you. I would never have hurt you. I was trying to protect you. Why would I-?"
"I don't know why. If I knew why...you called me a lying, cheating whore."
"You were. So was I. But we worked it out though, Jules. Why would I do that?" He asked, picking up the gun. He looked at it and couldn't imagine himself hurting her with that weapon. He only would have killed himself with it. That was his plan. "I killed myself."
"You did." She said, tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Here." He said, handing it toward her. "Do it again. Do away with me. Shoot me."
"No. I can't do that. What's done is done." Julia said.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came here to fix my girl. Not rattle off a couple bullets in your head. Get me up there and leave us alone." Jay stood and offered her a hand up. Julia stared at him from the floor. "What part of in a wheel chair didn't you understand? Pick me up, Jay."
Jay scooped her up easy and set her next to Jess. "What are you going to do for her?"
"Hold her. Talk to her. Go sleep in your own bed for once."
Jay took his gun and his knife and he left them alone.
"Jesslyn, wake up, baby girl" Julia called as she cuddled up beside her and held her.
"Hey," She said, her voice groggy. "Hospital."
"Yeah, baby girl. You're still there, but I thought we should talk about things. Feel like talking?"
All she did was cry.
"We're here in this room again. I don't wanna wake up here, Julia."
"You told me that, but I wanted you here cause I can't be there with you."
"You know about this place?"
"I was here for a long time. When I was in my coma, this place was home for me. I know you don't feel comfortable here. I know it's a strange place."
"It is."
"I want you to know that when you're here that you are safe. I made it that way for you. Jayson won't be bothering you for awhile. I talked to him. But if you should be here, know that you are safe."
"Ok."
"When you wake up, I want you to stop taking all your meds. I want you to quit seeing that shrink. And I want you to call me."
"Ok."
"And when you can I want you to stop by and we can talk and be close and cry about this whole thing. Ok, baby girl? Go to sleep and go back the hell home."
"Ok."
"I love you, Jess. You're gonna be alright."
"I will." She said, turning toward Julia and crying on her shoulder.
"The day that Jay shot everyone, he texted you. Why didn't you show up?"
"Chess had me waiting for the weed. He told me to stay there and wait for the weed."
"Chess had weed, Jess. His stash was in his room."
"He was selling it, Julia. I was waiting for the weed. It was important."
"Thank God you waited. Thank God."
"Why was Andy there?"
"He was buying from Chess. He was going to wait for me to come back, then leave with us."
"Shit."
Julia sat on the sofa with Dylan, holding hands and watching TV. Their friendship had become comfortable. Both high, sitting in the dark together. Dylan laid her back and then he lay on top of her, kissing her neck and feeling her tits. His hands were wandering, over her body, over her clothes, under her shirt. His goatee tickled her just as she thought it would. Dylan was sweet and patient as the weeks passed. They didn't see each other every day, but regularly enough that she was exploring the idea of letting him take her to bed. If her physical circumstances were different, she would have already gave him the go ahead. He hadn't asked her yet and she was at a loss as to why and figured it had to be the handicap. Her hands held his waist, then she felt him through his pants. He was hard. "Maybe we should stop?" He suggested.
"Why? I like this, Dylan." He nuzzled her neck, moaning in her ear like he didn't want to answer. She moved her hand over his pants. "I feel you. Why not?"
"I never-"
"You're a virgin?"
He laughed, "No." He answered, shaking his head. "But-"
"It's me, right? Cause of the way I am." She asked. "And you never fucked a girl the way I am. God, that's fucking shallow. Get off me."
"Julia, I want to." He said, rolling off the sofa onto his knees.
"I might be like this, but you started this. You took it from friend to this. What is this exactly?" She said, pulling herself up and sitting back against the sofa.
"I don't know what this is, but I like you a lot and you're a cool chick."
"I don't know what this is either. I'm starting to think it's a mistake. So why don't you go and stay gone before I get any more humiliated or hurt than I already am." She yelled. "If I could stomp away I would."
He started laughing at her. "Stomp away." He laughed again. "Look, redhead, I'm gonna admit I don't know what I would have to do with you."
"You could start by asking me. It's not like I haven't-"
"Who? Are you- Is there someone else? The brother, the one you talk to on the phone. Him."
"Yes. Before you, Dylan, not during whatever this is."
"Whatever this is-you're my girlfriend, Julia."
"Ok, then you're my boyfriend. Can we fuck or what? Cause I like to fuck. A lot. What do you think is gonna happen? I'm not gonna break. I survived being shot. Twice. What do think that's gonna do to me?" She asked, pointing to his crotch.
He smiled at her, leaned toward her. "Well, redhead. How about it? Let's do this."
"Can you pick me up?" Dylan let her put her arms around his neck and he picked her up from her seat. He caught her dangling short legs with his hands. "Well, you passed the test. If you can do this, then it's a walk in the park from here on out."
"So we fuck standing up against the wall?"
"Hmmm, do you have the upper body strength for that?"
"Shit, redhead. The wall does the work."
Julia laughed. "Cool, I'm down for whatever."
Julia met Jess at the bus stop. They hopped a ride into Maverick and hit the square. School was nearly out, Jess was bummed about the dance she wasn't going to. Not that she hadn't been asked, but she chose not to take anyone up on any offers. They sat in the grass watching the Lake and the paddle boats, the people picnicking, kids running around. Jesslyn looked better. It'd been a few weeks since her great escape attempt. Kicking the meds and the shrink to the curb and just dealing with each day as it came was a better plan. She and Jess spent a lot of time together and sometimes Julia wanted to just slap her whiny friend. The depressed state of mind was a downer, but true to form, Jess adapted with encouragement and attention. She needed someone who could understand her, but the farther away Julia got from that event, the more she moved on. Jess was bringing up the rear, slow but sure.
"You need a new boyfriend, Jess."
"Speaking of boyfriends, where's Dylan today?"
"He had to work."
"You love him?"
"No. But I like him. He gets me high and he feeds me tacos."
"Are you sleeping with him?"
"Yeah."
"You didn't say anything! What's he like?"
"He knows what he's doing. It's just a little different."
"You get wet?"
"Yeah."
"And you can come?"
"That's a little more difficult. It's like this heat, a hot flash. It's strange. I cant describe it."
"You ever go back to the house and make love with Jayson?"
"No. Never. The house was very complicated when it came to relationships, Jess. I wasn't with Jay there for a long time. I moved on. Every problem and issue we ever had we resolved. Now I'm conflicted, Jess. Cause we have new issues and I don't ever want that again."
"Who were you with there?"
Julia was quiet. "It's a long story. I don't want to tell it right now." Julia knew the truth would devastate her. It did there and it would here. She didn't want to lie to Jess, but she didn't want to tell her the truth either.
"Julia, is that you?" A familiar voice asked from behind them.
"Oh, no." Julia groaned.
"Oh my, how are you? All better?" Cass asked, giving her a hug.
"I'm all better, yeah. I guess."
"Miss you at school. You coming back in the fall?"
"I might. I'm homeschooling right now. But I'm thinking about it."
"Senior year, girl. You gotta come back. You didn't live through it to hide out on line, right? Take your life back."
"I'm getting there."
"Hey, Jess. Babe, how you doing?" Cass gave her a hug as well, eyeing the scars that had healed on her wrist.
"Ok. Julia's been a big help."
"Oh my God, I miss them so much. I don't know how you two deal with it."
"We just do."
"There are days...Julia, I miss Jay, too. Even though he did what he did, I miss his crazy ass. He was so larger than life and now it's so different. It's like there's something missing."
No dreams for Cass? Julia wondered. If she had them why wouldn't she mention it? Jay wasn't connected to Cassidy as she was to the others.
"I walk a fine line between missing him and loathing him, Cass."
"How's Ray?" Jess asked.
"He's ok. Walked around like a zombie for weeks and weeks. He just, I don't know. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. He has issues and I can't help him, but his mom has him seeing someone and...he's dealing the best he can."
"That's all we all do, Cass. At a different pace is all." Julia said sadly.
"So whatcha talking about?"
"Boys. I was telling Jess here she should go to the dance with someone. Have fun."
"And you? You going?" Cass asked Julia. "Why don't you two go together?" Cass asked. "You two can go together, right? Think about it. Go have fun. Hey, gotta go. Don't wanna be late for work. It was great seeing you two."
Cass said bye and jogged off. Julia and Jess sat alone again.
"She's crazy." Julia said. "But you should go, Jesslyn. Dress up, feel pretty, have fun. I'm telling you. It'll do a world of good. I still have my dress from homecoming."
"So do I, Julia."
"Homecoming was fun."
"Afterward was fun, the dance was boring as fuck." Julia smiled at her.
"So if the dreams are real, then the stuff we did in those dreams is real, Julia."
She laid back on the blanket, holding Jess's hand and stared at the sky. "We loved each other very much. It grew into so much more than us and the boys. It had a life of its own."
"Well, Julia, you give great head."
"I know every square inch of that body of yours. Inside and out. Jess, we shared so much of that journey together. When no one else mattered, we had each other. In every way. Everything I did, I did with you in mind. To protect you, to keep you safe and unhurt. You couldn't understand that and it made you very mad sometimes. But it was all you. I loved you. You were my lover and my best friend."
"Ok, now I'm wet."
"I know. I can feel your pulse and your palms are sweaty."
"Can you take me back there? Not that room in that house. It was a different room in a different house. There was a fence..."
"I know where you mean."
"Who's the other girl? The one with the brown hair. We did stuff with her a few times."
"Someone we don't need to talk about yet."
"Can't we just go to my place or yours and do it there?"
"No," Julia answered quickly. She didn't want to think about Jess like that anymore.
"So can you take me back to our room not that room, but our room."
"I could, maybe" Julia answered. Jess, it was a very different time with different circumstances and we drank. A lot."
Jess laughed, squealed a little bit, "Can we fall asleep here? Right now."
"You need a boyfriend, babe. Not me. But it is what it is."
"You ready to roll?"
"I suppose. Let's go get some coffee."
Julia answered her cell, Tavin's nightly phone call. She told him all about her day. She ran into Cassidy. She spent the afternoon with Jesslyn at the square, drinking coffee and window shopping. She stopped at silver lining and saw Rachel. Rachel invited her back to work whenever she felt ready. Told him she was going to the room with Jesslyn. "You're going in the room? You're not allowed to do that."
"Is it cheating on Dylan you think?"
"I-I don't know." He replied, thinking about it.
"Look, you went back and had your fun with Kell, right?"
"Ooh, can I go back again? You were so right about that kid. I think about her all the time. And trust me, I will track her down when it's time."
"She is so sweet, Tav. I told you."
"You slept with my girl too?"
"Everyone slept with everyone. It was all alcohol and sex. I was a very horny girl." Julia said.
"I want in. Take me with."
"Tavin, we're going to the first house. Kelly was different at the first house. Don't go there thinking you can turn up with her."
"Ok, I got it."
"Promise me you'll handle her with kid gloves."
"I only know one way to handle her."
"You better hope we don't go back too far or you'll wind up with Callie."
"Did you fuck Callie too?"
"No, I don't like that bitch."
"Oh-"
"I never did like that bitch, so no. The answer is no. Snobby and pretentious."
"Well, ok then."
"I'll never understand what you see in her. Ugh."
"Julia, she's not that bad."
"It's gotta be the legs. Those long legs and she is very pretty, but no one liked her."
"Julia, she's-"
"Don't defend that cunt, ugh." Julia swore. "Ok, so I will see you later."
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